


Even If It Hurts

by Zack_Fairs_Booty



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Kenma is depressed, M/M, Sexual Content, So be warned, also Kuroos parents are assholes, and are abusive, and has anxiety, im sorry, its a shitstorm, smutty smut smut, triggers for both of those
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2018-04-02 14:01:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4062646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zack_Fairs_Booty/pseuds/Zack_Fairs_Booty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year after his breakup with Kuroo, Kenma is forced to see a therapist after a suicide attempt. She believes that resurfacing his hidden relationship with his ex-boyfriend will lead him to a successful recovery. </p><p>Kuroo is still not over Kenma, and finds difficulty in moving on from their breakup.</p><p>Will these two be able to meet again and work out their differences so that they can be happy together once more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unlikely Friendship

** Kenma **

“Why is my relationship with Kuroo so important to you?” Kenma snapped, folding his arms uncomfortably in front of his chest. “We’re not together anymore. Shouldn’t we focus more on something else?”

His therapist, who referred to herself as ‘Coco’, smiled weakly in the chair across from him. “We’ve been meeting for three weeks now and have had no progression. You’ve mentioned Tetsurou a few times, but I’d like to hear more about your ex-boyfriend.”

“I don’t want to talk about him.” Kenma said sternly, wishing that there were a way out of the small, stuffy room. “He is irrelevant to my recovery.”

“That may be, but simply _talking_ about him may actually be _vital_ to your recovery. Your relationship was kept under wraps for a very long time, correct? Wouldn’t it be sort of a relief to finally talk to someone about everything without worrying about judgement?”

Kenma thought about this for a moment. Yes, their relationship stayed quiet for years. Only his own parents and a select few friends were aware of it. But they weren’t aware of the intensity that their relationship held. They weren’t aware of the things they did behind closed doors, or the words that were whispered into each other’s ears.

And they most certainly weren’t aware of the love that Kenma had for Kuroo. Even _Kuroo_ thought that his love for Kenma was one sided, due to his inability to properly convey his feelings.

“Why don’t you just start by telling me how you met? How did you and Tetsurou become friends?”

Kenma’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. “Fine. I’ll tell you how we met. Then can we be done for the day?”

“Of course.”

Kenma slowly launched into his past, reliving it like it had only happened the day before.

* * *

 

“Kenma!” his mother had hollered up the stairs. “There’s someone here to see you!”

 _Me?_ he had asked himself. _Who would want to come see me?_

He padded down the stairs, his dark blue first generation Nintendo DS at hand. A boy around his age stood at the door, smiling, a ball in his hand. “I need a volleyball partner!” he announced loudly with a grin. “Care to join me?”

Kenma studied the character. He was a bit taller than himself, but couldn’t be more than a year older. He seemed familiar, but Kenma couldn’t put his finger on it. “Why did you come _here_ then?”

“Kenma!” his mother chided, grabbing his DS. “It’s a beautiful day. Go play outside with Tetsurou for a while, okay?”

Kenma snatched at his DS, but it was far out of his reach. He knew that it would be a wasted attempt to try to hide in the house, so he slowly slid his shoes on and let his mother push him out the door until he was outside with Tetsurou.

“Come on, we can go to the park down the street!” the boy grabbed him by the hand and began to run down the pathway to the sidewalk.

Kenma yanked his hand away and slowed his pace. “I don’t even know who you are.”

Tetsurou turned and rolled his eyes. “I live across from you.” he pointed at one of the houses on the opposite side of the road. “We’ve met before? When our mom’s brought us to the park?”

“I haven’t been to the park in years.”

“Well, it’s been years since we’ve talked then! Here.” he held out his hand, locking the ball between his other wrist and hip. “I’m Tetsurou Kuroo.”

Kenma narrowed his eyes at the hand. Was this another way for someone to humiliate him? He could barely remember meeting this kid when they were about five. He seemed nice enough…but that’s how they all seemed at first. “Why did you randomly choose me to play with then?” he asked, cautiously grabbing the extended hand.

“All of my other friends are busy today. And I really want to play volleyball. And I remembered that you only lived right across from me so…” he ran a hand through his thick, black hair. “I didn’t think you would hate it that much.”

“I’m not good at volleyball.” Kenma confessed.

“You just have to throw it at me! I’ll hit it back at you, and you just have to catch it! It’ll be really easy, I promise.”

Kenma sighed, but they continued walking next to each other down the sidewalk.

There were many younger children playing on the playground, but Kuroo lead Kenma to an empty field. “Is this okay?” he asked, tossing the ball back and forth between his hands.

“You’re the expert.” Kenma mumbled.

Kuroo flashed a small side grin and took a few steps away from Kenma. “Okay. I’ll throw the ball to you. And you hit it back to make like this.” he threw the ball in the air, and when it came back down, he lightly hit it with his fingertips. “That’s called a toss. I wanna work on my receiving-which goes like this.” he threw the ball in the air again, but this time when it came back down, he bumped it with his wrists. “Can you handle that?”

Kenma’s stomach flopped. “I can try, I guess.”

“Alright! Here goes!” he threw the ball lightly up into the air towards Kenma, who surprised himself by actually being able to toss the ball back to Kuroo.

“Yes!” Kuroo exclaimed at the perfect toss. He bumped it back to Kenma, who was able to toss it back once more. This went on a few more times, but then Kenma ran out of stamina and stepped out of the way of the next one.

“I’m tired.” he said simply.

“That was great!” Kuroo ran over to him and picked up the ball. “You’re great! I didn’t think that you would really be able to play well with me, but I was so wrong!” he clapped Kenma on the back. “Can we work on my spike? You don’t have to do any running, I’ll get the ball every time!”

Kenma shifted uncomfortably on his feet, jamming his hands into his pockets. “Do you really even need my help then? Can’t you just toss and hit it on your own?”

“No, I _do_ need you!” he spun his ball between his hands. “Besides, it’s a lot more fun when you get to play with someone…”

For whatever reason, Kenma couldn’t tell Kuroo no. Even though he wanted to collapse on the ground, he couldn’t bring himself to do so while Kuroo wanted him to toss that stupid ball around.

Kenma sighed. “Fine, sure.” he grabbed at the ball, but Kuroo dropped it and threw his arms around Kenma’s neck.

“Thankyouthankyou _thankyou_!” he exclaimed into Kenma’s ear while the younger boy struggled to get out of his grip. “You won’t regret tossing to me, I promise!”

“You’re making me regret it right now!” Kenma yelled, and Kuroo let him go. “This isn’t a long term thing though, okay? You can get your other friends to do it after today.”

“Whatever. As long as I get to play with you today, that’s all that matters.” he took a few steps back from Kenma. “Okay, this time, toss the ball to me at a little bit quicker speed. Then I’ll spike it.”

Kenma nodded, readying himself. Kuroo threw the ball at him, and he tossed it like Kuroo had told. Except this time, instead of bumping it, Kuroo jumped into the air to meet the ball, and spiked it into the ground away from them.

Kenma was surprised at the speed that the ball had after Kuroo had spiked it. He prayed that the older boy had control over his spikes so he wouldn’t somehow misdirect the ball and hit Kenma in the head or something.

“Again? That was really good!” Kuroo exclaimed, running after the ball.

This continued for a while. Throw, toss, spike. Throw, toss, spike. Throw. Toss. Spike. As much as Kenma hated to admit it, he didn’t mind doing this seemingly tedious activity with his neighbor.

“You should really play with us when we get teams together!” Kuroo said after a while. “It’s so much fun when there are other people who hit the ball back at you, or try to keep your ball from hitting the ground. And you’re a really good setter, Kenma!”

“I don’t want to.” Kenma said simply.

Kuroo seemed offended, but didn’t push the subject any more.

The sun began to set, and Kuroo called it quits as it was getting harder to see the ball.

While they walked back down the street, Kuroo bounced the ball on the ground. “I really had fun today, Kenma. I know you don’t want to, but it would be really cool if you could come play with me again. Even if it’s just us, that’s fine with me. You’re a lot better setter than most of the other kids. Even the ones who have been playing for a long time!” he grinned and slung his arm over Kenma’s shoulder.

“It was a one-time thing, remember?” Kenma shrugged Kuroo’s arm off.

“Ah. Well, even so. Say, you like video games, right? I’ll bring my Gameboy over next time and we can play together!”

Kenma opened his mouth to protest, but Kuroo crossed the street to go to his house. “I’ll see ya later, Kenma!”

Kenma groaned and walked up the pathway to his door. As soon as he opened it, his mother swopped in from the living room. “How was your day with Tetsurou? Did you play outside? Where did you go? What did you do?” she asked excitedly, wrapping him in a tight hug. “You’re all sweaty! Were you moving around a lot?” she wiped his bangs back out of his face and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“Do you expect me to answer all of those questions?” he mumbled, pulling away from her.

She smiled and put her hands on her hips. “Only if you want to. Though, I _would_ like to know how your day was. Your father just got home a little while ago, so supper hasn’t been served yet. Are you hungry?”

“I’m not hungry.” he said, pushing past her. “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“At least take a bath first, Kenma!” she hollered after him as he set up the stairs.

He bumped into his dad at the top, who grinned widely and quickly scooped Kenma up into his arms. “Hey, big guy!” he squeezed him tight. “Your mother mentioned you were out with that Kuroo boy, how did it go?”

Kenma wrapped his arms around his father’s neck. “It was alright. We played volleyball.”

“You did? Was it fun?” he began to walk to Kenma’s bedroom.

“It was alright. He’s different from a lot of the other kids....”

He felt his father shrug and pat him on the back. “He seems like a good kid.” he dropped Kenma onto his bed. “I believe I heard your mother tell you to take a bath.”

“That she did.” Kenma said, tucking himself into his bed.

His father smiled and kissed Kenma’s forehead. “Fall asleep quickly so she doesn’t have the chance to make you change or bathe.” he whispered with a wink.

For the first time that day, Kenma cracked a real smile. “Night, dad.”

“Night kiddo.” he replied, ruffling Kenma’s dark hair. He turned around and flicked the lights out before shutting the door almost all of the way.

Kenma couldn’t believe how exhausted he was. Even though he didn’t exert a whole lot of physical energy, the mere socialization was enough to wipe him out. Socializing was always more tiring to him than any kind of physical activity. Though, he came to realize that he really didn’t hate Kuroo as much as he hated the other kids he had been forced to play with. Kuroo didn’t pick on him, didn’t point out his flaws, and didn’t judge him for his choices.

It was sort of relieving. And he actually found himself hoping that Kuroo would come again the next day to play with him.

Just as he had been about to fall asleep, he heard his mother and father outside of his door.

“He didn’t even take a bath!” she whispered. “I specifically told him to take a bath!”

“Come on, Natsumi.” his father’s voice soothed. “He had a long day with the Kuroo kid.”

“That doesn’t mean he should avoid his responsibilities.” she pouted, and their footsteps began to recede down the hall towards their bedroom. “Although, I _am_ really happy that he stayed out that long. I really thought he would be back after half an hour or so…” their bedroom door closed, and Kenma was left only with their muffled voices.

He knew that his parents worried about his lack of socialization, particularly his mother, but it couldn’t be helped. He turned in bed, willing himself to fall asleep, but it would not come. His stomach began to grumble, so he made the decision to get himself out of bed to get something to eat.

After padding down the hallway and stairs to the kitchen, he quietly opened the refrigerator door. Right on the shelf that was eye level, he noticed a thick sandwich wrapped in plastic with a small note on it.

_Figured you’d need a midnight pick me up. Love you ~Mom_

A small smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. Even though his mother didn’t understand his seemingly odd antisocial behavior, she really did know him better than anyone else.

As much as he hated to say or think it, she really was a great mom.

He grabbed a small bottle of juice and a bag of chips from the cabinet before going back up to his room to eat in bed.

On his way up, he noticed his DS sitting on the small decorative end table that usually only held a single vase with fresh flowers-his father’s interior decorative touch. He picked up the blue console and silently entered his room, set out to spend the next six hours playing Pokemon.

* * *

 

 

His mother woke him up at ten o’clock the next morning and forced him to take a bath.

“Why can’t I just wait until tonight to take one?” he argued as she shuffled him towards the bathroom. “I’ll just be dirty by then anyways.”

“Kenma.” she said sternly. “If that’s the case, you can take a second one tonight. You were all sweaty when you got home last night, and you need to make sure you’re clean for the day.”

“It’s not like I do anything anyways…” he mumbled, glancing out the window.

Rain. His hopes had been high that Kuroo would ask him to come out and play again today, but there’s no way he would want to play outside in _this_ weather.

“Even so, I want you to be clean my love.” she kissed the top of his head. “Make sure to really scrub your hair. I think it’s time to make you an appointment to get it cut as well.”

“I like it long!” he reminded her. It was his security blanket, and much easier to hide behind than short hair.

“Just a trim then!” she began filling the tub. “You don’t have to get it all cut off. I just want the ends to be clean cut.”

Kenma sighed as his mother turned to leave the bathroom. Her constant obsession with things being clean and perfect made his stomach churn, as he was exactly the opposite. Sometimes he would pray at night that she would have another child because he knew that he himself would never be able to live up to her expectations. He would never be the perfect child that she always wanted. And that she deserved.

He sat in the bath for a while after she left, thinking about how much happier his family would be if they had a normal child. A child that didn’t stay up all night playing silly games. A child that easily made friends and played outside with them all day. A child that wasn’t a disappointment.

He quickly rinsed his face of the tears that decided to start trickling down, scolding himself. His parents would never be proud of him, but he didn’t need to be a baby about it.

He got out of the tub after soaking for long enough that his skin was pruney. When he was dressed, he went back into his room and settled on his chair so that he could continue training his Mewtwo.

After only two minutes, he heard the thumping of footsteps running up the stairs. He ignored it, but was forced to jump out of his skin when his bedroom door was kicked in.

“I brought my Gameboy!” a rain soaked Kuroo announced proudly.

Kenma clutched his chest, calming his racing heart after the scare. “You could have knocked.” he stuttered.

Kuroo collapsed onto the floor so he was sitting right in front of Kenma. “Then it wouldn’t have been a surprise, would it have?”

Kenma said nothing, but he could feel Kuroo studying him. He flicked his eyes to the older boy’s dark brown ones. “What?”

“Your mom said she heard you get out of the bath just now, but you didn’t even dry your hair! Or comb it!”

“I don’t need to, it’ll dry straight.”

“Ugh. Lucky.” Kuroo attempted to run his hand through his own wet and messy hair, his bangs falling right back over his face. “My mom is always giving me a hard time about my hair. It never cooperates.” he sat up on his knees and reached up to Kenma, stroking his hair. “Yours is even soft, too!”

Kenma swatted his hand away. “You can’t just go touching people like that!”

“Like what?” Kuroo half smiled, standing up. “Like this?” he used both hands to tussle up Kenma’s hair.

“Kuroo!” Kenma exclaimed, trying to fight him off. Even though he was extremely annoyed that this kid was touching him, a small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. Since Kuroo was only a few inches taller than him, Kenma was able to reach up and start mussing up his coarse black hair.

The two of them began to laugh, causing Natsumi to peek her head in.

“Are you boys hungry?” she asked, a large smile on her face.

The smile that was on Kenma’s own face dropped. “I’m not hungry.” he stated bluntly.

“I could eat!” Kuroo said, attempting to fix his hair. He looked to Kenma. “I’ll comb your hair for you and then we should eat!” he grabbed Kenma’s hand and dragged him into the bathroom. “We’ll be down to eat in a minute!” he confirmed, whisking by Natsumi.

Kuroo gently set the toilet lid down and forced Kenma to sit down. “Where are your combs?”

“I don’t need you to comb my hair.” Kenma whined, attempting to stand back up. Kuroo put his hands on Kenma’s shoulders and pushed him back down. It only took him a second to open one of the drawers and find a thick comb that would break through the tangles in Kenma’s hair.

Kenma decided it was too much energy to whine or try to escape, so he just sat quietly while Kuroo worked from the tips of his hair to his roots.

The action was soothing enough to nearly put Kenma to sleep. And Kuroo was so gentle, making sure to slowly pick at the small knots rather than tear through them.

“Your hair isn’t a hard to brush through as mine is.” Kuroo mumbled, running the comb easily through Kenma’s hair to see if there were any last knots.

“Is that why you don’t bother combing it in the morning?” Kenma peeked an eye open. “You had wild hair yesterday, too. Like you had woken up and didn’t bother with it.”

Kuroo grinned and attempted to run the comb through his own hair. It got stuck halfway down. “Like I said, my hair doesn’t cooperate, so I usually just leave it be. ‘Sides, it doesn’t look to bad when it’s messy….does it?” Kuroo’s expression dropped, and he winced as he tried to pull the comb out from his hair.

“Uhh…no. It suits you. Here.” Kenma stood up swatted Kuroo’s hands away. “Let me try.” he figured out how the comb was tangled and was able to remove it with minor hair pulling. “Sit down, I can comb yours now.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.” Kuroo turned to leave the bathroom, but Kenma grabbed his arm and jerked him back, forcing him to sit down.

“I’ll be gentle, I promise.” he used the same technique that Kuroo had used, starting from the tips and working his way to the roots. His hair looked shorter than Kenma’s, but when it was combed all the way down, he noticed that it was almost the same length. It was just so thick and coarse that it stood out at every angle and appeared shorter.

He hadn’t even realized that he was standing between Kuroo’s legs, and the older boy had rested his forehead on Kenma’s chest.

“Um…Kuroo?” Kenma gently shook his shoulder.

“Hmm?”

“I’m done.”

“Oh.” Kuroo’s head shot back. “Sorry. You almost put me to sleep! I’m so used to my mom just ripping through...” his voice trailed off. “Anyways, your mom’s probably wondering where we are!” he stood up, bumping Kenma backwards. He then grabbed the younger boys hand and dragged out the door and down the stairs.

“Tetsurou!” Natsumi greeted. “You look so handsome with your hair like that!”

“Thanks!” he smiled, taking a seat at the table. Kenma sat down next to him.

“Your father had to run.” She sighed, sitting across from them. “Apparently one of his partners were lucky enough to get a very well-endowed client. But…they can’t seem to meet the client’s expectations. The company doesn’t want to lose them, so your father had to go over and clean up the mess.”

“What does he do?” Kuroo asked, wiping his mouth on a napkin.

“He’s an interior designer!” she said excitedly. “He’s actually the one who designed this house…he did the architectural planning as well! He’s amazing with that kind of stuff.”

“Oooohh.” Kuroo looked around the kitchen. “It looks like he did a pretty good job!”

Natsumi grinned. “What about your parents, Tetsurou? We’ve all been neighbors for so long, but I don’t think I really know much about them!”

Kenma watched Kuroo’s mood darken, but Natsumi didn’t seem to see it. “They keep to themselves a lot. My dad works in a factory across town and my mom is a seamstress. They’re very average, nothing special about them.” he shrugged them off.

“Well, I’ll have to invite them over for dinner sometime.”

“You can try.” he said, picking at his food. “But they’re not very personable. And they’re always very busy…”

Natsumi furrowed her brows, but a smile still remained on her face. “Well, even so, you’re welcome here anytime Tetsurou. I’m glad that you two have something in common!”

Kenma listened to the two make small talk, but he was focused more on Kuroo’s appearance. While he was clean, his clothes were worn out and slightly too small. There were also three small bruises on his forearm that would have been hidden if he hadn’t rolled up his sleeves to eat. Kenma racked his brain, wondering if those were there the day before, or if there were a moment that he had fallen while they played volleyball.

“Are you done eating, Kenma?” his mother brought him back to reality.

He looked down at his plate, which had somehow been emptied. “Oh. Yeah. Looks like.”

“Well, why don’t you two go up and play in your room? I can clean up in here.”

Kuroo thanked Natsumi and followed Kenma back up to his room.

“What games do you have?” Kuroo had asked, flopping onto Kenma’s unmade bed.

Kenma picked up his DS case and handed it to Kuroo.

“Holy-you have so many games!” he exclaimed, digging through them. “I only have two games. How many copies of Pokemon do you need?!”

Kenma shrugged. “I like to play all of them so I don’t miss anything.” his heart fluttered. “You play Pokemon?”

“Well…no…I always wanted to. I watch the show, but my parents would never buy me the game. I only got my Gameboy and games because they were cheap at a thrift store.” he flashed is old model Gameboy, which was large and gray. “My parents don’t think that money should be spent on such things.”

“Oh.” Kuroo looked back at his own Gameboy, which was much newer. “Well…I don’t play those Pokemon games anymore. If you want to pick one out and keep it.”

Kuroo’s jaw dropped. “I can’t do that!”

“Why not?” Kenma frowned, grabbing the case back from the older boy. He pulled out a small red cartridge. “Here, you can have this one.”

“Because, these are _yours._ Besides…” he flipped his Gameboy in his hands. “It won’t fit in this one, anyways.”

“Oh. That’s right. Hang on.” Kenma bent down and began to dig under his bed, pulling out a small box filled with random pieces of technology. “Here. You can have this too.” He handed him a Gameboy Advance SP. “It even has a light up screen and a chargeable battery!”

“Kenma…I can’t accept that.” Kuroo said sternly. “It’s rude-”

Kenma shoved in into Kuroo’s hands. “I’m never going to play it again. It’ll just sit under my bed and collect dust. So just take it.”

“My parents would never allow me-”

“So don’t tell them!” Kenma exclaimed. “Or leave it here and play it whenever you come over. I’ll make sure that it stays charged for you and everything!”

Kuroo examined the silver SP. “You’re really not the kind of person I thought you were.” he mumbled. “Thank you so much. I’ll take really good care of it, I promise!”

For the next few hours, the two boys lie side by side on their stomachs in Kenma’s bed. Kenma would offer pointers here and there, or explain different battle techniques.

After Kuroo had gone home and Kenma was forced to take a second bath (to get back into a ‘routine’), Kenma made sure the SP was plugged in and charging before heading to bed.

For the first time in his life, Kenma fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

“So, you took a liking to him almost immediately.” Coco stated when Kenma became quiet. “You gave him one of your Gameboys, something that you wouldn’t have done for just anybody, correct?”

Kenma nodded. “I suppose so. I guess…I guess I was desperate for a friend. And he was the unlucky victim.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I took away some of the best years of his life when he could have been with someone worthwhile.”

She frowned. “Don’t you think he would have broken up with you if he felt that he would be happier with someone else?”

Kenma’s eyes started to burn with tears. “You said it yourself. He was kind to me. He was kind to everybody. So…I’m sure he felt trapped, you know? He didn’t want to hurt me by calling it off earlier.”

“You know, Kenma, the only way you would ever know that for sure is by talking to him about it.”

He snorted. “That will never happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because!” he snapped. “If I talk to him again, then I won’t want to leave him again. And he’ll feel trapped, _again._ I…I can get better without him. Right?”

She smiled. “Of course you can. However…I’d still like to hear more about him. I understand that a lot of it is private, so here’s what I want you to do.” she opened one of her desk drawers and pulled out a medium sized hardcover journal. “I want you to write personal memories in this.” she slid it over her desk to him.

“Why would I want to do that?” he asked, furrowing his brows. “Why would I want to relive all of those memories?”

“I think it would be helpful. I said this before, but I think it will be extremely beneficial to write down things in here that you never got to talk about with anybody else. All of these suppressed memories and feelings might just be dying to get out, and I’m hoping that if we can get them out, it will lead you to your recovery.”

Kenma picked up the journal and flipped through it. “I’ve never heard of something like this. Don’t people usually just write about how they’re feeling in the present?”

“Sometimes. But you’re very good about telling me your current feelings, I don’t see a reason to have to write them down as well.”

Kenma narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “You really want me to come back into contact with Kuroo, don’t you? That’s what this is about, right? Trying to make me miss him?”

She sighed, a look of defeat on her face. “I won’t lie to you, but yes. I think that rekindling your friendship with Tetsurou would help you tremendously. Everybody needs friends.”

“Shouyou is my friend.”

“Shouyou isn’t as close to you as Tetsurou was.”

Damn. She had a point. Kenma stood up, journal at hand. “I’ll do it for a little while. But…I don’t know how long I’ll be able to. Because I don’t want him in my life ever again.”

She nodded, a smile still plastered on her face. “That’s all I ask. If this doesn’t seem to work, we’ll find another approach.” She stood up and extended her hand. “I’ll see you again on Thursday?”

He reached back and shook it lightly. “I’ll be here.”

Without another word, he breezed through the door and practically ran out of her office.

 _I can’t believe I agreed to this._ he thought. _Writing down all of my personal memories…this is going to suck so bad._

The walk home wasn’t very long, but it exhausted him. He entered the house quietly, noticing his mother sleeping on the living room couch. After slipping off his shoes, he made his way to his room, shutting the door silently behind him.

He crawled into his bed, and despite being tired, was unable to fall asleep. He felt obligated to write some stuff down in his stupid journal. He hated the idea, but now that Coco had forced him to talk about Kuroo, that was all that was on his mind. He grabbed a pen from his desk and began to write about his childhood experiences with his best friend.

Even though it hurt, he _had_ to give it a try.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked this chapter! So far, my plan is to shift view points every chapter... that is, this one revolved around Kenma, and chapter two will revolve around Kuroo, and then it will go back to Kenma. I'm super stoked to write this!! I have a lot of plans, so be prepared for smut, sadness, and quite a bit of humor :)
> 
> Like I said, chapter two will be from Kuroo's point of view. I also want to remind you that this IS a Kenma/Kuroo fic, but there will also be a bit of Kuroo/Bokuto incidents. I really love hearing what you guys think, so pleeeease leave a comment if you have the time!! Thank you so much!!!


	2. Chapter 2

** Kuroo **

Bokuto’s hands tightened around Kuroo’s hips as he thrust himself deep inside Kuroo’s hole. The black haired man buried his face into the pillow, biting his lip. He wasn’t used to being on the receiving end.

“You okay?” Bokuto asked, his voice filled with worry. “We can stop, I don’t want to hurt you-”

“Don’t stop.” Kuroo said quickly. “I’m fine, just…keep going.”

Bokuto hesitated for a moment, but continued to slowly rock his hips back and forth. He reached underneath Kuroo and wrapped his hand around Kuroo’s completely hard dick, stroking it up and down with each thrust. When he began to increase his speed, he pushed Kuroo so he was flat, and Bokuto was able to lie on top and bury his face into his partner’s neck. After a few more intense thrusts, both men came at the same time.

Bokuto lay on top of Kuroo for a while, catching his breath and reveling in the moment. Kuroo himself was breathing heavily, but he was growing restless. Even though Bokuto was slightly shorter, he weighed a couple pounds more. It was a minor size difference, but it was uncomfortable to have such a large man on top of _and_ inside of him. Was this how Kenma felt when they slept together?

He shuddered. No, Kenma probably felt worse. He probably felt totally disgusting. He had never wanted to sleep with Kuroo in the first place, and only did it to avoid any type of conflict.

 _Stop thinking about him, dumbass._ He pulled himself away from those thoughts and focused back on Bokuto, who was now slowly pulling out of him.

He flipped Kuroo on his back so that he could deliver a kiss to the black haired man.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Bukoto’s yellowish eyes flicked back and forth over Kuroo’s dark brown ones.

“Nah.” Kuroo leaned up and kissed Bokuto.

“You’re probably better at it than I am.” Bokuto blushed. “I’m not used to being a top.”

“You did fine.” Kuroo rolled his eyes.

Bokuto smiled and reached onto the floor to grab their discarded bed sheet. He made sure that both of them were nicely tucked underneath it before resting his head onto Kuroo’s chest.

Within seconds, the wild haired man was fast asleep and snoring quite loudly.

Kuroo sighed. There was no doubt that Bokuto was good to him. He was patient, kind, and immensely in love with Kuroo.

But he wasn’t Kenma. And he never would be.

As much as Kuroo tried to shake those thoughts out of his head, they refused to leave. This had been the first time he had slept with someone in a year, and that last person was Kenma.

He slid out from beneath Bokuto, who didn’t stir in the slightest at the movement. Kuroo then made his way to the bathroom, washing himself of the sticky mess that they had made.

It was strange. He and Kenma had a system when they did anything sexual. No matter what they did, Kuroo was the one to initiate it. And when they were done, they either washed up with a cloth or took a shower immediately after. They were never too sloppy.

It was totally the opposite of the sexually passive aggressive Bokuto. Even though he had constantly asked if everything was going alright, _he_ was the one to initiate. _He_ was the one who made it his top priority to assure that Kuroo was receiving just as much pleasure as he was.

So _why_ couldn’t Kuroo fully accept that Kenma, who rarely showed any signs of affection, never actually loved him, and that true love was what Bokuto was giving him?

He rinsed his face with cold water, trying to organize his thoughts. Flashbacks of that day forced their way into his mind.

_“You’re really that desperate for love that you thought that I would return it to you?” Kenma had spit sourly. “How have you not noticed yet that I can’t love you? This entire relationship, and everything about it, was constructed because you didn’t want to be alone. So you just…took advantage of my inability to say no to my best friend.” tears streamed down the half-blonde’s face. “Why can’t you see that you disgust me?”_

_“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kuroo accused, his insides burning. He wanted to think that Kenma was bluffing, but those were real tears coming down his face. Kenma wouldn’t cry unless he was truly hurting. “Why didn’t you tell me that when we started getting serious?!”_

_“Because I was scared! You weren’t the only one afraid of being alone!” he screamed. It was the first time Kuroo had ever heard Kenma raise his voice like this. “You were the only one that I had and I was scared that you would leave if I didn’t comply! So that’s what I did! I obeyed everything that you said! And now…I have other friends. I can live without you. I don’t need you anymore.”_

Kuroo clutched his chest, swallowing the lump that built up in his throat.

He went back into the bedroom, gazing down at the man in his bed. Was it fair of him to do this? To build a romantic relationship with Bokuto when he was still strung up on Kenma?

A terrifying thought filled his mind. “ _Am I using Bokuto like Kenma had used me? To fill that void inside of me?”_

He swallowed hard and climbed back into the bed, wrapping his arms around Bokuto’s waist. He would never make Bokuto suffer the same agony that he had. He could make himself love Bokuto. All it was going to take was some time.

* * *

 

 

“What’s up with you?” Daichi asked at work the next day. “You’re off your game.”

Kuroo sighed and rinsed the cups in the sink behind the bar. “Everything is fine.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.” Daichi stood a little closer. “You know, we’re on the same team now, Kuroo. You can talk to me when something’s bothering you.”

Kuroo shrugged. “It’s not anything you need to worry about.”

“Suga will worry.” Daichi threatened.

Kuroo’s heart sank. He had only worked at the restaurant for a few months before Suga and Daichi joined after graduating. Both of them were now only part time due to university, which Kuroo opted out of, but they had all grown quite close. They knew that Kenma and Kuroo had a falling out right before Kenma moved away, though they did not know that the two Nekoma team mates were dating.

And nobody would ever know. Kuroo vowed to keep that private, since Kenma never wanted any part of it in the first place.

Even though they were enemies on the court, they had grown quite close once they became volleyball alumni. Kuroo noticed right off the bat that Suga was protective over Daichi, and he respected that. Kuroo knew that protecting the one you love was instinctual.

“He won’t even notice.” Kuroo scoffed.

Just as he said that, Suga entered the restaurant, uniform in hand. “Hey guys!” he smiled. “Sorry I’m running a little late, I ran into Hinata on the way here!”

Daichi’s eyes lit up, and he forgot the conversation with Kuroo. “What? Really? How’s our fiery little decoy doing?”

“He’s great! You wouldn’t believe it, I think he’s grown about three inches since we last saw him! He said that we should stop by one of these days. Apparently he and Kageyama have nailed some other trick and they really want us to see it.”

Daichi grinned and rolled his eyes. “Those two are getting along well then?”

Suga’s face went slightly red. “Well…” he approached the bar and lowered his voice. “Don’t say anything to anyone else, but he and Kageyama are getting along _really_ well now.” he winked.

“What do you-what?!” Daichi nearly screamed.

“Shhh!” Suga put his finger to his lips. “Kageyama doesn’t want word to get out, you know? But anyways, I told him to stop by tonight and I’d treat both of them to some delicious non-alcoholic beverages. I told him to bring the others with him as well.”

Kuroo jumped into the conversation, a sly grin on his face. “Maybe my best friend Tsukishima will join them.”

“I told him to invite the whole gang!”

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” Daichi leaned across the bar. “We’ll be able to see how well Ennoshita is handling Nishi and Tanaka!”

Suga smiled brightly. “If Nishi is coming, then that means Asahi will be here too!”

Kuroo watched the two banter back and forth about their old team before remembering that he had customers on the other side of the restaurant.

He hated that he was slightly bitter over the fact that everybody on the Karasuno volleyball team was so close. Since he’d graduated, he only saw Yamamoto, who was usually accompanied by Tanaka, so they always got dragged into hanging out with Nishi and Asahi.

 _“Oh God. I’m becoming a Karasuno alumni.”_ he thought gravely, watching Suga and Daichi flirt behind the bar. He quickly brushed it off. Karasuno was a good team, both on and off the court. It was okay for him to be friends with them, especially since he was graduated.

The rest of his shift was quiet, up until the Karasuno volleyball team arrived. Apparently Hinata stayed true to his word, and he strolled in loudly with Kageyama, Nishi, Asahi, Ennoshita, Tsukishima, Yamagucci, Tanaka, and some others that Kuroo never really paid any mind to.

He got a headache just looking at them all.

After everybody was seated, Daichi spoke with Ennoshita, and Suga had his arms around Asahi and Nishi.

“How’s work at the flower shop?” Suga asked Asahi, who now wore a black and white bandana in his hair.

“It’s great!” Asahi blushed. “If you ever need any flowers, come to me! I can give you the friends and family discount!”

“Is that so…” Suga smiled, his eyes flicking to Daichi.

Since the rest of the restaurant was empty, Kuroo took the moment to slip out and feed his recently acquired nicotine addiction.

He lit up his cigarette and took a long drag, blowing it slowly out his nose.

“What’s your deal?” a voice sounded from behind him, coming from the opposite end of the alley.

Kuroo recognized the cocky voice right away. “Hey, Glasses. What brings you out here?”

“Tch.” Tsukishima scoffed. “You didn’t make a point to harass me. I figured something must be wrong. Not that I care, but…” he furrowed his brows and looked away.

“Everything’s fine, kid. Go back to your reunion.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t know why I bothered to come in the first place, they all annoy me to no end. I needed to get away from them for a while.”

“You just got here!” Kuroo sat down on the small step in front of the restaurant’s back door.

“We had practice before this, so I’ve been with them for hours!” he defended, taking a few steps closer to Kuroo. “So, what’s eating you? Is it Kenma?”

“Why would you ask that?” Kuroo frowned.

“You two were dating, weren’t you?”

Even though Kuroo’s heart skipped a beat, his reaction didn’t. “I don’t think you quite know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m not an idiot.” Tsukishima sat down next to Kuroo. “Everybody else may be able to put off your relationship with him as mere friendship, but I saw through it the instant I laid eyes on you two.”

Kuroo couldn’t help but smile. “What if I said yes? That I’m upset over my ex-boyfriend? What advice would _you_ be able to offer me?”

“I would tell you to get over it and move on.” the blonde said bluntly, drawing his jacket closer. “It’s been a year, hasn’t it? Why are you still holding on?”

Kuroo flicked ash on the opposite side of them as to not get any on the annoying second year. “You think I _want_ to be like this? Get real, Glasses. I’ve been trying to get over him since the moment he dumped me. It’s not as easy as you’d think.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Kuroo.”

They sat silently for a little while as Kuroo finished his cigarette. Just as Tsukishima stood up to leave, Kuroo grabbed him by the arm. “What’s the _real_ reason you came out here?”

“I was checking on you. I thought I made that obvious?”

Kuroo narrowed his eyes. “You sure there was nothing else you needed to say?”

Tsukishima’s face went red. “There was one thing…gah. I can’t talk to any of the others about it because it would be too weird. And everybody seems to be utterly oblivious to the fact that there are couples on the team…but…do you think Yama likes me?” he finally asked.

Kuroo nearly choked. “Here I thought you were going to confess your undying love to me!”

“What? Gross, ew, no.” Tsukishima turned his head. “I’ve never thought about you like that. I’ve…never thought of _anyone_ like that. So that’s why I’m asking.”

“I still don’t understand.” Kuroo said after catching his breath. “Of course that little squirt likes you.”

“I thought so. I just…don’t know how to react?”

“ _Oh.”_ Kuroo thought, thinking about what he said about not thinking of anyone ‘like that.’ “You don’t feel the same way about him?”

“Not in the slightest. I think…there may be something wrong with me?” his voice wavered. “Everybody else is always rambling on about their crushes, or they’re busy trying to hide their gay relationships…but I really…I don’t…” Tsukishima couldn’t get the words out, but Kuroo understood.

“You don’t have to.” Kuroo clapped him on the back. “You don’t have to be attracted to people. You don’t have to want to have sex, or want to be in a relationship. Whatever choice you make is the right one, especially when it comes to matters such as these.” Kuroo chuckled. “Though, I should have known you were asexual. How else would you be so blind to Yama’s clear affection?”

Tsukishima sighed in relief. “So…it’s normal to not want to have anything to do with that type of thing?”

“Of course it is. And trust me, you’re better off anyways. If there were a switch…I would flip it in a heartbeat.”

Tsukishima nodded. “Thanks…Kuroo. But what do I do about Yama? How do I tell him it’s really not _his_ fault? That I don’t like people like that at all?”

“He’s your best friend. Even if he likes you, he’ll accept your choices.” he rubbed his chin. “Though, I don’t know why he would go for someone as uptight and bratty as you.” Kuroo grinned.

Tsukishima turned quickly to walk away, calling over his shoulder, “You tell anyone and I’ll kick your ass!”

Kuroo only gave him a thumbs up and a nod before retreating through the back door of the restaurant.

 

* * *

 

After the gang had filled themselves up, they began to all shuffle out the door, couple by couple. Hinata and Kageyama were the last ones to go, and since Daichi and Suga were the ones closing up, Kuroo joined them in their walk home.

“So.” Kuroo wrapped his arm around Kageyama’s shoulder. “You two make out yet?”

The look that Kageyama gave Hinata was worse than eight billion daggers stabbing into him at once. He put Hinata into a chokehold and rubbed his knuckles hard against Hinata’s skull.

“I’m sorryyyy.” Hinata whined, trying to escape. “I told Suga not to tell anyone!”

“Suga knows too?!” Kageyama yelled. “I thought we agreed to keep it a secret?!”

“No good comes out of secret relationships, Kageyama.” Kuroo said, lighting another cigarette.

“Yeah, you would know, wouldn’t you?” Kageyama hissed, taking Kuroo by surprise. Kageyama must not have been thinking about what he was saying because he quickly looked to the ground in shame.

Hinata punched him in the arm, hard. “I told you to keep your mouth shut about that!”

“It’s fine.” Kuroo said, blowing smoke away from them. “He’s right. So yeah, I do have experience with that. Though I must add…mine and Kenma’s relationship was far different than yours. You two actually like each other.”

Hinata frowned, increasing his speed to keep up with the taller men’s longer strides. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I think you know what it means, Hinata. I’m sure Kenma has told you everything.” the last part came out slightly bitter, though it couldn’t be helped. While Kuroo didn’t hold it against Hinata, he _was_ one of the friends that Kenma was referring to when he dumped Kuroo.

“Well yeah, but he never mentioned anything about you two not liking each other!”

Kageyama nudged Hinata. “Maybe you shouldn’t get involved…”

“No!” Hinata raised his voice. “Stop walking for a minute and listen!” he grabbed Kuroo’s wrist and jerked him back. “Have you even talked to Kenma since you broke up?”

“No.” Kuroo yanked his hand away. “Why would I? He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“You of all people know that’s not true!”

Kuroo’s blood was beginning to boil. “Do you even understand what you’re talking about?” his voice got louder. “What did Kenma tell you, anyways?”

Hinata shrank back a little. “He…he told me you and him needed to break up because there was no way it would ever work.”

“Yes, because he didn’t want to be with me anymore! He broke up with me because he didn’t love me!”

“I don’t believe that, and if you do, then you’re an idiot!” Hinata yelled. “You and him were together for _years._ You should know him better than anyone else, and that there was no way he didn’t love you!”

Kuroo’s anger had finally reached its limit. He reached forward and grabbed Hinata by his collar, lifting him right up off of the ground so that they were face to face.

“He doesn’t love me, Hinata. And he never will. Get that through your head.”

Kageyama panicked and swung a punch directly into the side of Kuroo’s face. He dropped Hinata to the ground and held his aching cheek. “Christ, I wasn’t going to hurt him!” he yelled at Kageyama.

“I…I panicked!” Kageyama yelled back, helping Hinata up off of the ground. “Are you okay?” he whispered, checking the red head for injuries. It made Kuroo sick.

“I’m fine!” Hinata grabbed Kageyama’s hands. “He wouldn’t hurt me.” he looked back to Kuroo, who was stomping on the cigarette that flew from his mouth.

“Sorry, Hinata. It’s a sore subject. Let’s leave it at that. Have a good night. Walk home safely.” Kuroo said shortly before continuing quickly down the sidewalk.

“You need to talk to him!” Hinata yelled, but Kuroo waved him off. There was no way he was going to talk to Kenma after all of this time.

Who did Hinata think he was, anyways? Why would he start talking about this stuff _now?_ The fact that he hadn’t come to him sooner just made Kuroo assume that he was bluffing and just trying to get the two back together again. But why would he? Kenma may be his friend, but Kuroo and Hinata weren’t that close. So why would Hinata try to get involved if it didn’t concern something important about Kenma?

When he got home, Bokuto was standing at the stove cooking some random concoction.

“Hey!” he beamed, waving an over-mitted hand. “How was work?”

Kuroo wasted no time and grabbed Bokuto’s face, mashing their lips together. He let his tongue enter Bokuto’s mouth and swirl around inside, thinking of a way to forget about Kenma.

“Not too good?” Bokuto answered his own question after Kuroo pulled away.

Kuroo only smiled, sliding the oven mitt from his partner’s hand. He then guided Bokuto into the living room, jerked his sweatpants down, and shoved him into the medium sized armchair. He then shed his own work pants and settled into Bokuto’s lap, pressing their lips together again while stroking his partner’s dick.

It didn’t take long before Bokuto was hard, so Kuroo grabbed his partner’s dick and began to press the tip into his own hole.

It was like he was being ripped in half. Bokuto stopped him from putting any more than the head in. “What are you doing?!” he scolded. “You didn’t even prepare yourself! At least use lube if you’re gonna do something like that!”

Kuroo ignored him completely, and jolted himself downwards so that the rest of Bokuto’s dick slid all of the way inside of him. He let out a small yelp when this happened, and Bokuto held him tightly to keep him from moving.

“I don’t like this, Kuroo.” he said.

Kuroo breathed heavily, his arms wrapped tightly around Bokuto’s neck. “I like it.” he whispered, nibbling at Bokuto’s ear.

Bokuto seemed to buy it, because his grip loosened, and then two of them began to move slightly in opposite directions. Though the chair was small for the two tall men, it offered them just enough room.

As Kuroo bounced up in down, the pain brought him a different sense of relief. He was no longer thinking if his situation with Kenma. In fact, he couldn’t think of anything but the tearing sensation coming from his bottom.

And he liked it. The physical pain was ten thousand times more bearable than the emotional pain.

When they were finished, Kuroo sat up quickly to release Bokuto’s dick.

The pain was so bad that he almost passed out.

“You’re bleeding, you damn moron!” Bokuto yelled, staring at the droplets of blood that covered his lap. He easily stood up and set Kuroo back down on the chair, then pulled up his sweats before running to get a warm washcloth.

Kuroo was exhausted, but Bokuto forced him to stand so that he could dab Kuroo’s hole with the warm cloth. He flinched at the initial presence of the cloth, but wrapped his arms around Bokuto’s neck while the older man held the cloth.

When they were both all cleaned up, and Bokuto disposed of the food that burnt on the stove, they lay in bed together, the tension strong within the air.

“What was that all about?” Bokuto asked, spooning against Kuroo’s back. “I’ve never seen you act so…so…”

“Insensitively?” Kuroo asked. He turned so that he was facing Bokuto. “I’m sorry. I should have thought about how you would feel, I just-”

“To hell with that! I was gonna say I’ve never seen you act so reckless! You could have really hurt yourself, you know that? You only tore a little bit, but what would have happened if you tore a lot? Do you know how painful that would be? Sure, I feel shitty because it was _my_ dick that did that to you, but…Kuroo? Are you crying?”

And he was. For the first time in a very _very_ long time, Kuroo let out the waterworks. Bokuto didn’t know what else to do, other than hold his partner close and tell him he was sorry for yelling

 _“Of course he would think this is all his fault.”_ Kuroo thought. “I’m sorry.” he told him. “I was running away from something, and I used you to distract me. It’s got nothing to do with you.” He said quietly.

“Why can’t you _tell me_ what’s going on?” Bokuto squeezed him tighter. “It’s not like I’m completely clueless, you know? I know it’s something to do with your ex. So why don’t you talk to me about it instead of bottling it up like an idiot?”

Kuroo cleared his throat and forced the tears to stop. “Because it’s irrelevant now.” he said, attempting to sound like he was put together. “Because talking about it won’t change a damn thing.”

Bokuto didn’t say anything after that, which Kuroo was thankful for. He just wanted to fall asleep, as it had indeed been an extremely long day.

 

* * *

 

He regretted his actions when he attempted to walk in the morning. His bottom ached painfully, and he was thankful that Bokuto had already gone to work and that he himself had the day off.

He took a long, hot shower, occasionally cranking up the heat until it was at its highest setting. His skin felt as though it were literally on fire, and he could no longer distinguish between what were tears and was water running down his face.

The pain felt good.

When he got out of the shower, he heard his phone ringing from the bedroom. He got to it just in time, not recognizing the number on the screen.

“Hello?”

“ _Tetsurou?”_ a familiar voice questioned.

“Uhh, yeah. Who’s this?”

“ _Natsumi! Kenma’s mother!”_

Kuroo’s blood went cold. Why in the hell was _she_ calling him? “Oh, hey mom.” he said out of habit. “How’s…how’s everything going?” he sat on the edge of the bed, trying to avoid his wet towel from getting the sheets wet.

“ _Well…it’s going. Listen, I know it’s been a while. How’ve you been?”_

“Fine.” he said monotonously. He realized he’d been saying that a lot recently. “How’re you?”

 _“Oh, you know.”_ she giggled nervously. _“Tetsurou, I need to talk to you about something really important. I know that you and Kenma don’t talk anymore, but I just…he needs help. And I can’t help him. He’s going to a counselor, but she’s not making progress either. We both think it would help him if maybe you got in touch with him.“_

Kuroo’s heart rate picked up. “What do you mean ‘help?’ Help with what?”

 _“Well…his recovery.”_ she hesitated. _“Didn’t you hear about that?”_

“Hear about what?” he asked, getting irritated. “I haven’t heard from Kenma since the breakup. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t help him, Natsumi. Whatever it is, I can’t do anything about it.” with that, he hung up the phone.

As he got dressed, he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. And the more he thought, the more he regretted hanging up, because now he was really worried. Was Kenma sick? Did he get into an accident? Did someone hurt him _again_? He grit his teeth together at the last thought.

He needed to get ahold of Hinata again and figure out what the hell was going on.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So quite a bit has happened in this chapter! Sorry if it gets a little confusing at some parts, I can do some explaining if need be! I probably won't include a whole lot about the rest of Karasuno in later chapters, but I wanted to throw them in and touch on them a bit :) If you want to hear more, though, let me know so I can write more into their relationships!!! Also, I kind of dig the whole 'asexual Tsukki' thing. And flowershop Asahi. And I DO feel bad for Bokuto, but you'll see in the upcoming chapters that Kuroo DOES care for him and isn't solely using him to get over Kenma. Sorry if the scene with Kuroo was a bit brutal...he's looking for ways to override the pain in his heart, and the only solution to him is physical pain. So yeah, let me know what ya'll think!! It really helps when I get constructive criticism! The next chapter will be focused on Kenma, so keep reading! Thank you :) <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Sorry for the slightly late update. This summer college course I'm taking is kicking my ass. Anyways, a bit about this chapter before you start to read. I took the liberty of naming Kenma's parents 'Masao' and 'Natsumi.' Also, I'll be doing a lot of memory shifting. So when you see these "~~~~~" it means that whoever is in the lead perspective is reliving a memory. 
> 
> Just a warning, this chapter is a bit heavier, and they will only continue to grow heavier. I'm sorry ;-;

** Kenma **

“Your journaling is going well, then?” Coco asked at their next appointment.

Kenma nodded, folding his legs beneath him. “Yeah. I was surprised…I didn’t realize how much I had forgotten. I guess…I just didn’t realize how every memory that I have involves Kuroo in some way.”

“He played a big part in your life. It’s only natural to have him in so many of your memories.”

“Yeah.” Kenma hesitated. “Can I…can I tell you something? I need to talk about it. To someone. I’m ready to tell you the whole reason why Kuroo and I broke up.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Of course, Kenma. You can tell me whatever you want.”

“I’m only telling you this because you can’t tell anybody else.” He clarified, giving her a stern look.

She held up her hand. “I won’t breathe a word.”

Kenma nodded and took a deep breath. “I noticed it the first day that Kuroo and I played volleyball. And tons of times after that. I was so young, and I didn’t entirely understand it. Kuroo always had these…bruises. They were never really bad. He did well to hide them.” Kenma tucked a loose bang behind his ear. “Then he missed school for a few days. I mean, he was a class ahead of me, so I didn’t see him too often in the day anyways, but we would usually walk to and from school in the morning. I didn’t realize it until those few days how much I had grown attached to him. How much I really cared about him.” His voice wavered. “When I saw him again, he wouldn’t look me in the eye. He was his same self, but there was something really wrong. When we had volleyball practice that night, he stayed late. So I waited with him. When we went to the locker room…well, he tried to hide it. But when he took his shirt off, there were bruises everywhere. Dark purple bruises. I remember, they looked so _fucking_ painful.” His throat started to close up, and his eyes watered. “He just looked at me. And for the first time in the three years that we had known each other, he started to sob. I never even saw him come close to crying, and there he was. Reduced to a puddle of tears.” Kenma started to pick at his fingernails, which were already bitten down to the nub. The rest of the memory was personal, but it still lingered through his consciousness.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenma knelt down in front of Kuroo and pulled him into a hug. It was the first time that they had ever embraced, and Kenma’s heart fluttered up into his throat. He let one hand rub slowly and gently up and down Kuroo’s bare back, the other twirling into his thick hair. Kuroo’s arms linked tightly behind Kenma’s back. While he was always aware of their increasing size difference, he felt much larger than Kuroo in this instance.

When Kuroo had finally stopped crying, and Kenma’s shoulder was soaked, they continued to hold each other.

“I know that you know what happened.” Kuroo sniffed. “What I don’t know is for how long you’ve known.”

Kenma shrugged lightly. “I’ve had my suspicions since the first time we hung out. I just…” Kenma sighed “…I didn’t know what to say. I should have told someone sooner.” He guiltily admitted.

“No!” Kuroo detached and held Kenma at arm’s length. “No. You can’t tell anyone.”

“Why not?” Kenma asked. “Kuroo, you can’t stay in that house!”

“I have nowhere else to go! I don’t have any other family!” he raised his voice, his body beginning to tremble.

“Well… you can come stay with me!” Kenma tried to shake Kuroo’s hands off him, as they were beginning to tighten against his biceps. “I’ll get rid of some of my stuff! It will be like one never ending sleepover!”

Kuroo’s eyes began to water again. “You know that won’t happen. Even if I _was_ able to leave, I wouldn’t stay here. They would ship me away.” His hands dropped and rested on Kenma’s thighs. “I can’t leave you, Kenma. I…” he cast his eyes down.” …I love you too much. I know you don’t care for me like I do for you. But…please don’t let them take me away from you.”

Kenma didn’t know what to say. Kuroo…loved him? What did that even mean? His heart thumped as he brought a hand up to rest it on one of Kuroo’s wet cheeks, stroking it gently with a thumb. “If he’s hurting you, then you need to get out. Even if it separates us for a little while…I won’t let you continue to be hurt because of me. You have to do what’s best for you.”

“I _am_ doing what’s best for me!” he yelled, his voice echoing throughout the locker room. “I’m getting stronger. Can’t you see that? I’m working hard to get stronger so that I can fight him off. And I was doing really well for a long time. But when he’s drunk, he so _powerful_ and it’s almost impossible.” He bit his lip. “I’ll be fine.” He was slouching down so he had to gaze up to look into Kenma’s eyes. He reached up and brushed Kenma’s hair out of his face, letting his hand wrap around the back of his head.

And then he pulled him in for a kiss. To Kenma, it happened both fast and slow. Fast because he wasn’t expecting it, but slow because it felt as though time was at a standstill. Their lips met, and neither of them really knew what to do. Kuroo opened his mouth slightly and sucked on Kenma’s bottom lip, causing a breath to hitch in Kenma’s throat. Kuroo pulled away and rested his forehead against Kenma’s. “Please…don’t let them take me away from you.”

“Kuroo…” Kenma gently pushed him back. “I won’t say anything…I’ll keep quiet. But if he hurts you again…” his eyes flicked down to Kuroo’s chest, which housed a bruise the size of a tea plate.

Kuroo smiled weakly. “It’ll be fine. I’ll be okay.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t suppose you could forget I kissed you? That was a little rude of me.”

Kenma blushed and turned away. “I don’t think it was.” He mumbled softly.

Kuroo’s eyes lit up, and Kenma could see the gears working in his mind. “Can I do it again?” he asked eagerly.

“Kiss me?” Kenma frowned.

“No, cry like a baby on your shoulder. What do you think?”

Kenma’s blush deepened to an even darker shade of crimson. However, he didn’t refuse. Kuroo pulled him into a kiss again, this time pushing his tongue into Kenma’s mouth. He combed his fingers through the sides of Kenma’s hair, keeping him from pulling away.

It was foreign. Strange. While Kenma didn’t _hate_ that Kuroo was running his tongue all over his teeth, it made him feel weird. Friends didn’t do this kind of thing. Even _best_ friends didn’t do this kind of thing. So what-

“Will you go out with me?” Kuroo interrupted Kenma’s thoughts, tracing his lips down Kenma’s neck. “I can see the steam coming out of your ears, you’re thinking so hard.” He whispered. It sent shivers down Kenma’s spine, and he clasped his hands tightly in his lap. Kuroo spoke again. “I already established that I love you.” He sat back to look Kenma in the eye. “And I’m never going to love anyone else. So…give me a chance to show you how much I love you.”

Kenma’s face continued to burn as he looked at his hands. Why did Kuroo want to date _him?_ Kuroo had always said that he like girls _and_ boys, so why didn’t he date someone else? Wouldn’t he find a more suitable person? Kenma was just Kenma. Boring, ugly, and uninteresting. Kuroo was the exact opposite. He was outgoing and beautiful.

Kuroo rested a hand on top of Kenma’s, which were clasped so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. “Kenma…what are you thinking?” he asked.

Kenma sighed lightly. “I don’t think we should date.” He said simply.

“Oh.” Kuroo pulled his hand away. “I…oh. I guess I should have asked you if you even liked guys. Wow, this is embarrassing.” He stood up and grabbed a clean shirt from his pack. “I’m sorry, Kenma.” He said, his ears turning red. “I guess I wasn’t really expecting to get turned down.”

Kenma looked up at him, watching him slip the t-shirt over his head. “Kuroo…it’s not that I don’t want to.” He stood up. “It’s just that I think you should find someone who’s better for you. It’s not fair for you to…try to commit to someone like me.”

“Someone like you?” Kuroo asked, folding his arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kenma’s stomach tightened. “I mean that you’re…out of my league. I don’t deserve someone like you.”

Kuroo muffled a laugh under his hand. “You don’t actually think that, do you?” he grinned. “That’s just a lie to try to make me feel better, right?”

Kenma shot him a dirty look. “It’s the truth! You…you’re so much better than I am. Why would you want to date me? Kings don’t date peasants, Kuroo.”

“You’re an idiot.” Kuroo shook his head. “If the only reason you won’t date me is because you have low self-worth, then I won’t accept your refusal.”

Kenma frowned and looked at Kuroo, who paced closer to him.

“Does our friendship make you happy?” Kuroo asked, sitting on the bench that was directly next to Kenma.

“Of course it does.” Kenma grumbled. “But a relationship is a commitment. You can have lots of friends, but only one…boyfriend. What happens when you find someone better than me? If I date you and fall in love with you, what happens when you no longer want to be with me? It _will_ happen, Kuroo. Someone better will come along.”

Kuroo grabbed Kenma’s arm roughly and pulled him in, forcing Kenma to straddle his lap. “Nobody else. Nobody can take me away from you. I will only leave when you have decided that I’m not good enough for you. When you don’t need me anymore.”

Kenma linked his arms behind Kuroo’s neck to keep his balance. “That will never happen.”

Kuroo smiled. “Good. Then it’s settled.” He craned his neck up and kissed Kenma on the lips. “I’ll take you on an official date this Friday.”

“Were you ignoring everything I just said?” Kenma tried to get off of Kuroo’s lap, but the older boy’s strength exceeded his own.

“Of course not. You don’t want to date me because you think that I deserve better, and that if we do date, someone better will take me away from you. But I’ve already clarified that there is nobody better for me than you. And nobody will ever take me away from you. Not some girl or guy, not my father, _nobody.”_

Kenma didn’t have an argument for that. He could tell that Kuroo wasn’t going to give up on the subject. He relaxed a bit, sinking lower in Kuroo’s lap. “We can’t tell anyone about it though, you know? Wouldn’t it be easier for you to date a girl?”

“Probably.” Kuroo shrugged honestly. “But I’d rather love you in secrecy than force a love in public.”

Kenma couldn’t hold back a small smile, which Kuroo stole with his lips. They did this for a long time-lips connected, hands moving slowly over each other’s bodies.

Finally, Kenma reminded Kuroo that they did need to go home at some point, so they finished getting dressed and walked home as if nothing had happened.

That night, however, Kenma lay in bed, thinking about everything that Kuroo had said. He still believed that Kuroo would find someone better. But until then, Kuroo was _his_ boyfriend. And it was in that small fraction of a second before falling asleep that Kenma realized how much he really loved Kuroo.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, this is the first time anyone has been informed about the abuse that happened in the Kuroo household?” Coco pulled Kenma from his thoughts.

He blinked a few times to focus back on reality. “Yeah. It stopped in high school, though. For the most part.”

She nodded, but a confused expression was on her face. “I’m glad you told me this, but you said that it explained the real reason why you and Tetsurou broke up.”

“Oh. Right.” Kenma had forgotten _why_ he was telling Coco these things. “Yeah. So, we kept our relationship hidden for a long time. It was easy, seeing as we never showed our affection in public. And everybody just assumed that the endless hours we spent together were just because we were best friends. My parents knew about it, though. They found out in my first year of high school.” He shifted in his seat, staring at the clock, which revealed that he only had a few minutes left. “Anyways, my dad got a job an hour out of town. So we had to move. It was close to when Kuroo was graduating, and he told me that he would get an apartment and we could move in together so that I could still graduate form my high school, and we wouldn’t have to be separated. My parents even offered to send me money every month to help with rent and whatnot.” Kenma stared down at his hands again, picking at a hang nail. “They loved Kuroo and trusted him. I think they knew that bad things would happen if we were no longer together.”

“So why did you break up then?” she asked, leaning forward in her chair.

“His dad found out.” Kenma sighed. “His parents expected Kuroo to go to college and get a job where he earned lots of money so that he could support them when they were older. But when Kuroo said he was moving out, and that _I_ was going to live with him, his dad pieced it together. I don’t know the details behind it, really. But a few days later, I was walking home in the dark after making a midnight snack run. And his dad attacked me.

 

_“Don’t you know how much you’ll ruin Tetsu’s life if you stay with him? He will never have children, never get a good job, and he’ll never be happy. Why do you want to take those away from him? You’re nothing. He will find a wife that can actually fulfill his needs. And you’ll be left behind. So end it, right now. Save yourself the trouble.”_

Coco’s eyes widened. “He’s the one who put you in the hospital.”

“Yes. And so…I took his advice. And broke up with Kuroo. I knew how much he loved me, and if his father came at me again, it would only continue to break Kuroo’s heart. So I had to lie to him about it as well. That was the hard part.”

Coco ran her fingers through her long, black hair. “But Tetsurou…he doesn’t know that’s the reason, does he? I mean, even now?”

“The only person who knows who attacked me that night are me, you, and Kuroo’s father.”

She nodded. “This is…this is very enlightening, Kenma. Thank you for telling me this.”

Kenma felt exhausted. He looked back at the clock and noticed that he had gone over his hour by a few minutes.

“Don’t worry about that, Kenma. I needed to hear that.” She stood up and extended her hand. “I look forward to seeing you again. Tuesday at one, alright?”

He also stood and took her hand, giving it a shake. “I’ll be here.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Kenma got home, his mother stopped him from going to his room. “Don’t fall asleep in there, okay? You need to eat today, Kenma. You’re losing far too much weight. And your father’s already home, so I’d like for us to eat together tonight.”

“I need a nap.” He grumbled. “Just…wake me up when it’s ready.”

He pushed past her and walked down the hallway to his room. He wrapped himself in his blanket and attempted to fall asleep, but found it impossible.

A light knock on his door forced him out of pre-sleep mode.

“Kenma, you awake?” his father’s voice sounded.

“Yeah, come in.” Kenma sat up, pulling his knees to his chest.

His father opened the door and grinned widely. “Your mother said it looked like you had a rough day.”

Kenma shrugged, and his father sat down right next to him on the bed.

“You know, even though you talk to that therapist, it’s still okay to talk to us.” He ruffled Kenma’s hair. “We’re still your parents, and we want to hear what you’ve got to say.”

“I know.” Kenma nodded. “I just…don’t have anything to say, I guess.”

Masao smiled again. “That’s perfectly alright. I just wanted to make sure you knew. Kenma…” Masao rubbed the back of his neck. “You remember when you were a little younger, and you would sometimes…just…cry? And you never told us why, no matter how much we badgered you?”

Kenma’s face turned red. “What are you getting at?” he asked, irritated.

“Well, we would always hold you until you were done. Sometimes you would cry for five minutes, sometimes an hour. But we never let you go until you were done. We know now why that used to happen, but…well…what I’m saying is, if you ever just need to let it all out, you’re not too big to fit in my lap.” He finished quickly. “I know you might think it childish and maybe a bit embarrassing, but I don’t care. So if you need that again, then I am more than happy to do that.”

Kenma bit his lip. He and his father had always been close. Much closer than he and his mother. When he was in middle school, he would come home and sob in his bedroom. His mother usually couldn’t get him to stop. So when his father came home, he would snuggle into Kenma’s bed and lay there with him until it was over. Kenma couldn’t imagine how they must have felt when there was nothing else they could do to ease his pain.

And over this past year, Kenma had grown very distant from his parents.

“I’ll be alright, Dad.” He said quietly. “I’m sorry that…I am the way I am.”

“Hey.” Masao said sternly, leaning towards Kenma. “You don’t need to be sorry. You did nothing wrong.” He reached over and squeezed Kenma’s knee. “I wish there were more I could do for you.”

“I know, Dad.” Kenma sighed.

Masao smiled weakly and dropped his hand. “I’ll let you be, then. Ken…you really are losing a lot of weight. Please join us for dinner tonight?”

Kenma hesitated. “I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask.” Masao smiled and stood up. “Get some rest, kiddo. I’ll come wake you up when it’s ready.”

Kenma nodded as his father crossed the room.

He knew his father loved him. His mother too. So why…why couldn’t he just _be_ better? Why couldn’t he be happy, if not for himself, but for them?

His throat tightened and hot tears filled in his eyes.

“Dad?” he called out, just as Masao turned the corner out of his room.

“Yeah?” he poked his head back in.

The tears started to stream down quietly, and Masao hurried back to scoop Kenma into his arms. Just like all those years ago, Masao cradled Kenma in his arms and rocked gently back and forth while Kenma cried into his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

 

“You should wake him up.” Kenma heard his mother’s voice and realized that he must have fallen asleep. He kept his eyes closed, wanting to listen to what they said.

“He’s exhausted.” Masao said quietly, repositioning himself so that he could climb out of the bed. “Let him sleep another hour or so.”

The two of them stepped out of the bedroom and closed the door gently, but Kenma could hear them arguing on the other side.

_“He needs to eat, Masao, he’s wasting away in front of us! Is that what you want? You’re too easy on him, we need to be hard on him!”_ his mother’s voice was frantic.

_“Of course that’s not what I want.”_ His father replied _. “I want him to get better. I just wanted him to get a little more sleep, that’s it.”_

_“He needs to talk to us. He needs the social interaction. He needs…he needs a friend. He needs Tetsurou.”_

Kenma’s ears perked up, and he sat up quickly. He could hear his mother start to cry, and their footsteps receded down the hall. He got out of bed and opened the door quietly to hear the rest of their conversation in the kitchen.

_“I’m going to call Tetsurou.”_ Natsumi said, blowing her nose _. “I’ll call him and maybe he’ll agree to come visit Kenma.”_

_“Is that wise?”_ Masao asked, his voice barely audible. _“I know Coco thinks that it will help, but Kenma needs to be ready to see him. **He** needs to be the one to initiate it. As much as I would love to see them together again, we can’t force it. Not to mention…we can’t put that kind of responsibility on Tetsurou. We can’t just tell him that Kenma is falling off the edge and just expect Tetsurou to take the fall.”_

Kenma pushed the door open and trailed slowly into the kitchen. He couldn’t let them call Kuroo. He needed to try harder to get better. And if he couldn’t _really_ get better, he had to at least pretend that he could.

“Kenma!” Natsumi smiled, pulling out her chair. She glanced nervously at Masao. “Did we wake you?”

“No.” he said, sitting across from her. “I smelled the food and I realized how hungry I was.” He lied.

“Well, good!” she smiled, passing him a bowl of rice. “I made plenty, so eat as much as you can!”

Kenma could sense that there was still slight hostility in the air, and though he was utterly exhausted, he tried to talk as much as he could with them to ease their worries.

When the meal was done, he even tried to help with dishes, but Natsumi brushed him off. “You look tired, my love. I’ll take care of the clean-up, you go rest, alright?” she grabbed his face and kissed the top of his head.

He forced a small smile and kissed her on the cheek. “Alright. Thank you.” He turned to go to his room, but Masao stepped in and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Sleep well, kiddo.” He said over Kenma’s shoulder. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

“Night, Dad. And…thank you.” He gave his father a tight squeeze before heading back into his room. He grabbed a clean set of pajamas and a small metal container before retreating into the bathroom to wash up.

Normally, he hated taking baths and showers. But by taking a shower tonight, his parents might think that he is getting better. And it also gave him the privacy that he needed to relieve some of his own pain.

He started the shower and let the water heat up while he stripped out of his clothes. He then opened the metal container and pulled out a small pocketknife that his parents had somehow missed when they removed all of his cutting instruments after his suicide attempt.

He opened up the blade and climbed into the shower, letting the scalding hot water burn his skin red. He traced the deep scars on his thighs, making note of how disgusting they looked in the poor bathroom lighting. With a deep breath, he pressed the blade into his thigh, alongside of a cut from a week ago that had begun to scab over. Slowly, painfully, he dragged the blade across his skin, watching the blood begin to flow out almost immediately. The hot shower water made the pain even worse, but it washed the blood down the drain instantly. Kenma gasped as he lifted the blade away, tears stinging his eyes. He pressed the blade down again, only millimeters from the cut he had just bore. Again, he dragged it slowly, triggering every microscopic pain receptor.

He continued to do this, six more times, until his head was light from the loss of blood and the intense heat from the shower. He set the knife down on the edge of the shower and dove his head under the water stream, washing his face of the sweat and tears. He took as long as he needed for his cuts to let up, and he managed to wash his hair and the rest of his body.

When he was finished, he dried quickly and taped a piece of gauze to his cuts, flushing the wrapper down the toilet. He then dressed in his pajamas and dried the knife before returning it to the metal box.

While lying in bed, he thought of Kuroo. He thought of how much he missed the black haired moron who harmlessly embarrassed him in front of their friends 24/7. He thought of how kind Kuroo was to him, and how tender he was when they were alone together. He could almost feel Kuroo tracing small circles on Kenma’s back, like he did when they were pressed together.

He missed that. He missed the heat of Kuroo’s body next to him, the feeling of his hands all over him, and the sound his voice as it whispered seemingly meaningless things into Kenma’s ears.

But most all, he just missed Kuroo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm putting my baby through this ;-; If you're worried, things WILL get better for Kenma. I plan on having 12+ chapters, and, if this pans out like I want, there will be a second part, and this will become a series :) There may not be an update for a while, as I'll be in San Francisco for school, soooo...It may be like three weeks :/ Until next time, my friends!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN CELEBRATION OF THE FFVII REMAKE, I HAVE DECIDED TO SAY FUCK SLEEP AND WRITE THIS CHAPTER!!! Also, I'm going to start including bonus chapters soon. They'll basically just have to do with Kenma and Kuroo's relationship in the past. Essentially, they're gonna be random smut chapters that don't exactly apply to the storyline, but they are within this version of canon divergence (does that make sense?) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Leave a comment and tell me whatcha think ;)

** Kuroo **

“Thank you for meeting with me.” Kuroo reached across the booth table and ruffled Hinata’s hair. “I really am sorry for freaking you guys out the other day.” His eyes flicked to Kageyama’s stone cold glare.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Kageyama grumbled, shifting back in his seat. “Hinata and I really _do_ have a lot to do today, though, so the sooner you get to your point, the better.”

“Kageyama!” Hinata exclaimed, elbowing his boyfriend in the ribs. “Don’t be rude!”

The setter rolled his eyes, but Kuroo only smiled. “I’d like to get this over with as soon as possible anyways, Hinata. About what you said last week.” He cleared his throat. “What exactly did you mean?”

Hinata took a drink of his tea and frowned. “What did I say, again?”

Kuroo sighed. “You told me that I was wrong about Kenma not loving me.”

“Yeah. You are.”

“Care to elaborate?” Kuroo raised his eyebrows. “When Kenma broke up with me, he said that he never loved me, and it was all a big lie. So when you come stumbling in, telling me that he _doesn’t_ feel that way, it…really got to me, you know?” he raised his eyebrows. “Did he say this to you himself, or did you just pull this out of your ass?”

Kageyama’s glare shot daggers at Kuroo, but he ignored it.

“Actually… _he_ did.” Hinata began. “I didn’t even know about the breakup until a few weeks later when I found out that he had moved. I was surprised, because I thought that he was going to go live with _you_. When I asked him…well, he said that he wasn’t going to ‘be a burden to you anymore,’ whatever that means. He said that you would have been forced to move out too early, and you would have to work through the rest of your third year, and he didn’t want that. I wasn’t too worried about him at the time because I thought that it was a mutual agreement between the two of you. But…I should have known that you wouldn’t have stood for it.”

Kuroo’s head was spinning. “So, let’s get this straight. Kenma told you that _I_ would be burdened by us being together?” he folded his arms across his chest. “Does he still have feelings for me then?”

“I don’t know.” Hinata said simply. “I mean…I’m pretty sure he does. I guess I’m not totally sure, but I would assume so.”

Kuroo was starting to get agitated. “What is this accident everybody’s been talking about? Natsumi called me and said that he needed help with his recovery or something? Did he get himself run over by a damn bus?”

Hinata’s face flushed, and Kageyama focused on his tea, avoiding the conversation.

“You…really don’t know?” Hinata said quietly. “I figured _someone_ would have called and at least told you about it…”

“Know _what?!”_ Kuroo half yelled, his patience running thin. “I wouldn’t fucking _ask_ if I knew-”

“He tried to kill himself.” Hinata cut him off.

Kuroo blinked. “Excuse me?”

“About a month or so ago. I hadn’t talked to him for a while, so I don’t know how bad he was getting before that. But he tried to kill himself. With pills, or something.”

Kuroo’s blood turned to ice, and his world slowed down. “Why would…why?” he stammered.

Hinata shook his head. “I’ve only been able to see him once, and it was after he got home. He wasn’t even happy to see me, really. He looked…he looked rough, to put it lightly.”

“Why hasn’t anyone said anything to me?” Kuroo slumped in his chair. “Why in the _hell_ am I _just_ hearing about this? A fucking month later?”

“Because you haven’t talked in a year!” Hinata exclaimed. “You haven’t been a part of his life, so why would they spring something like that on you?”

Kuroo couldn’t argue with Hinata on that statement. “You’re right.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “What a fucking mess.”

They sat in silence for a while, avoiding eye contact. Finally, Hinata spoke up. “Are you gonna go see him?”

“No.” Kuroo said immediately. “I don’t think that would help.”

“Why not?!”

“Because! It’s not as simple as you make it out to be, Hinata. You think that if I show up there and tell him that I love him, things will automatically get better? He has _always_ been like this. He has _always_ been this way, you know? Even when we were dating, he was depressed! He had never hurt himself, but who knows what battles were going on inside his head! Now he’s _worse_.” Kuroo thought of something more to defend himself with. “He’s seeing a counselor, right? That means that he’s getting help. There’s nothing I can do to fix him.” He raised his eyebrows and shook his head slowly. “Love doesn’t fix things.”

Hinata’s eyes started to water. “Well no, but what could happen? Worst case scenario, what could happen if you see him again? Are you scared that he’ll reject you? Are you still worried that he doesn’t love you?”

Kuroo leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Worst case scenario?” he repeated. “Kenma doesn’t get better. My being there has no impact on him, and I watch him rot away to nothing.”

“But there’s that _chance_ that he will get better! If splitting with you made him worse, then getting you back will make him better, I just know it!” Hinata was yelling now, gaining irritated looks from other customers. “This is so selfish of you!”

“You know what?” Kuroo slammed his hand on the table. “It is. Not wanting to see the person I love fade away when I could be there by their side is extremely selfish. But I have someone else right now, someone else that I need to devote myself to and take care of.”

Hinata was crying now, his face red with frustration. “Is this some sort of pay back?” he questioned seriously. “Kenma hurt you, and that’s why you’re refusing to help him?”

“That’s _enough_.” Kageyama voice cut through the air as he slammed his own hand down. “ _Both_ of you. This is annoying. Hinata, Kenma is in a state right now where _he_ is the only one who can help _himself_. His counselor is there to guide him on his path to recovery. It’s not selfish of Kuroo to keep his nose out of it. If I were in the same place as him, I would make the same choices he’s making.”

Hinata turned to Kageyama, disgust on his face. “You’d let me keep hurting myself?” The tears came harder. “You would risk the chance of me _killing myself_ so that _you_ wouldn’t have to be there to watch me die?”

“No, idiot. I would stay out of it in hopes that you would want to get better for _yourself._ If Kuroo and Kenma got back together, Kenma would only get better in order to please Kuroo. What kind of life is that? Living only to please the person you love? Living for someone else isn’t living at all. Do you understand that?”

Hinata was quiet for a moment. “What if he dies thinking that Kuroo never loved him? What if he dies thinking that he was all alone when he actually had someone there who cared deeply about him?!”

“Then…that’s the life he’s choosing. Do you think it fair for Kuroo to have that on his shoulders? For Kuroo to think that Kenma’s life is literally in the palm of his hands? That Kenma’s existence revolves solely on his own? It’s not fair, Hinata. I know you know that.”

Kuroo sat silently the whole time, processing what they were saying. “It’s a catch 22.” He said quietly. “I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”

“If you’re damned either way, then isn’t it best to pick the better of the two?” Hinata wiped his face. “What if he _does_ get better after seeing you? It’s not like you two need to jump into a relationship right away. He doesn’t need that anyways. He needs a friend that knows him inside _and_ out…er, gross, I didn’t mean it like that.” He blushed. “I mean, he needs someone who really knows him and understands him and won’t judge him! That’s how you became friends in the first place, right? Because you didn’t treat him like all the others did?”

Kuroo rubbed his eyes until he saw spots. He knew Hinata was right. But he also knew that he himself was right. “This is all so _fucked._ ” He mumbled again. “I…I don’t know what to do.”

Hinata reached forward and pulled a hand away from Kuroo’s face. “If you’re still too thick skulled, why don’t you call Natsumi back? I’m sure she’ll be able to convince you.”

Kuroo hesitated, considering all of his options.

Option 1: Ignore the situation. Go on living life with Bokuto. If Kenma gets better, good for him. But if Kenma doesn’t get better, well…

Option 2: Acknowledge the situation. Talk to Kenma again. A: Get harshly rejected. B: Become friends with Kenma but still fail contribute anything to his health. C: Become friends with Kenma and possibly, hopefully, be able to help him with recovery.

It was so clear. Obviously he wasn’t going to let anything happen to Kenma from here on out. He _had_ to make contact with him again. He _had_ to make sure that the love of his life was going to be okay.

But first, he needed to speak to his love’s mother.

 

* * *

 

 

The hug he got from Natsumi a few hours later was bone crushing. Kuroo literally felt every one of his vertebrae pop when his second mother squeezed him tightly.

“It is _so_ good to see you again, Tetsurou!” she exclaimed, ushering him to have a seat. They decided to meet at a small café, which offered them much more privacy than the Kozume household had to offer. “How is everything? How is college?”

Kuroo shrugged his shoulders. “I decided not to go.” He said simply.

Her jaw dropped. “Whaaat? What about all of those prep courses you took in your third year? What made you change your mind?”

“I just needed some time off. I’m working full time now, so I’m saving up a good chunk of change.”

“Ohh…I see.” She nodded, sipping from her glass of water. They were silent for a moment before she added “I suppose we could get to what we both came here to talk about.”

“Yeah.” Kuroo hesitated. “Look…I’m in a bind. I spoke with Hinata earlier today. He told me…about Kenma. And his hospitalization.” Guilt washed over him as he broke eye contact. “Listen, if I would have heard at the time what had happened I would have been there in a heartbeat-“

“That’s why we didn’t tell you.” She interrupted, wiping her mouth on a small napkin. “Masao and I didn’t want to call you after all this time only to bare you with bad news. You see…we’re in a bit of a bind ourselves. The reason I called you the other day was because I thought that maybe you could talk to Kenma again. His therapist is making progress, but I personally don’t think it’s fast enough. She actually _wants_ you two to make contact, but she wants him to contact you on his own because it will be good for his ‘development’ or whatever, and that’s one of the steps he needs to take-learning to ask for help. Even so, she’s worried that if you two do become friends again, it will be extremely co-dependant, which isn’t healthy either. We all want what’s best for Kenma…but none of us know exactly what that is.”

Kuroo swished the ice in his glass. “The only one who knows what’s best for Kenma is Kenma. But even if he does know what’s best, that doesn’t mean he’ll do it.”

“He’s hard headed.” She forced a small laugh. “Just like his father. Except, I know how to read Masao. I used to be able to read Kenma as well, but now…God, it’s so frustrating!” her eyes began to water and she looked up towards the ceiling. “I only have one son in this whole world and I can’t protect him anymore.”

Kuroo felt a pang of sadness in his chest and he reached across to the table to rest his hand on hers. “We’ll figure it out.” he said lightly. “We’re going to figure it out, alright?”

She nodded and wiped away at a tear. “I just…I want to know what happened. When he broke up with you. That’s when I noticed the changes.”

Kuroo frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well…” she blew her nose into her napkin, “What did he tell you when you broke up?”

Kuroo sat back in his chair. “He told me he didn’t want to be with me. That he…had other friends now, and he didn’t need me anymore.”

“That’s what I mean!” she exclaimed. “He doesn’t think that! I know he doesn’t. Tetsu, he was always a sad boy, but you made him so much less sad. He loved you, and I believe that he still does. So I think something else happened.” She leaned in a bit closer, lowering her voice. “He was attacked, you remember that, right? Before he broke up with you?”

A vivid image of a bruised and beaten Kenma filled his mind. “Of course I remember. I’d never been angrier in my entire life.”

“Right. See, you two had plans to live together. You two had everything figured out, and then he’s attacked, and then he no longer wants to follow through with those plans.”

“You think this was intentional? Not just a random mugging? But…who would want to do that? Who would want to hurt Kenma?”

“That’s what I don’t understand.” She sighed. “He’s so quiet. So observant. I can’t see anyone wanting to go out of their way to hurt him. Why would _anybody_ want to hurt him?”

“I…don’t know.” Kuroo admitted.

She nodded. “That’s what I thought…but…then I thought…who else knew about your relationship?”

Kuroo frowned. “You think someone attacked him because he’s gay?”

“Well, maybe? Some people around here aren’t very accepting about that stuff, you know? So I thought maybe someone attacked him and he felt so shameful that he needed to break up with you, maybe as a way to protect himself _and_ you. He never used to tell us who bullied him in school, but we found out because-“

“I kicked their asses.” Kuroo finished for her. “I’ve always had his back and defended him. Just like he always had mine.” He rubbed his eyes hard again.

“I can’t think of any other logical explanation.” She stated. “Someone had to have threatened him.”

“But anybody who knew about us were friends with us!” he threw his hands up. “We were discreet, Natsumi. Kenma hated public displays of affection, and the only reason some of our friends knew was because I never tried to hide it in front of them.” He racked his brain. “Well, them and…” his heart stopped momentarily.

His parents. Of fucking course, _his parents._ More specifically, his father.

Kuroo caught Natsumi’s eye. It was time to tell her about his past.

“Natsumi…I think I know who did it.” He started off. “But I need to do some explaining first.”

She nodded vigorously. “Go on!”

Kuroo took a deep breath. “Look, my parents were always very aggressive with me. I think you noticed the bruises here and there when I was younger, but I always kept them hidden or had very good lies for them.” He ignored the horrified look on her face. “We never told them about our relationship because my dad is extremely homophobic. I was always afraid he would kick me out, or worse, try to hurt Kenma. As I got older, that fear went away because I didn’t think he would ever find out. I figured, even if he did, he wouldn’t do anything about it. They expected me to go to university so that I could earn a higher income and be able to support both of them after graduating. So…when I told them that I was moving out and living with Kenma, my dad finally caught on to the fact that we were in a relationship. He went _ballistic._ I told him I would still be able to go to school and help out with their finances, but he was off the wall. I remember him saying “Homos don’t get good jobs.” I don’t know how in the hell I didn’t piece this together sooner…” Kuroo’s head was throbbing now, and Natsumi sat in silence.

“But…why would he hurt Kenma? And honestly, I can’t see Kenma breaking up with you because of that. If anything, he would have told you the truth!”

“Not if my dad planted harmful thoughts into Kenma’s mind…he’s an emotionally manipulative man. When I was able to fight back with my fists, he started to use words to hurt me instead. I just…I wonder what exactly he told Kenma?” he asked, thinking about what Hinata said. “Hinata mentioned that he said something about ‘being a burden.’ Which would be effective in trying to fuck with Kenma’s head. He’s so damn concerned with the way others think that he sometimes can’t see when they’re telling a straight lie.”

Tears streamed steadily down Natsumi’s face. “I’ll kill him. For what he has done to my two babies, I’ll kill him myself.”

Kuroo offered her a small smile. He was so thankful to have had her in his life. “With all due respect,” He handed her another napkin. “I’ll handle this. I won’t get any answers from my father, and I’d rather hear everything from Kenma before I talk to him. So…Natsumi, give me a few days? This might sound stupid, but I need a few days to figure out a correct way to approach Kenma and get the truth from him.”

Natsumi nodded. “I understand. You can’t exactly just hop into his life unexpected...but…what can you do, then?”

“I don’t know. I’m going to figure it out though. I’m going to make sure that Kenma gets better, and that if my dad _is_ the one who did this, he’s going to wish that he never laid a finger on my boyfriend.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So Kuroo's going to do it! He's gonna get his babe back! But will there be consequences? The next update won't be for another two weeks or so, depending on how much free time I have with this summer class. But it would be really cool if you left a comment and told me what you thought, what your predictions are, or how fucking excited you are for the remake of FFVII!!!! :)


	5. Extra.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sooo I came to the decision that there are a lot of memories that I wanted to write about that aren't exactly significant to the plot, but they are good for character development...and they give me the opportunity to write more smut without fucking up the plot. I won't always do this, buuuuut every once in a while it might be nice to read about some good things in their past since their present is so dark. If this seems stupid and you don't really like it, let me know and I'll keep it out of here XD

** Two and a Half Years Earlier **

 

Kuroo leaned back against the counter in Kenma’s kitchen, his fingers drumming silently against his thighs. “Are you sure you don’t want to go out for dinner or something?” he asked, a small frown on his face. “I figured we could do something different to commemorate this special day.”

“It’s nothing special.” Kenma grumbled, picking at a hangnail.

“Yeah, okay.” Kuroo scoffed. “Two years together is ‘nothing special.’”

“You know what I mean.” Kenma folded his arms and turned his head away. “I just don’t believe in stuff like that. I’d rather stay in.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t _want_ to go out. He truly did enjoy going on dates and seeing movies together. However, he was afraid that people would see them and start to talk. It would be easy if Kuroo kept his hands to himself, but Kenma knew that wouldn’t happen- especially on this particular night.

“I know.” Kuroo sighed. “I just thought it would be nice to go out.” he glanced down towards the floor. “Can we at least…have a good night? We have your house to ourselves. This won’t happen for a long time, you know.”

Kenma’s face burned and his heart beat wildly in his chest. Even though he knew what Kuroo was implying they do, he still asked, “What difference does that make?”

Kuroo was growing a bit irritated. He didn’t understand why Kenma was being so difficult- more so than usual. “Well, I mean, I was _hoping_ to strip you down and fuck you senseless, but apparently that’s out of the question?”

 _He’s so damn blunt._ Kenma thought to himself. “It’s not…that I don’t want to have sex.” He said slowly.

Kuroo raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders. “Then what is it, babe?”

“I don’t know how or what to do.” he sighed. “What if I’m terrible at it?”

“I’ve never done this before either, you know!” Kuroo exclaimed, taking a few steps towards his boyfriend. “I’m just as much a virgin as you! Besides, that is a _good_ thing. We won’t have any previous experiences to compare this one to.” He smiled and pulled Kenma towards him, clasping their hands together.

Kenma continued to avoid Kuroo’s eye. “What if I’m scared?” he admitted quietly. “What if I’m scared that it’s going to hurt and that it will change the things are between you and me?”

“Sex isn’t scary.” Kuroo said quietly. He rested his chin on top of Kenma’s head and wrapped his arms around his neck. “Especially not with me. You think I would want to do this if I thought that it would hurt you?” he ran a hand through Kenma’s hair, pressing the younger boys head closer to his chest. “It’s supposed to feel good and be enjoyable for _both_ of us. And whether we do it or not, nothing will change. Nothing we do will ever change the way I treat you and the way I feel about you. So stop worrying.”

But Kenma’s anxious mind couldn’t help but worry. Worry that he wouldn’t be able to keep Kuroo if they didn’t sleep together, and worried that Kuroo would feel differently about him if they did. Even though Kuroo wasn’t sex obsessed, he would get bored of him eventually. Kenma knew he needed to make sure he didn’t lose him.

The shorter boy wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s waist and looked up at him, coming to his decision. “You promise to go easy on me?”

Kuroo grinned and kissed Kenma on the forehead. “With every ounce of being that I have.”

Kenma gave a small nod and stood on his tiptoes to press his lips against Kuroo’s.

Kuroo wrapped his hands around the back of Kenma’s thighs and hoisted him up, his legs wrapping tightly around Kuroo’s slim waist. They held each other tightly and walked to the bedroom.

He then lay Kenma gently on the bed, hovering above him. “You’re entirely sure you wanna do this?” Kuroo asked, caressing Kenma’s cheek.

Kenma rolled his eyes. “If you ask me again I swear I’ll back down.”

Kuroo pulled one of his signature grins. “Alright, alright.” He leaned over and grabbed his knapsack from the floor and dug through it, revealing a small bottle and a package of condoms. “I came prepared.” He winked, setting them on the night stand. He then stripped his shirt off and straddled Kenma’s hips, bringing his lips back down to the younger boy’s.

Kenma could easily feel Kuroo’s hardness against his leg, and his nerves began to quake. The warmth of Kuroo’s hand begin to ghost up underneath his shirt, letting a thumb trace gently over one of his nipples.

“Don’t do that.” Kenma scolded, turning his head away to break the kiss.

Kuroo pulled back. “Do what? Touch your nipples?” he teased, pinching one lightly.

“Yes!” Kenma grabbed Kuroo’s wrist through his shirt. “You know I hate that. It feels…weird.”

“Alright.” Kuroo said simply. “Can you sit up so I can take your shirt off?”

Kenma laid still and said nothing, which only caused Kuroo to grin and smash their lips back together. “You want to play _that_ , then?” he breathed between kisses, running his hands up the back of Kenma’s shirt. He was then able to pull the back of the shirt up and over Kenma’s head and discard it onto the floor.

Kuroo then unbuckled his jeans and pulled them down with his boxers, sliding one leg out at a time. When he was naked, he worked on Kenma’s jeans, sliding them down slowly as Kenma wigged his hips and lifted his legs.

When they were both stripped completely, Kuroo sat back on his knees, looking over Kenma’s body.

“What are you doing?” Kenma asked, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Just taking in the scenery.” Kuroo replied, running his hands slowly up Kenma’s thighs.

Kenma could feel the blood rush to his dick as it became more aroused the closer Kuroo’s hands got. Kuroo leaned forward and took the hardening dick in his hand, giving the head a light suck.

Kenma flopped back and covered his face with his hands, completely mortified. Kuroo had given him blowjobs before, but never this…intimately. It was always quickly when they were in the showers, or in the darkness of the bedroom when they had sleepovers. But this time…it was more passionate. Maybe it was because Kenma knew what was next, or because he was completely naked and vulnerable underneath the person he loved most in the world.

Kuroo took the rest of Kenma’s length in his mouth, one hand massaging his balls and the other pinning Kenma’s hip down. He moved his hand further down, letting his thumb trace lightly over Kenma’s hole.

Kenma clenched immediately, and Kuroo glanced up at him, letting his dick slide out of his mouth. He then crawled back up and kissed Kenma on the forehead.

“If you want to stop at any time, you let me know. Don’t wait until we’re done to tell me that you decided you weren’t ready but didn’t want to say anything.” Kuroo said, brushing Kenma’s bangs back.

Kenma nodded and reached over and grabbed the bottle of lube. “Just…go slow.” He said, handing it to him.

Kuroo took it and cracked open the lid, drizzling a little bit onto the tips of his fingers. He dropped it onto the bed and moved one leg between Kenma’s to give him better access, letting his fingers go back to Kenma’s hole.

Kenma did his best not to tense up, but he still flinched when Kuroo squeezed past his butt cheeks and one finger prodded at his hole.

“Lift your legs.” Kuroo whispered into Kenma’s ear, moving over so that he was kneeling beside him instead of over him. “And spread your knees a little bit, yeah?”

Kenma sighed and did as he was told. Kuroo immediately rubbed at Kenma’s tight hole, trying to loosen it up as best as he could before forcing a finger inside.

Kenma’s mind was racing as Kuroo wiggled a finger inside of him. The pain wasn’t too terrible, but the pressure was very…unique. It was weird. He wanted to tell Kuroo to stop, his insecurities and fears taking over. But he also wanted him to keep going.

“I know it hurts…” Kuroo nibbled at Kenma’s ear. “So just tell me if you can’t bare it anymore, okay?”

Kenma let out a deep breath and relaxed his muscles, giving a light nod.

Kuroo continued to finger him slowly, twirling his finger in small circles to open the hole a little more. He then pushed his finger deeper inside, and Kenma gasped, his hands grasping the blanket beneath him.

Kuroo brought his lips to Kenma’s, his tongue sliding its way into his mouth. Kenma reacted to that and relaxed a bit as he clashed his own tongue against Kuroo’s.

“I’m gonna put another finger in, okay?” Kuroo whispered. Kenma nodded and braced himself as another finger began to push its way through his hole.

He didn’t tense up as much this time, but it still hurt. A lot. He began to panic, knowing that Kuroo’s dick was much, _much,_ larger than two of his fingers. He tried to block out that panic, but it caused him to grow anxious, and he turned his head away from Kuroo.

“I can’t.” he said, reaching down to pull Kuroo’s fingers out. “I can’t do this, Kuroo.”

“You can’t do it or you don’t want to?” Kuroo asked, pushing his fingers deeper inside.

Kenma bucked his hips slightly, which only forced them farther. “I _can’t.”_ he said, tears stinging his eyes. “It doesn’t feel right, it feels weird. It feels like you’re slowly tearing me open and I just _can’t.”_

“I’m shoving my fingers up your ass, of course it’s gonna feel weird.” Kuroo mumbled. “And this is your first time, so it’s bound to hurt a little. You know that. Would you rather top me?”

“Top _you_?” Kenma asked, confused. Whenever he thought about sex with Kuroo, he was always the bottom. Maybe it was their size difference, or Kuroo’s natural leadership abilities.

“Yeah.” Kuroo said, twirling his fingers again. “I’ve done this to myself a few times so…you can top while I bottom.”

“You’ve done this to yourself? Why?” Kenma frowned. “How come you never said anything?”

“Uhh…well, it _does_ feel good. Once you…hit the right spot.” He whispered those last words against Kenma’s neck, and his fingers grazed over Kenma’s prostate, causing him cry out and cling to Kuroo.

“Okay. Just…stop talking. This is embarrassing.” He held Kuroo’s face in his hands as he kissed the older boy, whose fingers were swirling around inside of him, purposely avoiding that special spot.

Kuroo drizzled more lube onto Kenma’s hole, enabling him to slowly push in a third finger. Kenma let out a deep breath and caught Kuroo’s eye. “Okay?” he asked, scissoring inside of his boyfriend.

“Yeah.” Kenma breathed, closing his eyes. “Am I ready?”

“Tch.” Kuroo shook his head. “I’m not sure that you should be asking _me_ that. I don’t want to say you are and have it be too soon.” He twirled his fingers around, causing Kenma to shiver. “What do you think? We can try it?”

Kenma opened his eyes, staring deeply into Kuroo’s own dark brown ones. They held their gaze for a few moments before Kenma traced a thumb over Kuroo’s cheek. “Just…go slow.” He repeated.

Kuroo slowly pulled his fingers out, causing the younger boy to gasp at the emptiness. Kuroo wasted no time in unwrapping a condom and coating it with a decent amount of lube while Kenma watched with nervous eyes. He hadn’t realized how hard Kuroo was, and hadn’t realized how _big_ he was. Yes, he had sucked Kuroo’s dick before, so he knew it was big, but it never seemed as big as it did in this moment.

Kuroo positioned himself on top of Kenma, who wrapped his legs loosely around the older boy’s hips. “Before I do anything…I just want to make sure you know how much I love you.” Kuroo said sincerely, drawing closer to Kenma’s face. “And I want you to know that there is nobody else in this world that I would rather be with. There never will be anybody else. Just you.”

Kenma blushed and ran his fingers through Kuroo’s hair, clasping his hands behind the older boy’s neck. “Stop being such a sap.” He mumbled. “You’re making me go soft.”

Kuroo breathed out a laugh and rested his forehead against Kenma’s. “Well, we can’t have that, can we?” he whispered seductively, pressing his lips to Kenma’s. As that happened, Kenma felt the head of Kuroo’s dick prod into his hole.

It was _very_ different than Kuroo’s fingers. It stretched him out even more, causing him to scrunch his face in pain and crush Kuroo harder against his lips.

Even though Kuroo was going slowly, Kenma let out small whimpers of pain.

“This hurts a lot.” Kenma admitted, tears starting to stream from his eyes. “I changed my mind.”

Kuroo nodded. They had tried, and that was all that mattered. He wiped away one of the tears that had streamed down the side of Kenma’s face. “We can try again another-“

“No, dumbass.” Kenma squeezed his knees tightly against Kuroo’s sides to prevent him from pulling out. “I meant I changed my mind about going slow. You’re dragging out all the pain, just…shove it in.”

Kuroo couldn’t help but chuckle. To hear something like that come out of Kenma’s mouth was truly rare. With a swift and steady thrust, he went balls deep into Kenma, who threw his head back and jerked Kuroo’s hair roughly.

“Sorry, sorry.” Kuroo apologized, delivering quick kisses to Kenma’s cheeks and neck. “Are you okay?”

Kenma’s body was totally tense, but with a few deep breaths, he was able to relax again. “Yeah. Keep going.”

Kuroo smirked and began to lightly thrust into Kenma.

Kenma hated it at first. It was painful and made him feel weird. But when he thought about what Kuroo said- that he never wanted anyone else- it made him feel alright again. Kuroo had a way with words that made Kenma’s face burn, his brain draw a blank, and his heart melt, all at the same time.

And when Kuroo hit his prostate, he knew that this was how it was supposed to be.

Kenma gasped in pleasure, his legs tightening around Kuroo’s waist as the older boy grinned and thrust harder, smashing into that same spot. He hit it twice more before grabbing onto Kenma’s dick and giving it a few jerks before Kenma’s came all over his stomach. With a few more thrusts, Kuroo was able to come as well, and he collapsed onto his boyfriend, ragged breaths escaping his lungs.

They lay like that for a while; Kuroo’s head on Kenma’s chest as the younger boy twirled his coarse black hair between his fingers.

“Let’s clean up.” Kuroo said, slowly pulling out. Kenma turned on his side, ignoring the older boy. “Nuh-uh, you don’t get to sleep yet.” He laughed, scooping his boyfriend up in his arms.

Kuroo sat on the edge of the bathtub with Kenma nestled in his lap as they waited for the water to warm up.

“Feel this, is it warm enough?” Kuroo asked, leaning closer to the faucet.

Kenma reached towards the stream, jerking his hand back immediately. “That’s freezing!” he exclaimed, burrowing back into Kuroo’s warmth.

“Ugh. You’re killing me.” Kuroo grumbled, cranking up the hot water. “How about now?”

Kenma reached over again, this time letting the water run over his entire hand. “Mmhm. That’s perfect.”

Kuroo pulled the metal switch so that water began to spray from the showerhead. He then swung his legs over the ledge of the bathtub and stood inside, closing the curtain behind them.

“Are you going to make me hold you this entire time?” he chuckled in Kenma’s ear. “We _both_ came, you know. I’m tired too.”

“Oh, I’m _so_ sorry. Kenma mocked, raising an eyebrow. “How about I shove my fist into _your_ ass and see how well _you_ can stand after that?”

Kuroo snorted a laugh. “Are you saying my dick is as big as your fist?”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Kenma grumbled, though a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

After a lot of awkward maneuvering (because Kenma continuously refused to let Kuroo set him down), they finally finished their shower and collapsed back onto Kenma’s bed, tossing the somewhat soiled blanket to the floor.

They both lay on their sides facing each other, staring deeply into one another’s eyes.

“Was that pretty bad?” Kuroo asked, resting his hand on the side of Kenma’s face.

“It could have gone better.” Kenma sighed. “But…it wasn’t awful.”

Kuroo grinned and pulled Kenma into his chest. “It gets easier.” He chuckled. “At least, I think it does. The more we do it.”

Kenma tangled his legs between Kuroo’s. “How often…are we going to do this, then?”

“Depends on how often _you_ want to.” He dragged his fingers lightly across Kenma’s arm. “I wouldn’t care if you hated it and never wanted to do it again. I can handle that. But I couldn’t handle losing you. Out of all the broken and shattered pieces of my life, you’re the only thing holding me together. I’ll do anything to keep you.”

“You’re such a sap.” Kenma murmured.

Kuroo shifted a bit and wrapped his hand around the back of Kenma’s head. “You keep saying that, but you’ve never once said it’s a bad thing.”

Kenma shrugged. “Because that would be a lie. If you weren’t sappy, you wouldn’t be who you are.” A smile formed on his face. “A dumb, sappy, idiot.”

Kuroo laughed and buried his face into Kenma’s hair. “I really do love you, you know?”

“I know.”

“Good.” He kissed the top of Kenma’s head. “Happy anniversary, babe.”

Kenma’s face flushed, and he wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s back. “Happy anniversary.”

Kuroo fell asleep long before Kenma did, which left the setter with his thoughts. He traced his thumb over Kuroo’s cheekbone, dragging it down his jaw and resting it on his chin. He kissed him lightly and then nuzzled back into his chest.

He could get used to it. The sex _and_ the sappiness. As long as it meant that they could be together, he would do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! You got to read about Kuroken's slightly shitty loss of virginity experience! I must say, I'm still growing accustomed to smut, so sorry if it's a little rough. Give me feedback or just leave a comment telling me what you think of including extra chapters :) The next full chapter should be uploaded in about two weeks!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry...this is taking a much darker turn than I originally intended. If you have problems with self-hatred, you've been warned.

**Kenma**

Kenma rolled over in his bed, kicking the blankets to the side.

He could already tell that today wasn’t going to be a good day. Not that any other days were necessarily good, but this one was going to be particularly bad. He had been torn from his slumber due to a terrible dream, and was now unable to get back to sleep. His muscles didn't want to cooperate, and he certainly did  _not_ want to leave his bed. 

He turned and squinted at his journal on the nightstand. _Guess I don’t really have anything better to do…_

He slowly inched his legs out of bed and grabbed the journal, settling it on top of his lap. He held his pen over a new page and…froze. What should he even write about, anyways? He has already written about all of his and Kuroo’s firsts- first date, first blowjob, first _time,_ and even their first fight (which, in reality, wasn’t _really_ bad enough to call a fight, but it was the closest thing to one that they had).

Kenma had written about how he felt _at the time_ that these things were happening, just like Coco had suggested. But now he was itching to write something a little different. He wanted to write how he was feeling right _now._

He pressed the pen to the fresh paper and began to write.

_I don’t really know how to do this, so I’m just going to put down whatever comes to my mind._

_Tetsurou Kuroo is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Yes, it’s cliché. Yes, it’s cheesy. But it’s true. Kuroo sees-well, **saw** things in me that nobody else did. Things that even **I** didn’t see. Even though it’s been a year since I’ve spoken to him, I still love him. I still want to be with him, and I don’t think that these types of feelings will ever go away. It’s a selfish thing to want…I **am** the one who broke up with him. But as much as I adore the thought of seeing him again, I can’t. I don’t think anyone else realizes how embarrassing it would be for him to see me after a year looking like…this. I'm disgustingly scrawny, scarred, and broken.There’s no way he would be able to love me again. But I don’t want him to. I have a lot of baggage now, and I don’t want him to feel like he has to carry it, and I **know** he will. If I see him again, he will put me ahead of himself, and everything that he has been working on during this past year will be thrown in the trash. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I watched him toss out his own happiness to try to help me with mine._

_Anyways, I do have a point to make._

_I love him. I don’t care if Coco is the only one who ever reads this before she throws in into an incinerator and moves on with her life._

_I love Tetsurou Kuroo. And I will continue to love him as long as I have the emotional capacity to do so._

Kenma stared down at his neat writing within the notebook. He couldn’t help but shake the feeling that maybe Coco _knew_ that he would eventually start writing about his current feelings, and she pretended to want him to write about his past in order to trick him into writing about the present.

 He shook his head and closed the journal. _Psychology is annoying._

The muffled sounds of his parent’s voices caught his attention. He hopped off of his bed and padded to the door, enabling to hear precisely what they were talking about. He faltered in the doorway, listening in on their conversation.

“I can’t believe you.” His father’s deep voice cut through the air. “You should have told me you visited him, Natsumi. We make these kinds decisions _together.”_

 _Visited who?_ Kenma asked himself. He shrank into his room, keeping his door open only enough to hear what they were saying.

“He can help Kenma!” his mother exclaimed. “You know he can! I don’t see why both you and Coco think it’s such a bad idea! Obviously Kenma won’t go to him on his own, so we need to take matters into _our_ hands! This is our _baby,_ Masao!”

“Tetsurou is the root of all of this!” Masao yelled. “Kenma wouldn’t be going through any of this shit if it weren’t for him! Not to mention, I told you the other night, this isn’t fair to ask of Tetsurou!”

 _They’re talking about Kuroo again..._ Kenma’s heart skipped a beat.

“Don’t be so dense.” Natsumi replied. “ _We_ are at fault here. Not either of these boys. _We_ should have recognized that their relationship was unhealthy from the beginning, and _we_ should have stopped it!”

There was a minute long pause before his father began to talk again. “What do you expect from Tetsurou? For him to show up and heal everything?”

“No.” she sniffed, and Kenma assumed that she had started to cry. “Kenma is wasting away. He doesn’t seem like anything’s wrong sometimes, but he’s _not_ getting better. I can see through him. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t play his video games anymore. He just _sleeps._ I don’t know what Tetsurou can do, but we need to do something. I’m so afraid…” she choked back a sob. “I’m afraid of what will happen. I don’t want to lose him, Masao.” She was obviously crying now, and Kenma couldn’t take it. He shut his door and pressed his forehead against it.

He had caused everybody so much trouble. As far as he could understand, his mother had made contact with Kuroo. _I wonder what he said?_ Kenma thought. _That he never wanted to see me again? That I’m a lost cause? That he doesn’t care about me anymore? No, he’s not like that. He would agree to see me. If he thought I was in trouble, he would come to me. That’s just the way he is. Well, the way he used to be, at least. He’s moved on now. He has no reason to come back and talk to me._

He turned back to his bed and curled under the sheets.

Everything was so fucked. And Kenma couldn’t do anything to fix it. He had tried to let Coco help him. He had tried to get better. But it just…didn’t work out.

And it never _would_ work out. He was never going to get better, no matter who helped him. He was a lost cause, a waste of time and resources.

He thought about Coco, and how her time with him could be spent on someone who actually had potential. He thought of his parents, who should have been blessed with a child that was worthy of their love. And of course, he thought of Kuroo, who was finally moving on with his life, only to be jerked back because of Kenma.

He wanted it all to stop. He wanted everybody else to live their lives without worrying about him. He wanted them all to be happy.

But as long as he was around, they would never find that happiness.

* * *

 

He was absolutely _dreading_ his appointment with Coco.

“So, how is everything going?” she asked with a warm smile. “You’re still writing, correct?”

Kenma shrugged and crossed his legs on the couch. “I’m trying.”

She nodded, letting an awkward silence fill the air. Kenma stared into his lap, picking at his cuticles.

“Did you get enough rest last night?” she asked, scribbling something on her notepad.

“Uhh…not really, I guess. Is it that obvious?” he tucked his hair behind his ear.

“You’re quiet today. I was just initiating a conversation.” She smiled politely.

He bite at his fingernail. “I had a dream.”

“About what?”

“Kuroo.” Kenma’s heart caught in his throat.

She waited patiently for him to elaborate. When he didn’t, she asked “What happened in this dream?”

“Well…” he readjusted in his seat. “Kuroo and I were climbing up these…bluffs. As expected, I started to fall behind, but he kept going. I tried to call out to him, tell him to slow down, but my voice just wouldn’t work. And then I tripped and started to fall. Kuroo turned around and saw me, so he slid down after me to try to save me. He reached out to grab me, but I was tumbling too fast. When I hit the edge of the bluff, I managed to grab onto this dry tree root sticking out. Kuroo ended up missing, and he fell off the edge of the bluff…I tried to catch him too, but I missed…” tears welled in his eyes. “I watched him fall and splatter on the ground.” He choked out, remembering the terrified look in Kuroo's eyes as he fell with his arms stretched towards Kenma. “I watched him die. And I did nothing about it.”

“Kenma, it was just a dream.” Coco confided. “Tetsurou is alive and well.”

“What is a psychologist’s interpretation on it, though?” he asked, panic in his voice. “If you were analyzing this dream, and you didn’t have to say something to make me feel better, what would you say?”

She hesitated. “You already know what I’m going to say.” She clasped her hands together. “That you felt like you were dragging him down. And he wasn’t about to leave you behind. But since he tried to help you, he ended up hurting himself.”

Kenma nodded. “That’s what I got from it. It just…it made me realize that I can _never_ see him again. I can’t…let him get close to me again. I know it’s what you and my mom want from me, but I _can’t.”_

“Why don’t you try changing the ending to this dream?” she suggested, attempting to change the mood in the room. “The next time you have the dream, you’ll know what’s going to happen. So you can change it. You can save him.”

Kenma pulled his knees to his chin. “I won’t be able to.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not strong enough.” He hissed, glaring at her. “I can’t even help myself!”

“It’s a dream, Kenma. You don’t have to be strong to help someone in a dream. _You_ have all the power and control. You just have to-“

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” He snapped, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. “I don’t want to have any more dreams. I don’t want to write in that _fucking_ notebook anymore.” He stood up from the couch and walked hastily to the door. “And I _definitely_ don’t want to see _you_ anymore.”

“Is this because your mother got a hold of Tetsurou?” she asked quickly before he opened the door. “Assuming that you know that she did.”

Kenma’s hand was shaky next to the door knob. “Why would you do this?” his voice cracked. “You said I was getting better. You said all I had to do was write about him, and everything would be okay.” He turned his head to look at her, a tear rolling down his cheek. “So why would you call him?”

“It wasn’t up to me.” she stated calmly. “I only know because your father already called me and asked why I would even suggest to your mother that it were a good idea. And I _stand by_ that idea. I believe that if you had Tetsurou back in your life, it would make everything a little easier. Your parents both agree that you were happier with Tetsurou, and you started going downhill after you and him broke up. I only wanted _you_ to be the one to approach him because I don’t think it fair for us to tell you who is and isn’t important in your life.” She motioned to the couch. “Will you sit down with me?”

Kenma wiped his face with his sleeve. He didn’t want to sit down. He wanted to go home. He wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up.

Despite what he wanted to do, he retreated from the door and took his spot once more on the couch. “Do you know what he said?” he asked. “Kuroo, I mean.”

She nodded. “He’ll probably drop in within these next few days. That will give you some time to prepare. Unless…you truly don’t want to see him. The best I can do with that, though, is to let your parents know. Otherwise, it’s out of my hands. I can help you deal with this situation, but I can't prevent it.”

“I don’t want to see him.” he stated firmly.

“You don’t want to, or don’t think you can handle it?”

He words cut deep into his heart. “A bit of both.” He replied honestly.

“Why is that? I know that you have your reasons for breaking up with him, but what harm will come of seeing him again?”

“Have you ever even been in love?” he scorned. “When you love someone as much as I love Kuroo, time has no meaning. If I see him again, it will feel like nothing has changed, even after a whole year. I’ll expect him to love me back. But he’s not going to. He's moved on, and he has someone else now. And that’s okay, that’s what I wanted. I wanted him to be happy, and now he is. I’m alright with the reality of it, but I don’t want to actually _see_ it. So there.” He shrugged his shoulders loosely. “I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to see it.”

Coco was frowning. “How do you know he’s in a new relationship?”

“I went back to my hometown a few weeks ago. Before I started seeing you.” He smiled slightly, remembering. “It was just by chance that I saw him. I was only going to one place, a game store that I was sentimentally missing, and I somehow ended up walking behind him in the street. He was with one of our old friends, Bokuto. They were holding hands and laughing, and they just looked…so happy.” He slumped back against the couch. “Why would I want to see _that_ again?”

“So he’s dating another man, now?” she leaned forward over her desk. “I thought you broke up with him because of what his father thought about homosexuality?”

“I know…” he said gloomily. “My plan was counter-productive. I guess I kind of thought that maybe he would give up on men after we broke up and find a woman.” He crossed his legs. “It doesn’t matter anyways. Even if Kuroo’s father _did_ find out about them, Bokuto would be able to defend himself, unlike me. So, in a way, I’m really happy that they’re together. Bokuto’s a good guy. I bet…I bet he treats Kuroo much better than I ever did.”

“Why haven’t you mentioned Bokuto before?” Coco asked.

Kenma bit the inside of his cheek until he could taste blood. Finally, he answered. “Because I didn’t want to think about it. It hurts too much.”

She nodded. “That’s understandable. However…if you don’t want to talk to Tetsurou, I think _you_ should be the one to tell your parents. Communicating with them is key, you know? If you tell them that you honestly don’t want to talk to Tetsurou, then I’m sure they’ll respect that. Even though I still think that you should give it a go, I won’t recommend it anymore, given what you just told me. If they aren’t understanding, you can have them call me, and I’ll talk to them as well.”

Kenma sighed in relief. “Thank you. It’s a weight off of my shoulders knowing that I won’t have a surprise visit from him.”

“Of course.” She scribbled something in her notepad. “Your parents said that you’ve been a little bit more social lately.” She said, changing the subject. “That’s progress.”

“I didn’t want them to think that I was getting worse.” Kenma admitted. “Though…my mom knows that I am.”

“Why do you think she thinks you’re getting worse?”

“She said something about me not eating, and that I sleep all the time. But I don’t notice anything different than how I normally am.”

“So you don’t think you’re getting worse?”

Kenma shook his head. “Not worse, nor better. Just…in a stand still.”

She nodded and clicked her tongue a few times. “What about your self-harming?” she asked, concern spreading over her face. “We haven’t really talked much about that recently.”

Kenma stayed silent, studying the stitching on his sweatshirt sleeve.

“Can you talk about it with me?” she questioned, softly. “I’m not here to scold you, Kenma.”

“I know.” He grumbled. “I just don’t want to talk about it with people. It’s weird.”

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I know.” He said again. His mother’s face popped into his head, sending a pang of guilt through his gut. He needed to get better for her, right? “Are you going to ask me _why_ I do it?” he asked, twiddling his thumbs.

“If you actually know why, I’d like to hear it. Otherwise I have my own presumptions.”

He nodded, and his stomach flopped nervously. “Is it too broad to say that I do it because I hate myself?”

“Of course not. Though, I’d like you to elaborate and tell me what it is about yourself that you hate.”

They had never talked about stuff like this before. When Kenma first started seeing Coco, she always asked him questions that related to his favorite video games and what his family did at their reunions. She had always asked about the things going on in the exterior portion of his life. Now they were beginning to go more in depth into what was going on in the interior- or rather, his head. He supposed that was her job, though. She had to get him to trust her before he would tell her anything private.

And he did. He trusted Coco. She had been seeing him for over a month now, and she knew a lot about him. She reminded him a lot of Kuroo- trustworthy, kind, non-judgmental, and caring.

It made his heart sick.

He knew he needed to open up to her a little bit more in order to help him. “How much more time do we have?” he asked, glancing nervously at the clock. “I don’t want to hold you up-“

“We have time, Kenma. Don’t worry about that.”

He nodded. “Alright, well, I guess…there’s a lot to hate about myself. I don’t think I ever actually liked who I was. There’s nothing remarkable about me.” he cleared his throat. “I’m just so…plain. Isn’t that pitiful?” he scoffed. “Everybody believes themselves to be average, so why do I have to be so shameful and feel the need to hurt myself because of it?”

“You’re right.” She cocked her head slightly. “A lot of people don’t believe themselves to be attractive. But everybody deals with these insecurities differently.”

“It’s not just my looks.” He said hastily. “It’s not like I want to _die_ because I’m ugly, I want to die because of the way I am about everything else. I hate that I’m bad at talking to people. And that I pushed all of my friends out of my life. I hate that you all think that I am the way I am because I don’t have Kuroo…” his eyes began to water. “But I hate even more that you’re right. And I hate that I’m not strong enough to be with the person I love. I hate that I tucked my tail and ran instead of talking to Kuroo about everything.” He wiped his face with his sleeves. “I hate that I’m weak and there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

“You know, Kenma, you’re so perceptive that it makes my job exceptionally difficult.” She handed him a box of tissues. “I swear that you’ve read all of my notes.” She offered a small smile. “You’re right. I believe that your relationship with Kuroo was and still is extremely co-dependant. And I believe that if you would have stayed with him, you wouldn’t be in this state.” She propped her elbows up on the desk and rested her chin on her hands. “ _However,_ I also believe that something else may have happened, and you may have ended up in an even worse state. The future it unpredictable. But it’s never too late to fix things, Kenma. You still have the chance to communicate with Tetsurou. You still have the chance to get better. It’s not too late to do these things.”

Kenma blew his nose. “Well, that won’t happen. I won’t talk to him.”

She nodded. “I know that. So let’s just…start from the beginning, one step at a time. Let’s forget about Kuroo and focus on _you._ ” She pointed at him. “I want you to find another method that replaces your self-harming.”

“How do I do that?” he asked quietly.

“Well, find something you like to do. You like to draw, right?” she nodded at him. “How about, whenever you get an impulse to hurt yourself, you draw instead?”

Kenma frowned. “You mean like…draw on my thighs instead of cutting them?”

“Yes!” she grinned. “It’s proven to be very therapeutic. Use washable markers to draw designs or whatever have you. Then the next time you shower, they’ll be gone. No pain, no scars.” She dug in her desk drawer and pulled out a small box of markers.

“Seems a little dumb to me.” Kenma mumbled, taking the box.

“Try it once.” She responded. “If it doesn’t help, we can find something else. Okay?”

Ho nodded, tucking the box into the front of his sweatshirt pocket. “Are we done for today, then?”

“Unless you have anything else to add?”

He bowed his head slightly. “Well…I go back to work at the library tomorrow. Like you suggested I do.”

“That’s right!” she exclaimed, her face lighting up. “How are you feeling about that?”

He shrugged. “I’m a little nervous. I don’t know what to tell them. All the old ladies that work there will ask me questions, and I’m not sure what I should say.”

“Just tell them that you were ill, and now you’re better. They don’t need to know specifics.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I guess that’s it then.” He stood up from the couch. “Thank you.”

Coco also stood and bowed her head. “Talk to your parents. And don’t forget what I said if you have that dream again.”

“I won’t.” He agreed, and turned to leave her office.

 

* * *

 

 

“We’re so glad to have you back, Kenma-chan!” one of his elderly co-workers with a squat figure chided as he walked into the back office the next day. “We heard you were hospitalized, how are you feeling?”

“I’m better, thank you, Kita-san.” He responded quietly, setting his bag in the corner behind the door.

She kicked her own bag under the desk. “What happened? Nobody really told us much, they kept it on the hush hush!” she giggled. “Did you get the care package we sent you?”

Kenma thought about the candies that had been delivered to him while he was in the hospital and he forced a smile. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t thank you for them right away, I was-“

“Nonsense, nonsense!” she scolded, shooing him out of the room. “You look like you’ve been through the mill and back, you must have been awfully ill!”

Kenma flinched at her comment, but she didn’t notice. He _did_ look very sick- he was thin and pale, and his overgrown hair had long lost its luster.

They continued to walk down the hallway to the front desk while she rambled on about the going ons of the library-what kinds of new books they had shipped in, which books were going to be removed, and the new closing hours that had been enforced.

He wasn’t interested in what she was talking about, but he was thankful that she didn’t ask him anymore questions about his “illness.”

“Can you get started by putting these away for me?” she asked, pushing a cart stacked full of books towards him. “Are you feeling well enough to do it?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” He replied, pushing the cart towards the bookshelves in the back.

He sorted them alphabetically on the cart first, trying to tune out the noisy distractions that surrounded him; There was a mother reading to her child in the kids section, someone clicking their pen in between the shelves near him, an older man flipping back and forth between the pages in as newspaper, several people typing at the computers, and a teen age boy sitting in a chair with his feet up on the table in front of him, his music blasting loudly through his earphones.

All of these small noises were deafening in the quietness of the library. Kenma had gotten so used to silence now, since he never played music at home and rarely watched television. It made concentrating extremely difficult.

He sighed as he began shoving books in their rightful places on the shelves, squeezing closer to them as the pen-clicker crossed through the aisle.

“I’ve seen you before.” She stopped near him, her thumb freezing over the end of her pen.

Kenma hardly made eye contact with her before he continued putting books away, but it was enough for him to recognize who she was. She had vibrant purple hair that was shaved on one side, the rest pulled into a braid over her opposite shoulder. Kenma decided to act like he had never seen her before, though he knew he had seen her in the waiting room at the psychiatrist’s office. “I work here.” He stated monotonously. “I’m sure you’ve seen me here before then.”

She folded her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. “No, I’m pretty sure I saw you somewhere else.”

Kenma pushed his cart past her. “I’ve never seen you before.” He stated. “Sorry. Did you need help finding anything?” he changed the subject.

“Actually…”she began clicking her pen again. “Yeah. Do you have any books on meditation?”

Kenma nodded. “Sure. They should be in the self-help section.”

She stared blankly at him.

“Follow me, I’ll show you.” He forced a small smile and led her to the book shelves on the other side of the library. “The health section.” He said over his shoulder. “Are you looking for any book in particular?”

She shrugged. “Not really. Just something that will help me relax.” She clicked her pen again. “I have anxiety issues.”

Kenma nodded. “I can see that.” He glanced at her pen.

She blushed and slid it into her back pocket. “Sorry. I just _always_ need to fidget with something.”

“Understandable.” He stated, and pointed to the bottom shelf. “These are our meditation books. Though, there _are_ separate books that are strictly for dealing with anxiety.” He took a step closer to her and rested his fingertips on the spines of a few more books at eye level. “If you have panic attacks and such, you might want to look through these as well. Meditating won’t help you in a fight or flight moment like that.”

She smiled and looked over the books for a second before looking back to him. “Do you have panic attacks?”

He felt his ears get hot and his heart rate picked up. “No.”

“But you have anxiety.”

Kenma slid his eyes away from her, growing very uncomfortable. How could someone be so open about this kind of stuff? He wanted to tell her to screw off and mind her own business, but he held his tongue.

“Sorry, that’s rude of me to say.” She glanced at the floor. “It’s just that anyone going to see a therapist usually has some form of anxiety.”

“What are you-“ he began to say, but she cut him off.

“Sorry, sorry, that was even more rude!” she smacked herself on her forehead. “I’ve seen you at the therapist’s office before so I just assumed…I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s a private matter. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He responded quickly, just wanting to get out of the situation. “Let me know if you have any other questions.”

He began to walk past her when she asked, “What’s your name?”

He turned back around. “Kozume. Kenma.”

She smiled and bowed her head slightly. “Nice to meet you. My name is Ito Aimi.”

Kenma also bowed his head. “Nice to meet you, Ito-san.”

He turned and crossed back over to the opposite side of the library, returning to his cart of books.

He had no more interruptions while he put the rest of the books away, and when he got back to the desk, Kita had another cart ready for him.

The rest of his shift went by relatively quickly. He couldn’t help but wonder why Ito was seeing a therapist, aside from her obvious anxiety problem. Did she have depression? Did she self-harm? Had she attempted suicide before? His head was swimming with questions. The most important one was “Why do I care?” They only spoke for a few minutes, but there was something about her that drew him to her. It wasn’t sexual attraction, or any attraction whatsoever.

 _I’m just desperate for a friend._ He reminded himself. _I’ll probably never see her again. So stop worrying about it._

“Kenma, how would you feel about taking on the closing shifts?” Kita asked him as they both packed up to leave. “Us old ladies are usually in bed by eight, it’ll be hard for us to stay awake until ten pm.

Kenma nodded. “I’ll work whatever hours you want me to.”

She smiled widely and slung her bag over her shoulder while Kenma grabbed his own. “You’re such a treat. I’m so happy to have you back!”

The corners of Kenma’s mouth tugged up. Maybe coming back to work here was just what he needed to get better.

* * *

 

 

Unfortunately, when he got home, he was faced with his parents. He hadn’t had the nerve to talk to them about Kuroo the previous day, but today he was feeling better.

Since he had worked the morning shift, he was in time for supper, and so was his father.

“I need to talk to you about something.” He said, swishing his water around in its cup. They looked at him with open expressions, ready to hear whatever it was he needed to say. “I don’t want to talk to Kuroo.”

His father raised an eyebrow at Natsumi, who ignored him and focused on Kenma. “What do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean exactly what I said.” He replied calmly. “I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want him showing up here thinking that he has to fix me. I know you talked to him, mom. So if you have some plan where he’s going to show up and surprise me, cancel it.”

“He wants to see you, Kenma.” She said sternly. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Yes!” he snapped. “I don’t care if he wants to see me! _I_ don’t want to see _him!_ ”

“He can help you! You were so much happier when you were with him-“

“That was a long time ago.” He scowled, cutting her off. “A lot has changed for both of us, and trying to rekindle our relationship or whatever the hell you’re doing will only make things worse on both of us. Kuroo has his own life. He has a boyfriend. He’s happy. Please don’t drag him into my life and take that away from him.”

She was about to say something, but a nasty glare from Masao caused her to clamp her mouth shut.

“I know you want what’s best for me.” he added, his throat tightening. “And I understand why you may think that bringing us together will be beneficial. But you need to know…if you bring Kuroo into this and _take him away_ from his happiness, it will kill me.” Both of his parents flinched with those last words.

“We’re at a loss of what to do.” His mother choked out. “What else can we do to help you?”

Kenma shook his head. “Nothing. You don’t have to do anything. I’m…gonna be okay.” He said unconvincingly.

Natsumi sighed. “I’ll get ahold of Kuroo in the morning and tell him you don’t want to see him then.”

“Thank you.” He said, relieved.

“But,” she added, “That doesn’t mean he won’t try to see you on his own terms. Shoyo told him everything, Kenma. So he knows what’s going on. And he’s worried. It’s only a matter of time before he tries to see you."

 _Dammit, Shoyo._ He scolded. “Then don’t let him into the house, and don’t tell him my work schedule. It’s that easy.”

She nodded. “I’ll do my best then.”

They ate the rest of their dinner in relative silence, which Kenma was grateful for.

When they had all finished and he was excused, Kenma went up into his bedroom and gathered all of his supplies for a bath. He glanced at the markers that Coco had given him, but left them in his bedroom.

Markers would never be able to do what a blade could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, this is a very dark fic. I know at times it may seem a little confusing, but that's the way depression works- sometimes, the only reason you want to get better is for the people in your life. But you also think they don't care. You want to hurt yourself, but when you do, you feel even worse because you want to get better. It's a vicious cycle. So, Kenma DOES want to get better for his mother, but that doesn't make him hate/hurt himself any less.
> 
> I also don't know how you all feel about me bringing in my own characters...Ito is going to play a major part, and there were no characters that really fit the bill.
> 
> Anyways, if it's any stipulation, the next chapter won't be as dark as this one was. It will be focused on the tension within Kuroo and Bokuto's relationship. Also, there may or may not be smut, sooo...stay tuned? ;)


	7. Extra.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! So, this is another one of those 'flashback' chapters. I felt like because Kenma is taking a dark turn in his life, I needed to compensate and give ya'll a little fluffy smut chapter, back when they were both still together and very happy. I'm not sure if you like the idea of doing this, but it definitely gives their relationship more context, and helps you understand them more as the characters that I have developed them to be. Not to mention, this chapter is over 8k, soooo, I really hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> ALSO I made a tumblr blog (because I really want to hear more from ya'll!) so follow me!!   
> kuroken-for-the-win.tumblr.com

**A Year and A Half Earlier**

“If you don’t come with me, I’ll never tell you where your DS is.” Kuroo teased, a sly grin escaping from the corners of his mouth.

“Then I guess I’ll never see it again.” Kenma stated monotonously. “I’m not going to this stupid party with you, Kuro.”

“Come _oooonnnnn_.” Kuroo pleaded, shoving Kenma back on the bed, pinning him down. “It’s Yama’s _birthday_! He’ll be heartbroken if you don’t go.”

“Guilt trips don’t work on me.” Kenma stared deep into Kuroo’s eyes. “You know that.”

“Ugh!” Kuroo groaned, dropping all of his weight onto his boyfriend. “Just this once.” He rested his head on Kenma’s chest. “You don’t even have to drink if you don’t want to. I just want you to be there.”

“I won’t be any fun.” Kenma ran a hand through Kuroo’s untamed hair. “It will be uncomfortable for me, as well as everybody else there.”

Kuroo closed his eyes, taking in the gentleness of Kenma’s fingers against his scalp. “I promise not to leave your side the entire night. Things don’t get awkward when we’re together.” He nuzzled against Kenma. “Right?”

Kenma ignored him. “What difference does it make whether or not I go anyways?” he grumbled. “I don’t drink. I’m not looking to hook up with anyone. There’s no point in me going.”

Kuroo ran his finger along Kenma’s side. “What if someone tries to take advantage of me while I’m drunk?” he sat up and planted his hands next to Kenma’s shoulders, bowing his head. “I’m going to be the best looking one there, who’s gonna help spook away the creeps?”

“You’re an idiot.” Kenma slid his eyes to the side, his face blushing. “Nobody wants to sleep with someone who looks like he doesn’t own a comb.”

Kuroo’s hand flew to his chest. “You wound me!”

“It’s the truth.” Kenma began to wriggle, attempting to escape from underneath Kuroo.

Kuroo pushed him back down and brushed their lips together. “Then how come _you_ have no problem sleeping with me?”

Kenma huffed and turned his head away, squirming as Kuroo ran his hands up his shirt. He shivered and grabbed Kuroo’s wrists just as the older boy’s lips found his own.

It was an immediate reaction. Kenma opened his mouth and allowed Kuroo’s tongue to slide in, dragging across the roof of his mouth. He could feel his groin begin to ache, and he released Kuroo’s hands so that he could try to get away.

“Come to the party with me.” Kuroo whispered against Kenma’s lips. “And I’ll reward you with more than your DS.”

“What makes you think sex with you is rewarding?” Kenma challenged, a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth.

Kuroo chuckled against his neck. “Mmm, maybe the way you scream when I’m inside of you?” he kissed Kenma’s neck, giving it a light nip with his teeth. “Or maybe it’s the way your legs wrap so tightly around me so that my dick is completely engulfed-“

“I get it!” Kenma exclaimed, attempting to shove Kuroo away from him. “Just stop talking and I’ll go.”

Kuroo flopped to the side and slid off the bed, a grin on his face. “Alright. I’m gonna run home and shower and change then.”

Kenma sat up and looked down at his clothes. “Do _I_ have to shower and change?”

Kuroo brought his hand to his chin and studied Kenma’s appearance. He was wearing baggy blue jeans and an oversized Nekoma pullover. His hair was in slight disarray, but nothing a quick run through with a comb couldn’t fix. “Well…” Kuroo leaned over and sniffed the air around Kenma. “You smell just fine. You could probably lose the clothes, though.”

“What should I wear then?” Kenma frowned.

Kuroo stood back up and stretched his arms over his head, smirking. “Just go naked.”

Kenma rolled his eyes and hopped off the opposite side of the bed, making his way to his closet. “Do I have to dress up?” he asked, pushing through hangers of dress shirts. “Please don’t tell me I have to dress up.”

“You don’t have to dress up.” Kuroo replied simply, padding over to look through the closet. “Just wear something comfortable. I’m sure there will be quite a bit of people there, so it might get warm.” He reached around Kenma and pulled out a white polo. “Why don’t you wear this?”

Kenma looked at it, then looked back up at Kuroo.

“You’re right, you’re right.” He sighed, shoving it back into the closet. “You haven’t worn this since your mom bought it for you.”

Kenma crinkled his nose. “It’s kind of creepy that you know things like that.”

Kuroo leaned forward and rested his chin on Kenma’s head. “It’s not creepy.” He pouted. “I just know every little thing about you and your life.”

Kenma shook him off a clawed through the closet once more, revealing a black t-shirt. “I’ll wear this.” he said. “You should just run home and grab your clothes so we can shower together.”

“So you _want_ to shower now?” Kuroo teased, mussing up Kenma’s blonde hair. “You want to see me naked and vulnerable right before we go somewhere public?”

“Uhh…no.” Kenma swatted at Kuroo’s hand. “I want you to wash my hair to relax me before we go.”

“Oh.” Kuroo frowned, suddenly growing worried. He knew that Kenma had recently began to have issues with anxiety, but he still wasn’t completely sure how to help him with it. He had read up on the illness, but no two cases were alike, and Kenma himself was a mystery. “We don’t have to go if it really makes you that nervous.”

Kenma pushed past him and went to his dresser, rummaging through the bottom drawer. “I’m not _nervous.”_ He defended. “I just…need a minute to prepare before being around a bunch of people for a couple hours.”

Kuroo ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you.”

“Please.” Kenma scoffed, pulling out different pair of jeans. “I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.” He turned to face Kuroo, pulling his hoodie over his head. “Besides, if you’re drinking, I need to babysit you, right?”

Kuroo beamed. “You really do care about me!” he wrapped Kenma in his long arms and squeezed him tightly.

Kenma’s voice was muffled against Kuroo’s body. “No, if you get caught you’ll get kicked off the volleyball team.” He pulled away. “They would fall apart without you.”

“So you’re worried about me _and_ the entire team!” he grinned and reached out to grab Kenma again, but the younger boy evaded him quickly.

“Go get your clothes!” Kenma squealed as Kuroo grabbed at him again. “It might take hours to do your hair, so get a move on.”

Kuroo gasped, his hand flying up to his hair. “It will _not_ take hours to do my hair!” he objected. This time, he lunged at Kenma, and they both tumbled to the ground. He began to lightly squeeze at Kenma’s sides, targeting his most sensitive and ticklish place.

“Stop!” Kenma shrieked, trying to cover his ticklish spots. Kuroo’s hand reached down and he squeezed Kenma’s thigh, right above his knee. Kenma squirmed even more, unable to contain his laughter. “Kuro, _please!”_ he begged, tears beginning to roll down his face.

“Not until you tell me how beautiful my hair is.” Kuroo leered, digging his fingers into Kenma’s armpits.

The younger boy threw his head back and squeezed his arms shut. “Okay, _okay!”_ he gave in, and Kuroo sat back on his knees. “Tetsurou Kuroo, you have the most beautiful hair I have ever seen. Its wildness makes it unique, and it’s super easy to find you in a crowd when we get separated.”

Kuroo grinned. “You’re really too flattering.” He stood up, grabbing Kenma’s hand to help him to his feet.

“Well, you forced me into it. It’s not like I meant it.” He wiped his face on his sleeve.

Kuroo looked down at him and frowned. “I didn’t hurt you though, did I?” he rested his hand on the side of Kenma’s face, his thumb grazing lightly over his cheekbone. “You talk so big that I forget how little you are.”

“God.” He swatted Kuroo’s hand away. “I’m not that much smaller than you.”

“I’ve got seven inches and forty pounds on you.” Kuroo reminded him, making his way to the bedroom door.

Kenma tried to think of a response, but he gave up and rolled his eyes instead.

Kuroo shot him a wink and left through the door.

 

* * *

 

  

“You can’t wear that.” Kuroo told Kenma after they both had dressed.

Kenma looked down at himself, frowning. A small V in the neck of his black shirt revealed a bit of his skin. It was also slightly loose fitting, but not baggy. The jeans he had picked out were also tighter than what he normally wore, but not uncomfortably so. “Why not?” he asked.

“Well.” Kuroo circled him, checking out his behind. “ _I’m_ supposed to be the hottest one there. Not to mention, every single person there, girls _and_ guys, will be all over you, so _I_ won’t even get to spend time with you.”

Kenma slid his eyes to the side. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Kuroo grinned cunningly. “Good.” He tried running a comb through his hair, but it got stuck halfway through.

Kenma snorted a laugh at him as he tried to jerk it out. “Serves you right.”

“Kenmaaaaa.” Kuroo whined. “I can’t see it, help me out.”

“I think you should go with that sticking out of your hair. Make a statement or something.”

“ _Kenmaaaaaa.”_

“Ugh. Fine. Sit down.” He said, pushing Kuroo to the edge of the bed.

Kuroo grinned. “I like when you take control like this. It turns me on.” He pulled Kenma in between his legs and wrapped his arms around the younger boy’s waist.

“You’re an idiot.” Kenma mumbled, gently untangling the comb.

Kuroo chuckled lightly, but said nothing more as Kenma worked the comb from his hair.

“How did you manage to get it this badly knotted?” he asked, frustration edging in his voice. “It’s like your hair has a mind of its own sometimes.”

Kuroo nodded his head faintly. “I think I might just cut it all off.” He grumbled. “Would you still love me if I were bald?”

Kenma paused, picturing Kuroo with no hair. Then he shrugged “It wouldn’t matter to me either way. Bald or not, you’re still Kuro. That’s all I care about.”

Kuroo groaned. “Come on, don’t be sappy. There has to be at least _some_ part of you that cares about my appearance.”

“Not really.” Kenma breathed, finally pulling the comb free.

Kuroo tilted his head back and grabbed onto Kenma’s hips. “You _really_ don’t care about how I dress or wear my hair?”

Kenma rested his hands on Kuroo’s shoulders. “Is it that hard to believe?” he frowned. “Do _you_ care about how _I_ look?”

“That’s different. No matter what, you’re always cute.”

Kenma scrunched his face. “I literally only wear our school uniform and sweats nearly all the time.”

Kuroo shook his head. “True. But that doesn’t make you less cute. Because then, when you wear stuff like _this,”_ he tugged on the bottom of Kenma’s shirt, “you look even cuter.”

Kenma blushed and turned his head away. “Can we go yet?” he asked, taking a step back. “The quicker we get there, the quicker we leave.”

“And the quicker we can get back and have wild, Tetsu intoxicated sex.” Kuroo stood up with a wink.

“Don’t ever say those words again.” Kenma glared. “And by the way, if you get completely wasted, I won’t sleep with you.

“Really?” Kuroo put his hands on Kenma’s shoulders and guided him out the door. “First off, I probably won’t get _that_ drunk.” He said quietly as they stomped down the stairs. “Second of all, even if I do, I give you full permission to use my body in any way you please. And third-“

“You boys off for a date night?” Natsumi interrupted as they were about the leave through the front door.

Kenma blushed and Kuroo grinned. “It’s Yamamoto’s birthday, so we’re headed over to his house for a while. Shouldn’t be out too late!”

Natsumi smiled back and waved. “Well, have fun. Be safe.”

“We will!” Kuroo replied, shuffling Kenma through the front door.

As they walked down the sidewalk, Kuroo grazed his fingers against Kenma’s. He wanted so badly to grab onto that slender hand, but he knew Kenma’s boundaries. No PDA. “Anyways, third of all, if you decide you don’t want to sleep with me, make it apparent, you know? I mean, I’m not going to get disgustingly drunk where I can’t even hold myself up, but I might only have a one track mind, and I don’t want to force you into something.”

“I won’t change my mind.” Kenma replied immediately, without thought. His face flushed a deep red and he looked away. “If you’re sober enough, I mean.”

Kuroo tried to hide his smile, but he was unsuccessful. He bumped his shoulder against Kenma’s as they continued to walk. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” he hummed. “Two weeks?”

“Three and a half.” Kenma corrected him with a sigh. Three and a half weeks. Since they had first slept together, they had never gone more than a week without sex. But recently, due to Kuroo’s intense college prep courses and their volleyball practices, they never got to spend any alone time together. Kenma would never actually admit it, but he was…sex deprived.

“Hm.” Kuroo clicked his tongue. “I guess I just haven’t noticed.”

“I have.” Kenma grumbled.

“That’s new.” Kuroo raised his eyebrows, looking down as they walked. “If I would have known that you wanted me that badly, I would have put my school work aside for a little while.” He cast a small smirk towards Kenma.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Kenma twiddled his fingers.  “It’s just different. I’m not used to… _not_ doing those things with you, now.”

“Kenma’s _horny_?” Kuroo exclaimed loudly, which earned him a dark glare from Kenma.

“Shut up.” Kenma hissed. “That’s not what it is at all.”

Kuroo clapped his hands on his face, stifling his laughter. “It totally is!” he muffled through his fingers.

In one quick spin, Kenma turned around and started walking back towards his house, his face beet red.

Kuroo only had to extend a long arm out to grab onto Kenma’s bicep and pull him into his arms. “Kenmaaaaaa, I was kidding, I’m sorry.” He apologized.

Kenma tried to squirm out of Kuroo’s grasp, but it was a useless attempt.

“I know this stuff embarrasses you Kenma.” Kuroo said softly, loosening his grip. He ran his hand through the back of Kenma’s hair. “I just can’t help but get excited when I actually _hear_ you say that you like the affection that I give you.”

Kenma sighed. He knew that public displays of affection were a validating thing for couples, but they rarely spoke or acted intimately in public because he was too shy. This was exceptionally hard on Kuroo, who thrived off of the touch of his boyfriend.

Kuroo accepted that, though. He knew from the moment he fell for Kenma that it wasn’t going to be your average relationship. Even in their moments of intimacy, Kenma wasn’t vocal with how he was feeling.

Well, other than screams of pleasure, but…

“You’re thinking something disgusting.” Kenma stated, pinching Kuroo’s back.

Kuroo smiled and let his arms fall back down to his sides, and Kenma took a small step back. “I was just thinking that I wished you talked about your feelings more.”

Kenma groaned and rolled his eyes. “What’s there to talk about?” he asked.

Kuroo shrugged and turned to slowly start walking again. Kenma caught up with him and matched his stride. “I just wish you’d tell me how you were feeling more. You know…like…” he ran a hand through his hair, thinking hard.

“Do you want me to pat you on the back and tell you ‘good job’ after you suck me off?” Kenma asked, his ears burning.

Kuroo choked back a laugh. “That’s not what I meant, but you could do that if you want…”

“Well what do you mean then?” Kenma questioned. Despite seeming like a terrible boyfriend, Kenma was willing to do whatever it took to keep Kuroo around. Within reason, of course.

“Agh! I don’t know!” Kuroo threw his hands in the air, and let them slap back at his sides. “It’s hard to think of an example. But I guess…when we’re together, if ever you feel something, or if you like or appreciate something that I do, then…maybe if you just _said_ it…that would be…nice…” Kuroo finished weakly, his heart thrumming in his chest. He felt like a moron. Here he was, telling Kenma to vocalize what he wanted in their relationship, and _he_ couldn’t even do it himself.

They walked in silence for a block and a half before Kenma came up with a response. “I see.” He said simply, his voice quiet. “Do you…think that I don’t value you?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow. He felt like he might throw up. This is what he had always been afraid of. That Kuroo would feel like Kenma was ungrateful, and that he would want to leave him, and that-

“Nah, I know you love me.” Kuroo tore him from his pessimistic thoughts, a sly grin on his face. “It’s not that I feel underappreciated or anything of the sort. It’s just that…I want to make sure that you’re happy. Because I am.” He ran his shoulder into Kenma’s again. “I wanna make sure you’re as happy as I am.”

Kenma bowed his head so that his hair covered his face, which was burning crimson.

Kuroo reached over and lightly ruffled Kenma’s hair. “But I also don’t want to force you to talk about things if you don’t want to. I won’t be the naggy boyfriend. I just wanted to make sure…that you know. That it’s okay to talk to me about those things. It doesn’t bother me.” he draped his arm over Kenma’s shoulder and kissed him on the cheek. “Nothing you do could ever bother me.”

Kenma glanced around nervously, making sure that nobody saw them this close. He then looked back to Kuroo and kissed him swiftly on the lips. “Dually noted.” He mumbled shyly. “I can try to talk more about…my _feelings._ ”

“Atta boy!” Kuroo cheered, clapping Kenma on the back. His own face had reddened after Kenma’s surprise kiss, and his heart was now beating erratically.

As they walked, he kept glancing down at Kenma, who had pulled out his phone and preoccupied himself with a game.

 _How in the **hell** am I going to refrain from touching up on him while buzzing?_ He asked himself as he studied Kenma’s focused profile.

He sighed deeply. This was going to be a long night.

 

* * *

 

 

“KENMA CAME!” Yamamoto screeched at the sight of the Nekoma duo. “YAKU, YOU WERE RIGHT, KENMA CAME TOO!”

Kenma immediately regretted entering through the door, and if not for Kuroo’s inhuman arm span, he would have been able to fly back out the door.

Yaku appeared out of nowhere and threw an arm over Kenma’s shoulders. “I knew Kuroo would be able to drag you out here!” he laughed into Kenma’s ear.

There were a few people scattered about the living room, but none of them were familiar.

“I’ll go get drinks!” Yamamoto exclaimed, retreating through the living room.

Kenma shook Yaku off immediately and scrunched his nose in distaste. “Your breath reeks.” He informed the spiker.

Yaku covered his mouth and laughed. “Sorry! I just took a shot of vodka. Do you want one?!”

Kenma shook his head, but Kuroo answered for him. “He just came for moral support!” Kuroo wrapped his arm around Kenma’s shoulders, letting Kenma support his weight. “He’s my own personal babysitter!”

Yaku widened his eyes and looked towards Kenma. “Personal babysitter? Kenma, be my personal babysitter too!”

“Sorry, Yaku.” Kuroo shook his finger. “Find your own. Is Inuoka here? I’m sure he’d love to babysit you.”

Yaku’s face lit up. “Good idea! I’ll go find him!”

Kenma and Kuroo watched Yaku dive back through the living room, and Yamamoto returned, handing each of them a beer. Kenma took it, despite not wanting anything to do with it.

“Happy Birthday, man!” Kuroo yelled as he punched Yama gently on the shoulder with his free hand. “Who’s all here?”

Yama grinned and took a swig of his own beer. “Lessee.” He slurred. “Now that you two showed up, the whole team is here! And also…” he looked around the living room. “I invited that Tanaka from Karasuno. And he brought a few of his friends! Uhhmm…some of the girls volleyball players showed up…Oikawa _was_ here, but I haven’t seen him for a while…OH and Bokuto and Akashi are here!”

Kuroo grinned. “Did Tsukishima show up?”

“Uhhhh…”

“Tall blonde with glasses? Probably accompanied by a shorter dark haired guy?”

Yamamoto snapped his fingers. “I remember them. But they didn’t show up. Just Tanaka, Asahi, Daichi, Suga, and the two shorties.”

Kenma’s eyes lit up. “Shouyou is here?”

Yamamoto nodded vigorously. “He’s playing pong in the basement. Though…I think he’s doing shots of Coke instead of alcohol…”

“Where’s the basement?”

“Through the kitchen to your left.” Yamamoto pointed behind him.

Kenma looked quickly up to Kuroo before saying “Goodbye.” He shoved the beer into Kuroo’s hand and pushed through to the kitchen.

“Awww, does Kenma have a little crush on Hinata?” Yama asked Kuroo.

Kuroo shrugged. “Who knows?” he asked, taking a drink from his beer.

“Well…he’s gay, right?”

Kuroo’s stomach churned. _Yeah, he’s hella gay, and he’s also my boyfriend of like, two and a half years._ “How am I supposed to know?” Kuroo lied.

“Come on! You’re his best friend! You’re together 24/7! You should _know_!”

“We don’t talk about those kinds of things.” Kuroo added. With a few more gulps, he polished off the first beer. “You said Bokuto was here?”

 

 

Everybody important had congregated in the basement. Kenma was talking to Hinata as they watched Asahi and Nishi play pong against Inuoka and Yaku. Suga and Daichi were having a dance off on some DDR mats while Tanaka cheered from the sidelines (while flirting with the girls, of course), and-

“BRO!” Bokuto boomed from a pool table. “I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE GONNA SHOW UP!”

Kuroo flashed a grin. “I only came here for you, bro.”

They embraced tightly for a split second before Kuroo saw Akashi standing at the pool table. He clapped Bokuto a few times on the back on pulled away. “So, we playing pool then?”

“Yes!” Bokuto grinned. “It _was_ just me and Akashi, but two on two is better!”

“Just because you suck.” Akashi called out.

“I don’t-I don’t suck!” Bokuto argued. “Come on Kuroo, me and you against Akashi and Yama! Let’s show them our moves!”

“We don’t have any moves.” Kuroo reminded him, chugging the rest of his second beer. “Not off the court, anyways.”

“Come _onnnnn.”_ Bokuto drawled.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t play!” Kuroo raised his hands in defense, and Yama shoved a pool stick at him.

“Let’s DO THIIISSS!!” Bokuto yelled, taking a shot of whiskey straight from the bottle. The other three followed suit, and the pool game began.

  

* * *

 

 

Kenma watched as Kuroo and Bokuto chest bumped at the pool table, a small smile forming on his lips. In some cases, one may get jealous seeing their boyfriend so close to another man, but it was different with Kuroo. Him and Bokuto truly were ‘bros.’ Not to mention, this was good for Kuroo- to get out and see his friends.

It was also good for Kenma.

“You wanna play a round?” Hinata asked, pulling Kenma’s gaze away from Kuroo.

“I’m not really sure-“ he began, but Hinata cut him off.

“We’re playing the winners!” he announced. Kenma glanced at the remaining cups on the table. There were five left on Asahi and Nishi’s side, and only one left on Inuoka and Yaku’s side.

“I’ve never played before.” He raised his eyebrows. “I won’t be a very good team mate.”

“Nonsense!” Hinata giggled. He then leaned over and whispered just loud enough for Kenma to hear. “We’re sober as can be, and they may not look it, but Nishi and Asahi are _wasted.”_

Kenma observed the odd duo. Nishi was as loud as ever, and his face was flushed pink. While he didn’t necessarily _seem_ out of the ordinary, his motions weren’t as precise as they normally would have been.

Asahi, on the other hand, was clearly drunk. His bun was falling out, and small bits were sticking to his sweaty forehead. He too was flushed pink, and far more giggly and open than usual.

“Where’s the scary setter?” Kenma asked Hinata while they waited for the game to end.

“Ahh.” Hinata cocked his head to the side and stared at the floor. “He said he would _try_ to make it. But I don’t think he will.”

Kenma could sense the disappointment in Hinata’s voice. They had texted a lot over the past few weeks, and Kenma had learned _a lot_ about the ‘freak set’ duo. Hinata had a massive crush on Kageyama, though it was not reciprocated immediately. It took weeks before Kageyama finally expressed his true feelings, though nothing really changed with them after that. They continued their banter in volleyball, and everything was as much a competition as before.

“Why don’t you think he’ll come?” Kenma asked curiously.

Hinata shrugged. “We don’t really act like a couple. I don’t know. I mean, you’re the only other person who knows about us, and I doubt we’ll tell anyone else for a long time…if we last that long. Gah. He’s not into this whole party things, and well, neither am I, but I thought it would be fun, you know? That’s why you came here, right? Because Kuroo brought you here?”

“Uhhh, yeah. I mean, it’s a totally different situation, but…”

Hinata smiled weakly. “You don’t have to hide it from me, Kenma. We’re friends.”

Kenma said nothing.

As if on cue, Asahi’s ball dunked into the final cup, and they had won the match.

Kenma stood next to Hinata as the shorter boy explained the rules and gave him pointers.

Just before Kenma tossed the ball, he felt someone loom behind him, one hand resting on his hip as the other wrapped around the back of his hand. Their size, their smell, and their touch registered as Kuroo.

He was taken aback, but Kuroo kept him from flinching.

He hadn’t really drank a lot, but it was definitely enough to get a good buzz. And it was _certainly_ enough to let him forget about boundaries. He had been watching Kenma talk with Hinata, and even though he wasn’t _jealous_ , he was…yeah, he was jealous. So he needed to approach them and make sure Kenma hadn’t completely forgotten about him.

“Just like this.” his hot breath flowed into Kenma’s ear as Kuroo pulled their hands back and then flew forward. Kenma released the ball, and it landed directly into the front center cup.

Hinata began to cheer as Nishi and Asahi groaned.

Just as quickly as he came, Kuroo let go of Kenma and made his way back upstairs.

He looked around at everybody else in the room, but the only other person who seemed to pay any mind to Kuroo’s act was Hinata, who just chuckled lightly.

“Take a shot!” Nishi exclaimed from the other side.

“We’re not drinking!” Hinata chimed, folding his arms over his chest. “We’re the babysitters of the evening!”

  
“Awww.” Asahi stared wistfully at them. “You two are just the _cutest!_ ”

“Uhhh…” both Kenma and Hinata said in unison.

“Don’t embarrass them!” Nishi slapped Asahi on the arm.

“I actually have to use the bathroom.” Kenma told Hinata. “Do you know where it is?”

“Upstairs! There’s one right off of the kitchen.”

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

Kenma turned quickly and made his way up the stairs, taking a deep breath as the air cooled around him.

The bathroom door was slightly ajar, and Kenma cold hear Oikawa’s loud voice.

“…to see him ever again!” he sobbed, and Kenma knew immediately that he was beyond drunk. “He didn’t even stay long enough for me to make out with him!”

“So find someone else to make out with.” Kuroo’s voice resonated. Kenma stopped in his tracks, not wanting to interrupt. However, Kuroo heard the creaking of the floorboards and nudged open the door.

“Kenma!” he smiled, leaning back against the bathtub. His eyes were slightly bloodshot, and he had a light sheen of sweat over his skin. Oikawa was wrapped around the toilet, tears and sweat covering his face. “Tell Oikawa that he doesn’t need Iwaizumi to be happy.”

Kenma stared blankly at the Aobajousai captain. “You can find someone else to make out with.” He repeated Kuroo’s words.

“Like who?” Oikawa sniffled. “Who else here is gay?”

Kuroo didn’t look towards Kenma. “The Karasuno captain might be.”

“Please.” Oikawa scoffed. “He’s attached to Suga’s hip.”

“Uhh…Hinata?” Kuroo looked questioningly at Kenma, who shook his head. “Oh.”

“What about you?” Oikawa slumped back and crawled on his knees towards Kuroo.

“Well, yes, but-“

Before he could finish his sentence, Oikawa lunged forward and trapped their lips together.

Kenma stared in silence as Kuroo’s brows raised up and he twisted his head away, pushing Oikawa off of him. “Dude, I’m seeing someone.” He told him as Oikawa tried to go in for another kiss.

“Who?” he asked, leaning forward. Kuroo caught him by his shoulders and kept him at arm’s length.

“It doesn’t matter who.” Kuroo said sternly.

“Well, I bet that I’m better at making out than they are! They don’t have to know! Kenma won’t say anything, will he?”

Kenma opened his mouth to reply, but Kuroo cut him off. “I don’t want to make out with you.”

“Then let’s do _something_.” He begged, bouncing up and down.

“I’m not sleeping with you either, for God’s sake.” Kuroo stood up this time, letting Oikawa slump back down.

“I’m gonna go get Yamamoto and see what we can do about this brat.” He told Kenma with a wink.

Kenma nodded and averted Kuroo’s gaze.

When Kuroo had gone down the steps, Oikawa moaned loudly. Kenma didn’t know what to do, so he turned slowly to go into the living room.

He waited on the couch, playing one of those free RPG games that he downloaded from the app store, ignoring all of the other people in the room.

“Alright, dumbass, we’re carrying you upstairs.” Kuroo’s voice sounded from the kitchen. Kenma leaned forward and peeked around the corner and watched as Kuroo and Daichi disappeared momentarily into the bathroom.

A few seconds later, they emerged, carrying Oikawa between them.

“You two don’t need to carry me, I’m _fine.”_ He grumbled, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to put up much of a fight.”

Kenma followed behind the three of them as they made their way up the stairs, keeping a close eye on their feet to assure that none of them got tangled and began to trip.

They located the spare bedroom that Yamamoto directed them to and flopped Oikawa down on the bed.

“I’ll go get some water and stuff.” Daichi said softly, shaking his head at the usually composed setter.

Kuroo nodded and began to roll Oikawa around so that he could get him under the blankets.

“Why don’t you join me, Kuroo?” Oikawa slurred, grabbing hold of Kuroo’s wrist.

“I told you, I’m seeing someone.” Kuroo’s gaze almost flickered over to Kenma, but he caught himself.

“I bet that I can be better to you than they are!” Oikawa attempted to sit up, but Kuroo pushed him back down.

“Give it a rest. You’re just talking like this because you had a misunderstanding with Iwaizumi. If you even remember me come tomorrow morning, you’ll feel like a complete tool for what you’ve said and done. Not to mention…” he jerked his away from Oikawa’s pawing gestures. “You’re _so_ not my type.”

Oikawa gasped. “I’m _everybody’s_ type! Even Kenma!” he glanced at the Kenma, who was leaning against the wall near them.

Kenma turned his head away. “Despite your good looks, that’s really all you’ve got going for you.” He said honestly.

Kuroo snorted out a laugh, and Oikawa curled up in a ball. “Even _Kenma_ thinks I’m a moron!” he howled, tears soaking the pillow.

“Don’t feel too bad, he thinks everybody’s a moron.” Kuroo replied, shooting Kenma a small smile. Kenma blushed lightly and looked to the ground.

“I didn’t say you’re a moron.” Kenma worded, letting himself speak slowly so that his words were clear. “But from what I’ve noticed, you care little about anybody else. I’m assuming that’s what got you into trouble with Iwaizumi. You’re sensitive when it comes to your own emotions, but you totally lack empathy towards others.” Oikawa rolled over to face him. “Maybe if you took others into perspective instead of acting on your own feelings, then you wouldn’t have driven Iwaizumi off. You wouldn’t have ended up ruining the rug in the bathroom. And you wouldn’t have forced a kiss on Kuroo.” Kenma said the last words bitterly, though Oikawa took no notice.

Kuroo whistled and put his hands on his hips “You know you fucked up when _Kenma_ scolds you.”

Oikawa groaned. “You’re _so_ right, Kenma-chan.” He scooted over in bed. “Why don’t _you_ come cuddle and tell me more things that you’ve observed about me?”

The disgusted look on Kenma’s face was priceless. Kuroo couldn’t take it-he doubled over laughing, gaining a glare from both of the other boys in the room.

“What’s so funny?” Daichi asked as he entered the room, a glass of water and a bag of crackers in his hands.

Kuroo wiped a fake tear from his eye. “Oikawa’s trying to flirt with Kenma.”

Daichi snorted a laugh and set the glass and crackers on the bedside table for Oikawa. “How’s that going for you, Kenma?”

Kenma slid his eyes to the side, and Daichi reached down next to him to pick up the small trash can and move it next to the bed.

“Kenmaaaaaaa.” Oikawa whined, sitting up. “We’re both setters, so we’re _both_ good with our hands. Let’s see who’s better.” He grinned mischievously, throwing the blanket aside.

Without another word, Kenma turned and walked through the door, lightly padding down the stairs to make his way out the front door.

Kuroo caught up with him before he made it to the end of the block.

“Slow down!” Kuroo wrapped his arm around Kenma’s waist. “I’m still slightly drunk, please slow down.”

Kenma sighed and relaxed his pace, attempting to shake Kuroo off of him.

“Nuh uh, you don’t get to get out that easily.” Kuroo put more of his weight onto Kenma, who was forced to put his own arm around Kuroo to keep him from falling. “It’s dark, and anybody who sees us will assume you’re just helping carry a drunken oaf.”

“They wouldn’t be wrong.” Kenma mumbled, though he wasn’t going to complain any more.

Kuroo grinned and moved his arm to sling across Kenma’s shoulder. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you leave the house looking so beautiful.” He whispered into Kenma’s burning ear.

“Don’t be dumb.” Kenma shrugged him away, but Kuroo just laughed.

“I’m being _honest.”_ Kuroo admitted. “You know how hard it was for me not to bend you over that pong table? Or how badly I wanted to drag you to an empty room and make you scream my name?”

Kenma’s heart thumped ferociously, and he couldn’t come up with the words to respond.

Kuroo’s hand slid alongside Kenma’s jaw, turning his head so that he was facing the larger man. He then brought their lips together, and Kenma scrunched his nose at the burning taste that filled his mouth with Kuroo’s tongue.

He didn’t realize that they had come to complete stop, and that Kuroo had pulled him into a full make out session right there on the sidewalk.

“Kuro…” he breathed, pulling back. “Can you wait until we’re home, please?”

Kuroo chuckled and kissed the side of Kenma’s neck. “What, those bushes over there don’t appeal to you?”

Kenma pushed Kuroo away and rolled his eyes. “We’re _not_ fucking in the bushes.” He continued down the sidewalk, Kuroo following right behind.

Kenma wanted to say something about Oikawa kissing Kuroo, but he couldn’t come up with a way to start the conversation. So he let a comfortable silence fall over them as they walked home, Kuroo’s pinkie finger wrapped tightly around his own.

When they got to the front door, they entered through it quietly. All of the lights were off, so they made their way through the darkness up to Kenma’s room, avoiding the creaks in the floorboards, and skipping the noisy steps in the stairs.

Kenma had barely shut his door when Kuroo wrapped his hands around the back of his head and kissed him hard. Kenma grabbed onto Kuroo’s forearms and opened his lips to let Kuroo’s tongue twirl around inside of his mouth.

Kuroo took a few steps forward, forcing Kenma to step back until he was pressed against the door. He curled his fingers into Kenma’s long hair, giving it a tug that made Kenma gasp as they parted lips.

“Shhh.” Kuroo grinned craftily. “Don’t get any louder or we’ll wake up your parents.”

Kenma reached over and locked his door. “Go turn my fan on then.” He instructed.

“Mm, you know I love it when you get _bossy.”_ Kuroo pulled away and crossed over to the window, turning the dial on the fan to ‘high.’

Kenma reached for the small brown paper bag that was hidden behind some old junk underneath his bed. He pulled out a bottle of lube, but hesitated over the condoms. Kuroo sat down on the bed and frowned down at him. “What’s wrong?”

Kenma shoved the bag under the bed and climbed into Kuroo’s lap. “Let’s go without tonight.”

“I’m not complaining, but…is there a reason?” he leaned back on his elbows while Kenma began to undo his jeans.

Kenma didn’t reply, though his face started to glow. Kuroo leaned forward and pulled Kenma up, flipping them over so that he was on top. Kuroo slid his hands up Kenma’s shirt, pulling it over the blonde’s head. He then shed his own shirt, tossing it to the floor behind them.

Kuroo started to undo Kenma’s jeans, but his apparently it wasn’t fast enough. Kenma swatted his hands away and undid them, along with Kuroo’s.

“Impatient, are we?” Kuroo grinned as he pulled his jeans and boxers off.

“No, you’re just going painfully slow.” Kenma lifted his hips from the bed and slid his jeans and underwear down, and Kuroo tugged them the rest of the way off.

“Sooo…impatient.” Kuroo raised an eyebrow and bowed back down so that they were face to face. “I mean, I know I’m still a little buzzed, but I can read you as well as ever.”

“I don’t get impatient.” Kenma stated monotonously, remaining completely motionless. “ _You’re_ the impatient one.”

“Reeeeally, now?” Kuroo drawled, kissing the side of Kenma’s neck. He chuckled softly. “I would argue that, but we’re both rock hard, so I think that it’s fair to say we’re both a little impatient.” He trailed his fingers down Kenma’s abdomen and took his dick in his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Other than barebaking it, do you have any other requests for this evening?”

“Dear _God,_ Kuro, _please_ just get on with it.” Kenma said, irritation growing in his voice.

Kuroo only chuckled again and scooted back so that he could wrap his lips around the head of Kenma’s dick. He sucked tenderly, his tongue lapping at the precum that was already seeping out. His hand wrapped around Kenma’s shaft and he began to work it up and down in a corkscrew motion.

Kenma was wholly relaxed now, and he twined his fingers into Kuroo’s course hair. He could already feel himself coming close to the edge, so he tugged lightly to warn Kuroo to slow down.

“What, already?” Kuroo asked, letting Kenma’s cock flop back down onto his stomach.

“I told you, three weeks is a long time to go without.” Kenma defended, propping himself up on his elbows.

Kuroo could only grin as he leaned forward and kissed Kenma on the lips. “At least tell me you jerked off during that time.”

Kenma slid his eyes to the side. “What’s it matter?”

Kuroo laughed. “You really are something, you know that?” he said, pushing Kenma back down.

“Were you thinking of me when you did it?” he asked, grabbing hold of Kenma’s legs and pushing them over the younger man’s shoulders.

“Don’t be a pervert.” Kenma scolded. “Are you really going to talk the entire time?”

“Come on.” Kuroo chuckled, grabbing the bottle of lube from the night stand. “You love it when I talk dirty to you.”

“That’s a lie.”

“Ohhh, okay. I get it.” Kuroo smirked, hovering over Kenma’s groin. “You would rather have my mouth doing other things.”

Kenma had been about to respond with something witty when Kuroo dragged his hot tongue across his hole, causing him to lose his train of thought. He then pressed his lips against Kenma’s opening and snaked his tongue in and out, and Kenma quickly slapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the whimper that escaped his lungs.

The small noise excited Kuroo, and he could feel his own cock grow heavy with anticipation. He grabbed the lube and dabbled some onto his middle finger, massaging it directly onto Kenma’s hole. His finger slid in easily, despite the tightness, and he began to drive it in and out. They had gotten to the point in their sexual relationship that Kuroo no longer had to ask whether or not Kenma was ready for more- he just knew. Without warning, he added another finger and began to scissor them. Kenma arched his back, forcing Kuroo to move even deeper inside of him, and scrape gently across his prostate.

Kuroo couldn’t sit back and watch any longer. He pulled his fingers out gently, causing Kenma jolt at the retreat. He climbed on top of Kenma and smashed their lips together, letting their tongues collide.

“Wait.” Kenma hesitated as Kuroo grabbed the bottle of lube.

Kuroo frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Uhh…I…” Kenma’s heart sped up. “I want to do it.”

“Do what, babe?”

“Lube you up.” He answered confidently, sitting up. “Lay down.”

“ _You’re_ giving _me_ directions now?” he asked without protest as they exchanged positions. He was happily surprised at the unusual request- they had a system, and it was rare for them to try anything but what they were used to. Well, rare for Kenma. Kuroo had constantly tried to switch things up, but Kenma had a way that he was used to things, and he was never willing to change them.

“Please.” Kenma rolled his eyes, drizzling lube onto Kuroo’s shaft. He flinched at the coolness of it, but Kenma continued speaking. “You act like you’re the one in charge, but you and I both know that’s false. We always do what I want, and you just go along with it.” He grasped Kuroo’s hard dick in his hand and pumped it at an alarmingly slow rate.

Kuroo chuckled, resting his hands against Kenma’s thighs. “If you wanted to get on top just so you could tease me, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Kenma smiled and lined Kuroo’s dick up with his hole. Slowly, carefully, he lowered himself down onto it, letting himself adjust according to each passing millimeter. He would never admit this to Kuroo, but he loved the burn. He loved feeling himself stretch around a piece of Kuroo, whether it was his tongue, fingers, or penis. And he wasn’t obsessed with sex. He liked it just as much as any other average teenager. But he _was_ obsessed with Kuroo. Not in the unhealthy ‘I’m going to wear your skin’ way, but in the ‘I really love you and everything about you’ kid of way.

When Kuroo was finally balls deep inside of him, he leaned forward so that his palms rested on Kuroo’s chest. He scanned his eyes across Kuroo’s face, taking in every detail- his dark brown eyes, his ridiculously chaotic hair, the sheen of sweat coating his forehead, and…the annoying smile that was now pulling at his obnoxious mouth.

“You gonna just sit there and stare at me all night?” he smirked, squeezing Kenma’s thighs.

Kenma’s face flushed. “That’s the last time I ever look at you with any sense of romanticism.” He mumbled.

Kuroo locked his knees together and sat up, holding onto Kenma as he scooted them back until he was pressed against the wall. “There.” He breathed, pushing Kenma to rest against his thighs. “Now you can stare at me all you want, _and_ get a nice orgasm out of it.” He pulled Kenma into a kiss and began to administer short and shallow thrusts.

Kenma wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s head and also began to glide up and down. He could feel Kuroo’s hands grip his thighs even tighter as his pace began to increase, and his heart fluttered with excitement. While the closeness of their intimacy sometimes embarrassed him, he felt at ease.

Kuroo wrapped an arm around Kenma’s waist, and held his cock in the other hand. Kenma breathed harshly into Kuroo’s mouth as he began to work him up and down.

“You’re so much cuter from this angle.” He smirked, squeezing his hand even tighter.

“Shut up!” Kenma gasped, forcing their lips back together. The only noise now was the slapping of skin on skin, and he prayed that then fan was loud enough to drown it out.

“I can’t help it.” Kuroo breathed, trailing his lips down Kenma’s neck. “Not to mention…” he nipped at Kenma his collarbone. “Fucking you without a condom is such a turn on.”

Kenma almost punched Kuroo in the face. _Almost._ Instead, he took a deep breath. “Keep talking like that and I will never let you fuck me without one ever again.”

Kuroo laughed and jerked his hips even harder. “Keep talking dirty to me.”

“I hate you.” Kenma yanked Kuroo’s jaw back up so that he could kiss him again.

“You do not.” Kuroo took Kenma’s bottom lip between his lips and tugged at it.

Kenma dropped down hard, and he could feel Kuroo’s dick slam against his prostate. He threw his head back and Kuroo leaned his own back against the wall, watching as Kenma came closer to his orgasm.

He looked…odd. Not in a bad way, but in a different way. Kuroo was always used to the faces that Kenma made during sex, but this time was different. He looked determined. Like he had something to prove. And though sometimes Kuroo was insecure about the love his boyfriend had for him, this moment seemed to verify the feelings that he had. And it also validated his own feelings. Even though his head was fuzzy, and the warmth spreading through his groin was befuddling, he was still able to recognize the feeling that was consuming his mind, body and soul.

He loved Kenma Kozume.

“Kuro…” Kenma whimpered, his hips beginning to shudder.

Kuroo grinned and seized Kenma’s waist, taking over the thrusting process as Kenma hugged him tightly and released between them.

As Kenma was winding down, Kuroo sped up his pace and buried his face into Kenma’s neck. With one final thrust, he came hard. Kenma tensed up slightly as the warmth of Kuroo’s semen spread inside of him, but he relaxed when he was finished.

Kenma slumped against Kuroo as the older man ran his fingers through Kenma’s somewhat sweaty hair, massaging his scalp peacefully.

“K’roo.” Kenma uttered quietly. “I can feel you dripping down my legs and it’s grossing me out.”

“Ha.” Kuroo responded weakly. “Your cum is all over my stomach, so I guess we’re even.”

Kenma tried to pull away, but Kuroo pulled him back in.

“Kuro, I want to go shower.”

“Not until you talk to me for a sec.”

“About what?” Kenma replied impatiently.

“About the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.”

He expected Kenma to try to pull away, but he didn’t. Instead, he wrapped his arms behind Kuroo’s back and hugged him closer. “Oikawa kissed you.”

“That…bothered you?” Kuroo asked.

“Of course it did.” He answered bitterly. “I thought…that maybe…” he tried to convey exactly what he was thinking and feeling, just as Kuroo suggested he do, but he couldn’t come up with the words.

“…Maybe I would find Oikawa’s kiss desirable and lose interest in you?” Kuroo finished for him.

“Something like that.” Kenma mumbled. “Oikawa is attractive, and I’m-“

“Even more attractive.” Kuroo cut him off. “Oikawa is like…Oikawa is like a volcano. He’s beautiful, and interesting, and unique. But he’s also explosive and unpredictable. You…God, Kenma, you’re like the entire night sky. You’re speckled with magnificence and the unknown. You are deep and vast, and bewitching. And…” he ran a finger lightly down Kenma’s spine.” You’ll never find someone who loves the night sky more than me.”

Kenma’s throat tightened. “You are literally the biggest sap I have ever met.” He choked out, keeping his head down.

Kuroo chuckled. “Mmm, yeah. I know.”

“And…” he hesitated, his face growing hot. “I do love you.”

Kuroo’s heart melted. “Yeah.” He smiled and kissed the top of Kenma’s head. “And I love you.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! I really loved this chapter, and I reeeally love writing their relationship like this. Another reason I wanted to write this extra chapter was to show you that Kenma's anxiety and depression didn't form after he and Kuroo broke up. I don't want anyone thinking that this is a fic about Kenma being unable to live without Kuroo, and that all of his problems will be fixed once he sees him again. It also emphasizes the fact that Kuroo IS insecure about Kenma's feelings for him at times, which is what made their breakup 'easy' for him to accept. So yeah, let me know what you thought! I hope you enjoyed it, I'm really excited for any feedback you all have!!!
> 
> Again, don't forget to follow me on tumblr! (kuroken-for-the-win.tumblr.com) I'll post updates and answer any questions ya'll might have :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my friends! This is the chapter many of you have been worrying about, and I must say it's...it's something. Lol. Anyways, I want to provide you with a warning. There are a lot of homophobic slurs within this chapter, but this will probably be there last time that are used throughout this whole fic. It really depends on readership and how many more chapters I write. But yeah, I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think in the comments!

** Kuroo **

****

“You wanna talk about it?” Dachi asked, wrapping his arm around Kuroo’s shoulders as he washed a few glasses in the sink behind the bar.

“Talk about what?” Kuroo replied, a small frown on his face.

Daichi stared at him blankly. “You’ve been quiet all day.” He dropped his arm. “I was going to ask earlier but then we got hit by the dinner rush.”

Kuroo shrugged, wiping the sweat off of his upper lip with his shoulder. “I don’t have much to talk about.”

“Spill.” Suga appeared on his other side.

Kuroo looked back and forth at them and groaned. “Why do you gang up on me when I wash dishes?” he whined, flicking a bit of water at both of them.

Both men stepped away and laughed, but they didn’t let up the pressure.

“You need to talk to us, Kuroo.” Daichi said, his face softening. “Something going on between you and Bokuto?”

Kuroo said nothing.

“So it is.” Suga clicked his tongue. “Let’s hear it.”

“No.” Kuroo said stubbornly.

“Come on! You’ve had to listen to Daichi and I complain about our relationship countless times!”

“That’s different.” Kuroo glared at him. “You were never second guessing your relationship.”

“Oooohhh.” They said in unison.

“Mmhmm.” Kuroo grunted, turning the water off and drying his hands on the towel in front of him. “There’s a lot going on, and I _want_ to tell you guys, I really do, but there’s some stuff that I just…can’t.”

“Well, what _can_ you tell us then?” Suga asked, concern spreading over his face. “We want to help, Kuroo.”

“I know, I know.” Kuroo grumbled. He then looked around, making sure that there were no customer’s in need of assistance before telling them part of his problem. “I’m not sure about my relationship with Bokuto.” He leaned back against the sink, folding his arms over his chest. “And it’s not because he’s not great. He’s…he’s amazing. I’ve just got hundreds of other things on my mind, and I feel bad because I’m putting him on the back burner, and he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Have you talked to him about these ‘other things?’” Daichi asked.

“I…can’t.” he admitted. “It’s a personal matter.”

“Can you tell us?” Suga rested his hand lightly on Kuroo’s shoulder. “Sometimes it’s easier to tell a friend rather than a boyfriend.” He flicked his eyes to Daichi. “ _Sometimes._ ” He reassured his boyfriend. Daichi smiled, relieved.

Kuroo didn’t know whether or not to tell them about Kenma’s situation. It was personal. However…they weren’t gossipers, and they truly wanted to help him. But just telling them _half_ of the story would only make it look like he was a shitty friend.

So he told them everything. He told them about his and Kenma’s relationship, his father, Kenma’s depression, and his recent suicide attempt.

Suga was nearly in tears by the time Kuroo had finished. “You need to go see him, Kuroo.”

“But what do I say?” he asked, desperation in his voice. “’Sorry you tried killing yourself, wanna be friends again?’ I just…don’t know.” He huffed, letting his arms fall to his sides. “You don’t know how badly I want to see him and tell him that I’ll never leave his side ever again.”

“Then you should do it.” Daichi suggested. Kuroo rolled his eyes, and Daichi exclaimed, “I’m serious! It doesn’t matter if he wants you there or not, you can help him. I can’t believe you let him push you away so quickly in the first place. Were you really that unsure of the intensity of your relationship?”

“No.” Kuroo snapped. “It’s just that Kenma…he knows what’s best. He always knows what to do, and what’s best. So I just assumed that if he were saying that he didn’t want to be together, then that’s what he truly meant. It never crossed my mind that he wouldn’t be telling the truth.”

Two customers walked through the door and smiled at the three men behind the bar. Suga greeted them with a wide grin and a big “Hello! Just the two of you tonight? Booth, table, or bar?”

Thankfully, they chose a booth in the corner of the restaurant.

Daichi continued speaking to Kuroo. “He wasn’t wrong, you know.”

Kuroo wanted to punch him. “What do you mean?” he asked, irritation nipping in his voice.

“Kenma. He _was_ doing what was best. Maybe not for himself, but for you. I mean, you said that you don’t know for sure what the situation with your father was, but no matter what, _someone_ threatened him. They could have said they would hurt _you._ Not to be rude, but Kenma isn’t the strongest, physically. So the only way he thought he could protect you is by breaking it off with you. Not to mention…” he looked to the ceiling, searching for his words. “I can’t imagine how hurt you were when you saw him get beat up like that. So, can you imagine how much more it would have hurtif you found out that hehad been hurt because of _you_?”

Kuroo’s blood ran cold. It made perfect sense. Kenma had broken up with Kuroo because he didn’t want Kuroo to see him get hurt. Kuroo’s eyes began to water, and he tilted his head back, groaning.

Daichi snapped back to reality. “Sorry, sorry.” He smiled and patted Kuroo on the back. “Of course, these are all assumptions. You won’t know anything for sure until you talk to Kenma himself. Which I think you should do. Soon.”

Suga appeared again, resting his hand on the small of Kuroo’s back. “I think you should as well. If he misses you _half_ as much as you miss him, he’s missing you an awful lot.”

Kuroo nodded, taking a deep breath. He looked back at Daichi. “What do I do about Bokuto?”

“You haven’t told him anything, correct?” Daichi asked as Suga walked back up to them.

Kuroo shook his head.

“I think you should tell him everything. He seems reasonable. Understanding.”

“He’s a great boyfriend.” Kuroo admitted. “But…I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to break up with him before seeing Kenma, just in case I’m wrong.”

“But isn’t it a little unfair to date him if you’re still harboring feelings for Kenma?” Suga chirped, his face blushing. “That sounds harsh, but it’s true.”

“It’s fine.” Kuroo reassured him. “But…I mean, I’m _sure_ he’s still got feelings for Akashi.”

“Ohhh, right, I forgot about him!” Suga slapped his forehead. “Why did they break up, anyways?”

Kuroo shrugged. “I think it had something to do with school. Akashi went to the states, didn’t he?”

Daichi and Suga looked at each other and shrugged. “So maybe you should talk to him about _everything.”_ Suga suggested. “Maybe both of you were using each other to get over who you actually loved.”

Kuroo rolled his eyes. “That is literally the most childish thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Suga stuck his pointer finger up. “And yet, the chances of it being so are incredibly high.”

Kuroo sighed. “Right, fine. I’m going to talk to him. And tell him everything.”

Daichi and Suga smiled at him. “Good.” Daichi grabbed two washcloths from the sink. “Why don’t you head out early? We’re dead tonight, there’s no need for three servers.”

Kuroo frowned. “You sure? I don’t want to leave you shorthanded in case-“

“Go.” Suga gave him a light shove.

“You’re useless here anyways!” Daichi joked with a wink, handing Suga a washcloth.

Kuroo pursed his lips and resting his hand on his thigh as he walked backwards, flipping them the bird.

Both men laughed, and Kuroo knew that he had made the right decision in telling them everything.

Now he just needed to tell his boyfriend.

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re making me nervous.” Bokuto grumbled from the chair, glancing up at Kuroo, who was pacing back and forth in front of him. “Just spit it out.”

“It’s not that simple.” Kuroo sat down on the couch and rubbed his face. He had thought about every word that he wanted to say, but as soon as he saw Bokuto, he forgot all of them.

“Bro.” Bokuto stood up from the chair and moved next to Kuroo, wrapping his arm him. He leaned in and rested his chin on Kuroo’s shoulder. “Whatever it is, you know I’m not going to pitch a fit. So just say what you’re thinking. Don’t stress.”

“Ugh.” Kuroo rested his hand on Bokuto’s thigh, giving it a light squeeze. “What are we doing, Kuto?” he asked, his brows furrowing together.

Bokuto laced his fingers into Kuroo’s. “What are we doing?” he questioned.

“Yeah. What are we doing together?”

“Like tonight?”

“No!” Kuroo pulled his hand away and looked into Bokuto’s golden eyes. “I mean, what are we doing in a relationship? _Why_ are we in a relationship?”

“Uhhh…because we like each other?” he shifted his eyes back and forth. “Well…right?”

Kuroo groaned. He just needed to get right to the point. “Why did you and Akaashi break up?”

Bokuto froze. “Why do you want to talk about this _now?”_

“Because it’s important. I need to know.”

“Well…” he ran his hand through his black and white hair. “He had to do his own thing. I would have followed him if I could, but…I didn’t get accepted into the college that he wanted to go to in America.”

“You still talk to him often, don’t you?” Kuroo pried, nodding his head.

Bokuto’s face reddened. “Yes.”

“And you still love him?” Kuroo asked, his heart beginning to race.

Bokuto was still at first, but then his head tilted forward. “Yeah.”

Relief spread through Kuroo, but it still felt like he was being punched in the gut. He struggled to come up with his next words. “So…would you say that maybe…you were just using me to get over him?”

Bokuto’s head shot up. “Don’t say it like that! You know that’s not how it is.”

“Don’t get so defensive, you know I’m still hung up on my ex.”

Bokuto looked back down to the floor. “Were you using me?” he asked quietly.

“Yes.” Kuroo said bluntly. He could see Bokuto flinch, and guilt washed over him. “I’m sorry. It’s shitty of me to do. And it’s not that I don’t care about you, because I really, _really,_ do, it’s just that-“

“You care about him more.” Bokuto cut him off and nodded. “I understand. Because I feel the same way about you. Akashi and I dated for two years before we broke up, but I loved him for so much longer than that, you know? And you…well, we’ve been friends for a long time. It just seemed natural that we be together since both of our other relationships went down the toilet.”

Kuroo nodded in agreement. “I think you’re right.”

Bokuto shifted in his seat. “Kuroo…where exactly is all this coming from?”

“Umm. Yeah. Well…it’s really hard to explain. It’s about my ex.”

“Bro.” Bokuto chastised. “You’ve kept your past a secret from me for way too long. I gotta know what’s going on. Help me understand things.”

Kuroo sighed heavily. “ _It’s for the best_.” He told himself, rubbing at his eyes. “Kay. So…my ex and I had been dating for years. Like, four whole years. But we’d known each other since we were kids, and just like you and Akashi, I loved him for much longer than that. But _unlike_ you, we kept it a secret from everybody. Even Nekoma had no clue that we were together.” He hesitated, and Bokuto reached over and grabbed his knee reassuringly. “The rest of the story is complicating. He broke up with me, saying that he never loved me, and that he just didn’t want to be alone. It was just recently that I found out he may have been threatened by my dad, and he only broke up with me to try to protect me.”

“That’s…wow. That’s awful.” He bit his lip. “Kuroo…um…well, I…who…?” Bokuto stumbled over his words, but Kuroo knew what he was trying to ask.

“Kenma.” Kuroo stated.

“I knew it!” he exclaimed. “I knew you two were too close to be just friends. I guess I never pieced together the fact that you broke up with your boyfriend around the same time you had a falling out with Kenma.”

“Yeah.”

“When was the last time you spoke with him?” Bokuto asked, clearly concerned.

“Little over a year ago. When we broke up”

“Well what the hell are you doing here with me then?” he scorned. “Go talk to him and get the full story! I can’t believe you’re sitting here dwelling over this- it’s not rocket science, Kuroo. You’re in pain, and he might be too!”

“A lot has changed in a year!” Kuroo defended. “He’s got…issues. He had them before we broke up, but he’s just gotten worse with time. How shitty would it be if I waltzed right back into his life?”

“Uhhh, not at all? Are you an idiot? He broke up with you so that your homophobic, piece of shit father wouldn’t hurt you. And then you date another man. Do you see what I’m getting at?” Bokuto was yelling now, his voice practically shaking the window panes. “He broke up with you, probably hoping that you would find a girl or something, but you date me instead.”

Kuroo’s gut churned. “So he broke up with me for nothing.”

“ _Yes,_ you dense moron!”

Kuroo’s head was swimming. “But…I mean, I’m not _positive_ that was the reason he broke up with me. He might have done it because he _truly_ didn’t want to be with me.”

“You believe that?”

Kuroo bit his lip. “I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t. Actually, don’t believe anything right now. Go talk to him and hear what he has to say. After you talk to him, _then_ you decide where to go from there. Every second you spend thinking and analyzing the potential factors is a second that you waste not knowing the truth.”

Kuroo nodded, and his plans had been solidified.

He would see Kenma first thing in the morning.

 

* * *

 

 

“He doesn’t want to see you.” Natsumi told him. “He said that you’ve got a new boyfriend and that you’re happy. He doesn’t want to take you away from your happiness.”

“How did he find out about Bokuto?” Kuroo asked, ignoring the other things she said. He was still trying to wake up, as he rphone call had jerked him from his sleep.

“I don’t know. I thought he was bluffing, but…you are seeing someone then?”

Kuroo bit his lip. “It’s complicating. But that doesn’t matter. I can’t believe he thinks that he would be dragging me down by talking to him again.”

“I know. You know how he can be…”

“Mmm.” Kuroo held the phone between his ear and shoulder while he pulled his jeans up over his boxers. “I want to see him. Today.”

“If you come here, Masao won’t let you into the house. But…he works at four.”

“Perfect, I can talk to him then. Where does he work?”

“I promised I wouldn’t tell.”

“Then why-“

“ _But._ ” She cut him off. “Shoyo knows.”

Kuroo let out a sigh. “You’re really going to make me call Shorty to ask him something that you already have the answer to?”

“Well if I tell you then it’s going back on my word!”

Kuroo chuckled and shook his head. “Already. I’ll call Shorty. Thanks, mom.”

“Yeah…but, Tetsu…please be careful with him. Kenma, I mean. Okay? I don’t know what seeing you will do to him.”

He frowned. “Yeah. Of course. You got it.”

He hung up the phone and immediately dialed Hinata’s number.

“Kuroo?’

“Yo. Where does Kenma work?” he asked right away.

“Uhh…at the library. Why-“

“Thanks.” He hung up and grabbed a shirt from his dresser, sliding it over his head.

He would go see Kenma later on, then. That gave him the chance to pay a visit to someone else beforehand.

“You going to see Kenma?” Bokuto asked, rubbing his wet hair with a towel while another one was tied around his waist.

“Yeah. Tonight.” Kuroo replied, grabbing his wallet from his nightstand. “I’m going to see my dad first.”

“Oh.” Bokuto froze. “How long has it been since you’ve seen them last, anyway?”

Kuroo shrugged. “Couple months. I talked to them on the phone when we first started dating, but…” he trailed off. It wasn’t a very happy phone call.

“Well, good luck with that.” Bokuto smiled weakly. “I know I don’t have much here, but I’ll have all of my stuff out of here by the time you get back.”

Kuroo nodded, his heart growing heavy. They had talked long into the night about what they were going to do with their relationship. Bokuto didn’t want to be a factor that kept Kuroo from Kenma, and Kuroo didn’t feel right making Bokuto his second priority.

So they broke up, and Bokuto agreed to move out.

“You don’t have to move out right away, you know.” Kuroo reminded him. “If you need time to find a place.”

“Nah, my parents will take me back in. They can’t resist this beautiful face!” he grinned widely, throwing a pose as if there were a camera present.

Kuroo chuckled. “Well…I guess…I’ll see you around. Bro.” he held out his hand.

“Bro.” Boukto shook his head, wrapping his arms around Kuroo instead. “Let me know how it goes with Kenma, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kuroo gave him a tight squeeze and turned to leave through the door.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tetsurou.” His mother, Kaiya, breathed. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “Come in, come in!”

He nodded at her and stepped through the door frame, not bothering to slip his shoes off. “I just came to talk to dad.”

“Oh. Your Hiro is in the living room.” Disappointment tinged in her voice, but Kuroo paid it no mind.

He made his way into the living room, and his father was in his recliner, tapping at the laptop in his lap. His eyes flicked to Kuroo and he grunted. “The hell do you want?”

“I have a few questions-”

“Don’t need a queer around here.” He scoffed. “Fly your way back to Fairy Island.

“-and I’ll be on my way.” Kuroo finished, tuning out his father’s slurs.

“I don’t answer to you.” Hiro sniffed, focusing back on his laptop.

Anger filtered through Kuroo’s veins, and he approached his father, snatching the laptop away from him.

“What the hell?” his father yelled, and his mother shrank back against the wall near the doorway, avoiding the conflict. Like always.

“You’re going to listen to me, and you’re going to answer my questions.” Kuroo said firmly, snapping the laptop shut before throwing it onto the couch. “Were you the one who attacked Kenma last year?”

“Good God.” His father groaned. “We’re talking about that fruit again? What happened to the other creature you were screwing?”

Kuroo bit his tongue. “Answer my question.”

His father stood up and gave Kuroo a light shove. “You think you’re so tough, don’t you?” he asked. “Bounding into _my house_ after months of no contact? Worrying your mother sick? And you think you can just come back in here and confront me with homo drama?”

Kuroo was a head taller than his father, but his gut still churned with childhood fear. “I don’t care about her. I don’t care about you. All I care about it what you told Kenma and why. Then I’ll leave, and you won’t have to see me again. We can go back to living our lives happily apart.”

Hiro shoved Kuroo again, this time with much more force. “What’re you gonna do about it, Tetsurou?” Another shove. Kuroo felt himself hit the wall. “So what if I was the one who sent your twerpy little fuck buddy to the hospital? What are you-“

That was all it took. That quick confession was all that Kuroo needed before he drove his fist into his father’s stomach and then pushed him to the ground. He straddled over him, pinning his arms above his head.

“Get off of me, you pervert!” his father struggled, but it was useless against Kuroo’s weight and strength. “Kaiya, call the police.”

“I already did.” She said softly. Kuroo glared over at her, slightly shocked, but not entirely surprised that she would continue to take his father’s side. That’s how it had always been, and how it always would be.

His father took advantage of that moment and rolled them to the side, jerking his arms out of Kuroo’s grasp. With a quick swing, his fist collided into Kuroo’s face. He held his gushing nose in both hands, allowing his father to kick him hard in the stomach. He fought to catch his breath as his father towered over him.

“I told him that he wasn’t worth you. That you could do better than some disgusting little faggot. He was an easy target. Small, not very strong…didn’t say anything to me the whole time, no matter how many times I flung him to the ground and beat the shit out of him.”

Kuroo rolled onto his other side, pinching his nose tightly to stop the blood flow. “What do you care?” Kuroo muttered, sitting up. “What did it matter if I was with him or not?!”

“You were supposed to go to a university!” Hiro screamed. “You were smart enough to get into _any_ uni that you wanted. But then you went and dated that Kozume garbage. Nobody wants to hire a gay lawyer! So I told him to break it off with you so that you could get over that stupid stage in your life and maybe find a woman, or stay single. Whatever.”

Kuroo’s head was fuzzy from the pain in his nose, but the rage within him was overcoming all of his sense. “So…you did it because you were worried I wouldn’t be able to provide for you? Even though I _told you_ that I would _make sure_ you two were well off after I graduated from college?”

“Your word means nothing. You wouldn’t be able to support us if that _thing_ were still in your life.”

Kuroo wanted to fight him. He wanted to beat his face in and send him to the hospital. Instead, he took a deep breath and laughed quietly. “Yeah. And now look at me.” he stood up, wiping some of the blood off on his jeans. “I didn’t go to school, _and_ I didn’t stop being gay. You failed. And the funny thing is, it’s all your fault. If you would have just let me live _my fucking life,_ everything would be different.”

His father lifted his fist to punch him again, but Kuroo dodged it, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back. He then forced him to the wall, pushing up on his arm so that it was pinned tightly between them.

“I could dislocate your shoulder right now.” Kuroo hissed. “I don’t care that you’re my father.” He shoved it up a little more, and his father yelped in pain. “You put me through so much shit when I was younger. And I dealt with it so that I wouldn’t get taken away from Kenma. But you took him away from me anyways. I have no emotional connection to you. You’re nothing to me.” he let go of his father and turned to leave, barely glancing at his mother, who kept her eyes down. “You’re just as bad as he is.” he spat at her as he passed.

He made it to the front door and reached down for the doorknob. His mother’s voice sounded quietly behind him.  “Things would have been better if you wouldn’t have been born.”

Kuroo smiled widely and looked over his shoulder at her. “Yeah. You’ve said that so many times to me that it no longer has an impact. Have a good life.”

With that, he was out the door, making his way to the nearest train station.

 

* * *

 

 

Kuroo had three more stops before he had to get off and walk the four blocks to the library. He was sitting right across from the doors, so everybody walking in got a good look at his bruised and bloody face.

A girl walked in and smiled at him, taking a seat right next to him.

“That looks like it hurts.” She said, cocking her head. She had vibrant purple hair that cascaded down over her shoulder, and Kuroo figured that if he were here under different circumstances, he would be flirting with her. She was _cute._

“Mm.” Kuroo grunted. “Probably looks worse than it feels, to be honest.”

“Ooohh, you’re _so_ tough.” She rolled her eyes with a smile and pulled a black and white handkerchief out of her back pocket. She then dipped a corner of it into her water bottle and handed it to Kuroo.

“I don’t want to get that all bloody.” He protested, folding his arms over his chest.

She sighed and gently pressed it against his nose. He flinched and grabbed her wrist, pushing it away.

“Well look, it’s already soiled. Now you _have_ to take it.” She grinned sheepishly.

Kuroo chuckled and took it from her, pressing it back against his nose.

“So, what happened? Did someone mug you on the street?” she asked, crossing her legs. “You don’t look like someone who would be mugged so easily.”

“Nah.” He shrugged. “I uhh…got into a fight with my dad.”

“Ooohh.” She said awkwardly. “That’s…yeah. That’s awful. I’m sorry.”

“He’s garbage.” Kuroo informed her. “He attacked my boyfriend first.”

“Well then, I hope you left him in worse condition than you are.”

Kuroo smiled. “No. But that’s fine. I think I still got the point across.”

“That’s good.” She looked down at her phone. “So where’s your boyfriend now?”

Kuroo shook his head. Why was she so curious about this stuff? Better yet, why was he telling her all of this private information? “He’s at work, actually. I’m going there to see him now.”

“He’s going to freak out when he sees you like this. I know I would.”

“Well I hope not, he works in a library. That would draw far too much attention than he would deem necessary.”

She froze, and Kuroo looked down at her.

“You don’t mean…Kenma?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow at him.

Kuroo’s heart skipped a beat. “Uh, well…how did you…?”

“I go to that library a lot. And I see him at the therapy office sometimes. I didn’t know he had a boyfriend…” she trailed off. “My name’s Ito. It’s nice to meet you.” She held out her hand.

“Kuroo. Tetsurou.” He looked at his own hands, which still had traces of dried blood all over them. She seemed to understand, and put her hands back in her lap.

“I didn’t know that he was attacked.” She said weakly. “I only really became acquainted with him yesterday…did it happen last night? Is he okay?” she asked, worry in her voice.

“Ah. Well, this was a long time ago.” Kuroo confided. She relaxed in her seat. “I just finally found out that it was my dad who did it.”

“You mean Kenma didn’t tell you?”

Kuroo shook his head, still wondering why he was telling this girl anything. “No. Actually…we broke up a year ago. So technically, we’re not dating. But…”

“But you still love him.” She finished for him.

“Yeah.” He replied quietly. “Yeah, I do.”

She smiled sweetly, and the train jerked to a halt. “This is where you get off, then.” She told him. “You know how to get there?”

He nodded and stood up. “It was nice to meet you, Ito.”

“You too, Tetsurou. I’ll see you around.”

Kuroo stepped off of the train and looked back over his shoulder, giving her a small wave.

It only took him a few minutes to get to the library, which he quietly entered through the front. There was a bathroom at the end of the hall, so he used to quickly wash the blood off of his hands and face.

He dried his hands and wondered whether or not the handkerchief would be salvageable. He decided he could buy Ito a new one and tossed it into the garbage.

He made his way down the other end of the hall, taking a sharp turn at the corner. Just as he did so, another person was rounding the same corner from the other side, and they collided, the smaller person nearly falling to the floor if not for Kuroo’s speedy reflexes.

“Sor…” the man said, looking up at Kuroo. His eyes widened, and Kuroo grinned, taking a small step back once Kenma was steady.

“Sorry.” Kuroo said, his heart racing within his chest. “I should watch where I’m going.”

Kenma felt like he might throw up. What the hell was Kuroo doing here? How did he find him here? And why was his face all bruised and cut open?

“So…” Kuroo breathed out, running his hand through his hair. “Can we…talk?” he asked, studying Kenma intently. He had grown about an inch, but he was thinner than ever. His hair looked clean, but it hung in dull strands that grazed the top of his shoulders, the blonde only covering the tips. Despite his rough looking appearance, Kuroo’s heart leaped into his chest. He was till the most beautiful man Kuroo had ever laid eyes on.

“No.” Kenma said simply, pushing past Kuroo, who raised his eyebrows in surprise. At least his bluntness hadn’t changed.

“Why not?” Kuroo asked, following close at Kenma’s heels.

 _“What the fuck what the fuck what the **fuck.**_ ” Kenma thought, speeding up his pace. He needed to get to the bathroom. He needed to get way from Kuroo.

“Please don’t run away from me, Kenma, you know it’s just a waste of your energy.” Kuroo complained, reaching forward to rest his hand on Kenma’s shoulder.

“Don’t _touch_ me!” Kenma turned and shoved Kuroo away. “Don’t talk to me. Don’t look at me. Just. Go. Away.” He spat bitterly.

“You don’t really mean that.” Kuroo raised an eyebrow. “You don’t really mean to push me away.”

“I do too!” Kenma yelled, shoving him again. “I don’t want anything to do with you _ever._ ” He sped to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

Kuroo stood motionless for a moment, his hand resting on his chest where Kenma’s hands had made contact.

He couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever. But if Kuroo confronted him again, would it get them anywhere? Could he actually get through to his ex-boyfriend, or was all of this really for nothing?

He let out a deep breath and walked silently towards the exit. Maybe now wasn’t the right time after all.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! What a cliffhanger, eh? Just wait till the next chapter ;)
> 
> I just wanted to take a second to thank you all for reading. Like, really. This is the biggest fic I've ever written, and I have received so much kind words from many of you. I know that the plot may be a bit faulty at times, and that the timeline is soooo fucked up, but you all look past the flaws and breathe in the good. As of right now, this has almost 2000 hits. 2000! That's like...wow. Anyways, I hope you continue to read, and I also hope you will follow me on tumblr! I would love to be able to chat more with you all, and to be able to answer any questions you may have! It's also a great way for me to keep you up to speed on the chapter updates. Here it is! kuroken-for-the-win.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Here it is...the chapter that a lot of you have been waiting for!!! I hope you like it :)
> 
> I do want to include an extra trigger warning really quick- there is a small mention of suicide, but nothing graphic.

Kenma stared at his washed out reflection in the bathroom mirror. He ran the cold water from the tap and splashed it onto his face, hoping to wake himself up from what _had_ to be a dream. There was no way Kuro was actually here. His mother _promised_ she wouldn’t tell him where Kenma worked. Unless…

Shouyou.

He sighed and stared at his reflection again. His hair was a wreck. He had dark circles under his eyes. His lips were dry and chapped. And his skin was blotchy.

He turned away from the mirror in disgust, his stomach turning slightly. Why did Kuroo have to see him like _this_?

He turned his focus back to the door and pressed his ear against it. It seemed far too silent for Kuroo to be lurking outside, so Kenma took a deep breath and opened it up a crack. When he didn’t see anybody, he pushed the door open even wider and poked his head out all the way.

The coast was clear.

Kenma carefully made his way back to the lobby, keeping an eye out for Kuroo.

When he found that he was, indeed, gone, he sighed in relief.

“ _He sure gave up easily.”_ He thought to himself, taking his place behind the front desk. He had two hours left before he could go home, and there was no side work that needed to be done. It was going to be an extremely long and grueling two hours.

As time passed by, he found it impossible to stop thinking about Kuroo. Why had he travelled an hour to get here, only to give up so easily? Kenma chided himself for feeling this way- he should be _happy_ that Kuroo gave up without a fight. 

The more he dwelled on it, the worse his thoughts became. Kuroo must have only showed up out of pity, and he needed a reason to say “Well, at least I tried.”

But Kuroo’s face was all beat up…so maybe he and Bokuto got into some kind of fight? Or maybe they were just rough housing? Kuroo wasn’t usually excitable, unless he was with Bokuto. The two were like a tornado when they combined.

_Maybe that’s why they fit so well together._

Kenma leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. He needed to get these thoughts out of his head. He needed to get _Kuroo_ out of his head.

But he couldn’t. Kenma wished that he had taken half a second longer to look at Kuroo before he ran to the bathroom. He had only seen him once since they broke up, and that was when he was with Bokuto. Now he was given a second chance, and he blew it.

He thought about the last time they had spoken, when he was in the hospital, and tears pricked at his eyes. There had been an expression of Kuroo’s face that he had never seen before. He still couldn’t quite figure out what that look was. Was it relief? Pain?

“Can I check these out?” a young woman asked from across desk.

Kenma snapped his head up. “Yeah. Sorry.” He mumbled, blinking his eyes rapidly.

She only smiled and handed him her books. “It’s okay. It must get boring working here at night, huh?”

He shrugged and scanned the bar codes on the spine of each book. “It’s not too bad. It’s quiet.”

She nodded and handed him her library card. “For sure. That’s why I love coming here. I have two roommates and they are _always_ causing a commotion. It’s hard to study when there are volleyballs being thrown over your head and pancakes tossed at your back.”

Kenma couldn’t help but let out a rare chuckle. “Pancakes?”

She grinned and put the books into her backpack. “Yeah! They get into these cooking wars that I want _nothing_ to do with but get dragged into anyways.” She slung her backpack over her shoulder. “Well, have a good night! It’s starting to rain outside, so don’t forget your umbrella!” she gave him one more smile before retreating through the hallway door.

Kenma gave a small smile and wave. She was familiar, but just another face that he couldn’t put a name to.

Finally, it was closing time. Kenma grabbed his bag from the office and began to shut off all of the lights in the building. As he got to the exit, he locked the doors and pocketed the keys.

He took a deep breath of the wet, night air, letting it fill his lungs to capacity before releasing slowly. It was refreshing.

“You always did like the rain.” A deep voice resonated from behind him. He turned quickly and saw Kuroo leaning against the wall near the door. His heart bounded in his chest, but he ignored it and started to walk quickly down the sidewalk.

“Why does a library have to stay open so late?” Kuroo asked, following alongside of Kenma. “There were only four people that came here in the past two hours. Seems like a big waste to me.”

Kenma continued to ignore him. Maybe he would go away.

“You know, I’m used to the silent treatment from you.” Kuroo reminded him, wiping the rain off of his face. “And I’m not leaving until you talk to me. So you might as well do it now and get it over with if you want to get rid of me.”

Again, Kenma ignored him.

Kuroo grinned and ran his hand through his wet hair. “I don’t like that you have to walk home in the dark. I mean, it’s only a few blocks to the train station, but…” he glanced down at Kenma, who _appeared_ not to be listening. But Kuroo knew that he was. “You know, I work with a few of those Karasuno guys. The captain and vice-captain. You remember them? Daichi and Suga? They’re real good guys. I thought it was going to be a testosterone battle between Daichi and I, like it always was on the court, but I was wrong.” He continued to ramble. Kenma would give in eventually, Kuroo thought.

He _had_ to.

The station was nearly empty, aside from an elderly man who was asleep on the bench.

Kenma sat on the opposite end, and Kuroo sat in the middle. “I’m surprised, you don’t have your DS?” Kuroo asked, confused. “You always had that thing on you.”

 _“I don’t care about video games anymore.”_ Kenma wanted to say, though he wished he _did_ have it. His phone was dead as well, and he wanted something to preoccupy himself with to avoid conversation.

Kuroo smiled and rested his arm around Kenma on the back of the bench so that he wasn’t actually touching him.

Kenma took a silent deep breath and tucked wet strands of hair behind his ears. The familiar scent of Kuroo’s deodorant filled his nostrils and helped calm him down, but made him anxious at the same time.

“Mom wasn’t the one who told me where you work, by the way.” Kuroo yawned. “She called me this morning and told me to leave you alone.” He hesitated. “She was talking crazy, though. She said that you didn’t want to see me because it would ‘ruin my happiness’ or something.” He scoffed and looked down at Kenma. “You want to elaborate?”

Kenma looked away and clasped his hands in his lap. He could feel the heat of Kuroo’s body leave him as he stood up from the bench and paced to the edge of the veranda, letting the water pool in his hand and drain through his fingers. “Why are you so concerned about my happiness?” he asked quietly. “ _You_ broke up with _me._ You called me disgusting as well. So tell me, why would someone who thinks I’m disgusting be so concerned about my happiness?” he looked back at Kenma, who was still staring off to the side.

Kuroo’s patience was running thin, but he held his cool. “I know it was my dad that bullied you into it.” He muttered. Kenma’s eyes snapped towards Kuroo, who shoved his wet hands into his pockets. Before Kenma could say anything, the train began to pull alongside of them.

Kuroo walked back to the bench and shook the old man awake. “Train’s here.” He mumbled, and the old man opened his eyes lazily, a wide smile forming on his face.

Kenma was frozen to the bench. How did Kuroo find out? Did Coco tell him? Wasn’t that _illegal_?

Kuroo’s hand wrapped around Kenma’s wrist and pulled him from the bench, guiding him towards the train. They sat down on the cool plastic seats, and Kuroo let go of him.

“I wish you would have told me.” Kuroo said quietly. “We could have figured it all out from there, you know? I would have beat the hell out of him for laying a finger on you, and then…gah.” He shook his head and wiped the rain water out of his face again. “I wouldn’t have left you if I knew.”

Kenma’s throat tightened and his eyes burned.

“That’s why you did it though, isn’t it?” Kuroo asked. “That’s why you didn’t tell me about him? Because you were afraid that he would hurt you again, and in turn, hurt me?”

Kenma looked down at his lap and picked at a jagged fingernail.

“Kenma.” Kuroo said softly, soothingly. “This…this is killing me.” he leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. “All of this not knowing. These unanswered questions. It’s eating away at me, and I just…if you’re not going to answer any of my other questions then I just have one. One question that needs answering. That’s all I ask of you.”

Kenma’s eyes flicked up to Kuroo’s, a silent agreement.

Kuroo took a deep breath. “Did you try to kill yourself after you saw me with Bokuto?

Kenma raised his brows in surprise, but Kuroo continued to speak. “I just…really need to know. If it’s my fault.”

 _“That’s all he needed? Was a way to clear his conscious?”_ Kenma thought bitterly. “No.” he answered “It was a long time coming. You and Bokuto had nothing to do with it.”

Kuroo slumped back and sighed in relief. “Thank God. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that it was _my_ fault that the man I love tried to kill himself.”

 _“Wait, what? You’re dating Bokuto. You love Bokuto.”_ Kenma thought. “I don’t understand.”

“Hm?”

“Why are you here?” Kenma asked softly, looking back into his lap. “To clear your name or something?”

Kuroo leaned forward so that he could look at Kenma’s face. “I’m here for a lot of reasons. You make it sound like I only wanted to make sure you were okay for my own benefit. You’re wrong.”

Kenma cocked an eyebrow at him. “Care to elaborate?”

Kuroo grinned and shook his head. “Where do I start?” he chuckled nervously. He had all of these things he wanted to say, but they were all forgotten now that he had the chance to say them. “Well, obviously I wanted to see you. I wanted to see your face. I wanted to hear your voice. And I wanted…I wanted to tell you how sorry I was. How sorry I _am._ For leaving you when you probably needed me the most.” He carefully wrapped his arm around Kenma’s shoulders and pulled him close. Kenma shivered as Kuroo rested his forehead against his temple, and his warm breath whispered against him. “But I really wanted to tell you that I still love you. Some things may have changed, but that’s one that hasn’t. And one that never will.”

Kenma choked back whatever noise was trying to escape his throat, his hand covering his mouth. “Please talk to me. Please let me back into your life. I don’t care if we don’t date or fuck or kiss or cuddle or any of that shit. I just want to be here with you. I know I’m springing a lot on you and maybe you’ll need time to think about things, but I just needed to make sure that you knew that this past year hasn’t changed my feelings about you. Dating Bokuto had no effect on my love for you. We both need time to heal, and I get that…but…let’s take the time to heal _together._ ”

Kenma’s hands dropped back into his lap. “Yeah.” He said quietly.

Kuroo grinned. “Yeah?”

Kenma looked up at him for a second before looking away again. “Yeah. If...if what you're saying is the honest truth...let’s do it. Let's be friends again.”

Kuroo was overwhelmed with happiness. Shock, but happiness. "I don't think you know how amazing it is to me that you say that. I was afraid you might tell me to piss off."

"I still might." Kenma joked, relaxing into Kuroo's hold. "My stop is near..do you...want to come over and talk a little bit more?" he asked against the will of his own conscious.

"Yeah." Kuroo released him "I'd like that a lot."

* * *

 

Masao and Natsumi were already in bed as Kuroo and Kenma locked themselves in Kenma’s room.

 _“What the fucking fuck am I even doing?”_ Kenma asked himself. _“Why did I invite him here? We literally **just** made up...what…”_

“Cozy.” Kuroo smiled as he dropped all of his weight onto Kenma’s bed. “Bigger than your old place, huh?”

“Yeah.” Kenma said simply, sitting in his computer chair.

“You like it?” Kuroo asked, rolling onto his stomach.

“It’s not bad.”

“Mm.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Kuroo figured out a way to initiate their conversation. “So, have you been…seeing anybody?”

Kenma stared blankly at him. “You want to know if I have a boyfriend?”

Kuroo smiled weakly. “Or if you’re interested in anyone.”

“No.” Kenma’s eyes flicked to the ground. “I’m not.”

“That makes this a hell of a lot easier for me then!” Kuroo grinned, resting his chin on his folded arms.

Kenma crossed his legs in the chair. “What about you? How did you and Bokuto…you know.”

“How did we start dating?” Kuroo raised an eyebrow. Kenma nodded. “Well, I was having a shit day at work. Bokuto and I have always been kind of close, you know? He and Akaashi had to break up a while back when he moved to America. And I was still strung up on you. So in a sort of…unknowing agreement, we decided to date. I guess we thought we could use each other to get over our actual lovers.”

“Did it work?” Kenma asked, his interest peaking.

“Did it work?” Kuroo mocked. “Hell no. I think it’s pretty obvious that I can’t get over you. And he can’t get over Akaashi. We actually…we broke up this morning. We both realized that what we were doing was unhealthy and counterproductive. So we just called it quits.”

Kenma looked back down to his lap. “So it was kind of my fault.”

“Uuggghhhh.” Kuroo buried his face in his arms. “No!” he exclaimed, shaking his head. “No." he lifted his head up. "There is no such thing as fault right now. I dated a guy and it didn’t work. We’re still friends. No harm done. If I think something is your fault, I’ll tell you, okay?" 

Kenma nodded. “Fine.”

“Good.” Kuroo sighed. “There's another thing I wanted to ask you. And be completely honest with me. The day that we broke up, did you mean any of those things you said?”

Kenma hesitated, trying to remember his exact words. “I don’t remember what I said…but…I do remember that it was awful. And that it hurt. It hurt both of us.”

“You said a variety of things, but mainly that you were only with me because you thought you had to be. And that I had basically manipulated you into our relationship." he shook his head and smiled. "You were so believable. You even cried.”

“Because I didn’t want to do it, moron. I can’t believe that you fell for it.” Kenma rolled his eyes. “I didn’t _want_ to lose you. But it’s what I thought was best.” Kenma knew it was time. He had to tell Kuroo everything now. He had to come clean. “I was walking home that night, and he came out of nowhere. I didn’t care that he was hurting me, really. I mean, how many years did you take his beatings because you didn’t want to tell someone and risk getting taken away from me? So, in retrospect, it was the least I could do.” He bit his lip. “But I knew it would hurt you. And I knew if I stayed with you, he would come after me again, but it would be worse. And I just…I’m not strong, you know? And I thought he had a point…so that’s why I didn’t tell you about him. Not to mention, I thought that he was right. I wanted you to be able to go to college and have a family and get a good job and I didn’t think that would be possible if you stayed with me.” he finished strong, maintaining eye contact with Kuroo the whole time.

A sad smile pulled at Kuroo’s lips. “ _You_ are my family, Kenma. I don’t want anybody else, and I never have. So let’s…can we…can we start over?” he asked hopefully.

“Start…over?” Kenma repeated.

“Not all the way. I mean…I know we can’t go back to the way things used to be. Too much has happened, too much has changed. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be together again. Maybe not even relationship wise. I know you probably aren’t ready for that. But I…I still want to see you. I still want to be around you and talk to you and watch you play your video games and play with your hair and pick on you and just _be_ with you.”

Kenma nodded in agreement. “You’re right.” He stated. “I’m not ready for a relationship again. But I would…I would really like if we could be friends again.” He looked back into his lap, his fingers fidgeting. “But…you’re really sure you want this? I’m a mess, Kuro. I have to see a therapist twice a week. Soon it will be group therapy. And there’s a good chance that I’m gonna have to take medication if she doesn’t think I’m improving. I don’t play video games anymore. I don’t do _anything_ anymore. I just sleep. I don’t want you to get your hopes up so that I can tear them down.”

Kuroo pulled himself up and sat on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t come here to be friends again purely for _my_ benefit. I want to help you get better. Nobody else knows you like I do.” He got up and walked over to Kenma, kneeling down in front of him. “Nobody can crack a smile on that cute face of yours like I can.” He reached into Kenma’s lap and clasped their hands together. “I don’t think my presence alone is enough to help you recover. But my support definitely can.”

Hot tears formed in Kenma’s eyes as Kuroo tugged him into a tight hug.

“Don’t get your hopes up.” Kenma mumbled into Kuroo’s shoulder. “People have been trying to fix me for a few months with no success.”

“Psh.” Kuroo ran his hand through Kenma’s hair, an ache running through his heart. “I’m not here to fix you remember? I’m here to help you help yourself.”

The familiarity of holding each other struck sadness into both of them. Kuroo didn’t want to let go, and Kenma didn’t want to push him away.

Kenma has missed this. The closeness of another person. Even though he considered himself more of an introvert, he still loved to be held once in a while. And it had been far too long since he had been held by the one person he loved.

Kuroo hit a stroke of nostalgia as well. He had only been with Bokuto, who was considerably larger than Kenma. He missed Kenma’s smallness. And not even the smallness of his figure- the smallness of his presence. How he could be quiet and lax, getting the point across with a minimal amount of words. He could tear Kuroo down without saying a thing, and build him up with only a single look. Kuroo needed that. He didn’t realize it before, but he did. He really needed Kenma.

“Kuro…?” Kenma sounded, feeling almost awkward due to the extended amount of time they were holding onto each other. “I kind of want to get out of these wet clothes and go to bed…”

Kuroo unwillingly pulled away and stood up, a blush running across his cheeks. “Alright. I’ll come visit you again. I work afternoons for the next few days, but we can text and call, and I’ll come see you on my next day off. We’ll do something special.”

Kenma nodded, his own face heating up. “I work nights…and I see Coco on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“Perfect.” Kuroo grabbed his damp hoodie from the floor. “Then I’ll come over again after your therapy session on Tuesday.”

“Umm…Kuro?” Kenma hesitated. “I mean…it’s getting late. You don’t…you don’t have to leave, if you-“

Kuroo grinned and hopped back onto the bed. “Perfect. I wasn’t looking forward to an hour long ride.”

Kenma slid off of chair and began to rummage through his dresser drawers. He then tossed a pair of gym shorts to Kuroo, landing on top of his head. “I think these are yours. They’re huge.”

Kuroo grinned and stood from the bed, stripping shamelessly out of his clothes. Kenma, on the other hand, grabbed a baggy t shirt and some sweats before going to the bathroom to change.

When he returned from changing, Kuroo was already nestled under the blankets, leaving just enough room for Kenma.

Kenma raised an eyebrow. “You can sleep on the floor.”

“What?!” Kuroo exclaimed, pulling the blanket up to his chin. “Don’t throw me on the floor, Kenma, are you trying to screw up my back?”

Kenma approached the foot of the bed and grabbed the blanket, giving it a hard tug. “You act like an old man. You’ll be fine.” He grunted, pulling hard again. “We can’t have a platonic friendship if your morning wood stabs me in the kidneys.”

Kuroo grinned and gave the blanket a yank when Kenma was off guard. Kenma flopped belly first onto the bed, and Kuroo began to jab at his sides, sending him into a tickle fit.

“Kuro!” Kenma exclaimed, flailing helplessly. Kuroo only grinned wider and crawled over Kenma so that he could pin him down.

“Kuro ‘what?’” Kuroo raised an eyebrow, squeezing just under Kenma’s armpit.

Kenma clamped his arms tightly and threw his head back, unable to suppress his laughter. “Stop!”

“Not until you tell me where I’m sleeping.” Kuroo said, reaching behind him to squeeze the ticklish spot above Kenma’s knees.

“The floor!” Kenma cried, tears now beginning to fall down the sides of his face.

“I’m sorry, what?” Kuroo asked again, lifting Kenma’s shirt up slightly to blow raspberries onto his stomach.

“Fine!” Kenma yelled, his fingers twining deeply into Kuroo’s thick hair. “The bed, you can sleep in the bed!”

Kuroo sat back up. “That’s more like it.” He smiled and got up from the bed to turn the lights off as Kenma caught his breath. 

How could Kuroo do that? Just easily slide back into the way things used to be, momentarily ignoring the time that they were apart?

Kuroo returned to the bed and the two of them tucked under the covers, making sure that they weren’t touching one another.

At first, neither of them said a word. Then, Kuroo slid his hand over Kenma’s side, running up to his chest. He scooted closer until his own chest was pressed close against Kenma’s back. “Is this...okay?” he said softly.

Kenma’s heart pounded ferociously. “No…” he said quietly. Kuroo immediately withdrew his hand, embarrassment settling into his gut, but Kenma grabbed it and pulled him back. “This isn’t okay, but….this is the warmest I’ve been in months. So…” he twined his fingers with Kuroo’s. “So just give me time.”

Kuroo grinned and nuzzled his face into Kenma’s neck. “As much time as you need.”

Kenma let out a loose breath. “Do friends do this? Sleep like this, I mean. Maybe _I_ should move to the floor.”

“Kenmaaaaaaa.” Kuroo whined. “We slept like this before we dated, remember?”

“Yeah, but you wanted on me, so I don’t think that counts.” Kenma scolded.

“ _Kenmaaaaa._ ”

Kenma began to wriggle, but Kuroo pulled him tight. It didn’t take long for him to give up. He sighed and leaned back against Kuroo. “You’re so annoying.” He chided, though a smile was on his face.

“I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t.” Kuroo reminded him.

Kenma hummed in agreement, relaxing his body completely against Kuroo's. “ _Having Kuro here probably isn’t the wisest choice"_  he told himself. " _But it sure is a good one.”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Okay! They're together! Kind of! Lol. I feel like it was a bit rushed, but I also don't want to drag this out too long and have get annoying. This is probably the climax of the story, as of right now. The rest is going to be a lot of...getting to know each other again. Learning how to love again. You feel me?
> 
> Anyways, I recently began to take writing prompts on my tumblr! I want to do more one shots and stuff, and not just Kuroken, but like...all of the hq pairings as well. So if you like my style and want to see some more stuff (fluff, smut, whatever) hit me up! kuroken-for-the-win.tumblr.com
> 
> Till next time :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I don't think you understand how happy I am that I actually finished this by the date that I said I would ;-;
> 
> So, this chapter is a little dialogue heavy, but I don't think it's bad. I rushed through it a bit because I'm super excited for the next chapter, sooo...yeah. I hope you enjoy :)

**Kuroo**

Kuroo hadn’t slept this soundly in months. When he woke up, he peeked over the side of Kenma’s face and found him to be still fast asleep. He gently detached himself, tucking Kenma back in to keep him warm before he silently grabbed his t-shirt. After slipping it on, he made his way out of Kenma’s bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him.

He found the bathroom right away and relieved himself, contemplating what he should do next. Masao and Natsumi must have already seen his shoes by the door, so they knew he was here- or at least, they knew _someone_ was here. He could wait until Kenma woke up before he went downstairs to talk to them, but that could be hours.

So he washed his hands and padded down the stairs to greet them on his own.

He peered into the living room where both of them were snuggled together on the couch, talking quietly.

Natsumi smiled up at him, but it was quickly replaced with a frown. “Tetsurou, what in the world happened to your face?”

Masao looked up at him too and raised his eyebrows. “You look like hell, kiddo.”

Kuroo ran a hand through his hair and half-smiled, sitting on the edge of one of the arm chairs. “Yeah, I got into a bit of a tussle yesterday. No big deal, it was my fault anyways.” He shrugged. They didn’t need to know the entire truth. “I’m sorry for intruding on you like this. I…I didn’t expect to stay the night.”

“You’re never intruding in this house.” Natsumi scolded. “I assume that you two are talking again, then?”

Kuroo nodded. “We talked about a lot last night. And I know that there is still a lot more that we need to talk about, but…” he struggled for his words, but he didn’t know what else to say.

“That’s great.” Natsumi smiled again. “I’m so…I’m so happy that you’re back.”

Kuroo nodded. “I am too. I mean, we’re not together. But I’m not leaving him again.”

Masao sighed and stood up from the couch, leaving the room without saying a word.

“Don’t mind him.” Natsumi said. “He’s…bitter that you went against my wishes and approached Kenma. He think that you’ll just leave him again and it will really hurt Kenma.”

Kuroo nodded. “I don’t blame him. I would be pissed at me if I were him too.”

“He’ll get over it. ” She repeated with a shrug. “And he's not really angry about it, per say. He's accepted what's happening, but he's still worried. Once Kenma starts to get better, he will be grateful.”

Kuroo nodded and stood. “I’m actually going to go talk to him. Maybe if he hears the entire story, he won’t hate me as much.” He started to walk towards the kitchen, but Natsumi’s voice stopped him.

“Was it your father, Tetsurou?” she questioned. “Who you fought with, I mean.”

Kuroo turned to face her again. “Uhh, yeah. We were right. It was all his fault.”

She bit her lip. “Well…maybe Masao will change his mind about you if he knows the truth.”

Kuroo followed through the kitchen and out onto the back deck where Masao was sitting in a plush lawn chair.

“Can we talk?” Kuroo asked, sitting in the chair next to him.

“What about?” he asked, flicking ash from his cigarette.

“I know you’re not my biggest fan right now, but I feel like I need to justify myself before you solidify your hatred towards me.”

“Tch.” Masao grunted, inhaling deeply. “I don’t hate you, Tetsurou. You’re like a son to me, you know? I'm just having a hard time with…this.” he waved his hand. “I have a _real_ son that I have to look after. While I don’t doubt that you can help him get better, I think that there is a healthier way to go about it. He loves you. Even now, I know he does. He’ll grow dependent on you, and what happens when you leave him again, hm? Me and Natsumi will have to pick up his pieces again.”

“I would agree with you.” Kuroo said. “But I’m not leaving him again. I love him too. That’s not going to change, you have my word. I don’t know…maybe if you knew the full story.” Kuroo took a deep breath. “I didn’t know it at the time, and I only found out very recently. The person who attacked Kenma and sent him to the hospital before you moved was my father. He didn’t want us to be together for his own selfish purposes. When Kenma broke up with me, I thought it was legitimate, you know? I thought he truly didn’t want to be with me. It didn’t cross my mind that my father had threatened him.”

There was no emotion on Masao’s face as he took a drag. “Is that what happened to your face? You went and confronted him?”

Kuroo nodded. “I did. I went to him before I went to Kenma. He confessed and we go into a fight. So technically, everything that has happened has been my fault. I should have been able to protect him that night. And I should have been able to protect him whenever he hurt himself. And when he…” Kuroo’s throat tightened. “Well, you know. I shouldn’t have listened to him when he broke up with me.”

Masao ground his cigarette in the ashtray on the small table next to him and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and blamed you for it all. I’m just…tired. Of it all. I don’t know what to do and it’s killing me. I’m sure that how you kind of feel now too?”

“Yeah.” Kuroo leaned back in his chair. “I haven’t been around this whole time though, so I can’t even begin to imagine how you and mom must feel.”

He sniffed lightly and looked to Kuroo. “I’ve done a lot of reading on this type of stuff. Depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, self-harming. It’s not easy for me or Natsumi to figure out what to say and what to do and how to help. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but what do you think you can do that we can’t?”

Kuroo’s heart skipped a beat. “I don’t know, honestly. I don’t plan on trying to replace his therapist and try to get him to recover. I just want to be here for him. I don’t know if there’s anything else I can do. I’m hoping that I can make him happy, and he won’t ever want to hurt himself ever again.”

Masao laughed and stretched his legs in front of him, lighting another cigarette. “It’s not going to be easy.”

Kuroo shook his head and chuckled. "Everybody keeps telling me that. I know it won’t be easy. Actaully, this past year hasn’t been easy either. But..." he hesitated, clenching his hands together. "I’d rather have it rough _with_ him than _without_ him.”

Masao smiled. “You really do care about him, hm?”

“Ha!” Kuroo snorted. “I’ve never cared about another person, place, or thing as much as I care about that kid.” He stood up from the chair and stretched his arms above his head.

“Tetsurou…” Masao searched for his words. “I worry about Kenma, but I also worry about you. I don’t want you to think that his health in on your shoulders, but-“

“Don’t worry about that.” Kuroo said sternly. “I…I’m going to carry as much as I can. Whatever baggage he has. I can be strong enough for both of us, until he can support himself. So you and mom don’t have to worry about that. And I promise to keep him as safe as I can.” Kuroo extended his hand to Masao, who smiled and shook it firmly.

“I’m glad to have you back, Tetsurou.” He grinned.

“Yeah. I’m glad to be back.”

As Kuroo made his way through the back door, Masao stopped him one more time.

“Did you kick his ass?”

Kuroo paused in the doorframe. “Sorry?”

“Your dad. Did you get any good hits in?”

“Ah.” Kuroo tapped his finger on the wall. “Not really. Maybe a bruise or two. We grew distant over the past few months, but I think I made it clear that I was cutting them out of my life completely.”

Masao snorted and exhaled a breath of smoke. “Man better hope he never sees me again. I’ll tear him apart.”

“He’s not worth it.” Kuroo mumbled softly. “He’s a twisted piece of work. He would probably enjoy getting a rise out of you.”

He walked back through the kitchen and up the stairs to go back to Kenma’s room. He pushed the door open and peeked in to see Kenma wrapping himself in a blanket.

Kuroo's heart flattered with excitement. How should he react? What should he say? Should he be quiet and curl up next to Kenma or...fuck it, he was going to show his excitement as he always did.

“Good MORNING!” Kuroo yelled, running at the bed and pouncing onto Kenma.

“Uugghh.” Kenma groaned, burrowing his face into a pillow. “Don’t be so loud this early in the morning, Kuro.”

Kuroo grinned and tried to peel the blanket off of Kenma. “Let’s cuddle.”

“Gross, no, go home.” Kenma wiggled away, turning his back to Kuroo.

Kuroo grinned widely and flipped him onto his back, pinning his shoulders down. “I will soon. I have to work tonight. But I wanted to snuggle you a little more before I left.”

Kenma’s eye flicked back and forth on Kuroo’s, examining the purple discoloration on his cheek. He pulled his hand out from under the blankets and rested it gently on Kuroo’s face. “You didn’t tell me how you go this.” he said quietly.

Kuroo leaned into Kenma’s touch, his fingers cool against his warm skin. “Just a little fight. No big deal.”

“Was it Bokuto?” Kenma asked, his expression worried.

“God, no.” Kuroo chuckled and flopped down to rest his head on Kenma’s chest. “He’s a gentle soul, despite his rambunctiousness.”

Kenma hesitated before running his fingers through Kuroo’s course hair. “Did someone try to mug you?” he pressed.

Kuroo bit his lip. He couldn’t lie to Kenma. They made a promise. “I went over to my parent’s house and my dad and I had a disagreement. Same old same old.”

Kenma’s stomach flopped and his heart ached. “You fought about me.” he stated calmly.

Kuroo sat up a little and caught Kenma’s eye. “Don’t.” he raised his brows. “Don’t try to make this all your fault.”

“Don’t try to lie and say it isn’t.” Kenma tested him. “Why did he tell you anyways?”

“I’m not lying.” Kuroo sat up so that he was straddling Kenma’s hips. “He told me because I asked him.”

Kenma propped himself up on his elbows, raising an eyebrow. “And why did you ask him…?”

“Well…I had done a lot of thinking recently. Trying to figure it all out. It was Shorty who told me to rethink it, honestly. He told me about…about what happened, and he said that it was obvious you still cared about me. So, since _I_ still care about _you_ as well, I thought I needed to figure out exactly what happened.”

Kenma’s eyes slid to the side, his cheeks flushing. “How can you still care about me after not so much as speaking to me for a year?”

“I don’t know.” He stated blantantly with a shrug. “I wish I could give you a solid answer. I mean, I thought about you _every single day._ There wasn’t a time where I saw a video game and thought ‘I wonder if Kenma bought that yet.’ I've even had to physically restrain myself from ordering an apple pie for desert whenever I went out with Bokuto because all I did was think of you, and it made me sad.” Kenma was looking up at him now, and Kuroo swung his leg over so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed. “We made so many memories together. I didn’t know what life was without you.” He glanced over his shoulder. “I got a taste of life without you, and it was bitter.”

Kenma pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them tightly. “I…I really do want to make it work.” He said quietly, causing Kuroo’s heart to skip a beat. “I want you back in my life as well.” He reached out and rested his hand on top of Kuroo’s. “If what you’re saying is true, that you do still care about me, and that you want to…be friends again, then I think we should definitely do it.”

Kuroo brushed his thumb over the top of Kenma’s hand. “Good. Like I said last night, we’ll stay in touch. It’s hard with the distance, but…” he bit his lip as Kenma squeezed his hand. “We’ll figure it out.”

Kenma nodded. “I guess you have to be on your way then for work?”

“Yeah.” Kuroo sighed. “Unfortunately.”

A small smile pulled at the corners of Kenma’s lips, and Kuroo had to suppress the urge to kiss him. “Keep your phone charged, okay?” he said, getting up to slide into his jeans. “Your number changed.” He grabbed his own phone from the night stand. “What’s the new one?”

Kenma repeated his digits out loud as Kuroo typed them in quickly.

“Alright. I texted it so you have my number.” Kuroo stated, shoving his phone into his pocket.

“Psh. Like I don’t have it memorized.” Kenma rolled his eyes.

Kuroo grinned, and for an awkward second, had no clue what to do. Should he give him a kiss? A hug? A handshake?

Instead he only winked and grinned wider. “I’ll see you soon then.”

 

* * *

**Kenma**

Kenma had far too much to tell Coco at their next appointment. He knew that he was talking a lot, much more than he normally did, but this is what she wanted. She wanted him to reconnect with Kuroo.

“So…” she began after he finished talking. “How do you feel, then? About having him back.”

Kenma shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m…happy? Because I’ve missed him a lot. But I’m nervous because he still hasn’t seen the worst of me. What if I get really bad, and he realizes he can’t handle it? I don’t want him to think I’m crazy or anything. I don’t want to do anything to scare him off.”

“Do you really think he would do that? After all he told you?”

“I don’t…I don’t know. I’m not who I was before we broke up. So he’s not who he was either. Part of me feels like I’m going to have to get to know him all over again, but another already feels like I know everything.”

“Well, you do. You know, I doubt that he changed as much as you think he did. There may be some minor things, but character-wise, I’m sure he’s still the same. I can’t say for certain, but it’s very likely.”

“He wants to take me out tonight.” Kenma said, readjusting in his seat. “He wants to go see a movie and get dinner.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Nervous.” He admitted. “I haven’t even gone out with a friend in forever. What do I even talk about?”

“Whatever comes to mind.” She said lightly. “It might help to talk about your job, your interests, school, your parents, _anything_. Ask him questions about _his_ life too. Get to know him again. Where does he work, who does he work with, where does he live, what does he do with his free time- just keep it sweet and simple.”

Kenma nodded and looked to the floor. “What if he thinks I’m boring?”

“He won’t.” she comforted. “If he didn’t think you were boring before, he won’t think it now. In all honesty, he’s probably thinking the same thing- what if _you_ find _him_ boring?”

“Not possible.” Kenma scoffed. “It’s impossible to have a dull moment with him.”

“Then you’ll do fine!” she grinned. “You have nothing to worry about.”

Kenma forced a small smile. “I guess you’re right.”

She studied him for a moment. “Kenma, you won’t scare him off. Reverse it for a second. If he were going through what you are going through right now, would you run away, or would you stick by his side?”

“I’m kind of biased, don’t you think? I mean, obviously I know what this is like, so I would definitely stay by him if he were going through it.”

“What about the past you?”

Kenma thought for a moment. “I guess…I wouldn’t want him to be alone. Even if I had no clue what it was like…I wouldn’t be able to leave him to suffer alone.”

Coco smiled “There you have it. I wouldn’t expect him to understand everything right away, but I highly doubt that he will tuck his tail and head for the hills. So please don’t stress yourself out too much about it, okay?”

Kenma nodded. “I’ll try not to.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Kenma was finished with his appointment, he began to walk home, his eyes glued to his phone.

 

**From: Kuro**

            So how was ur appointment?

**To: Kuro**

            Not bad. It went by surprisingly fast.

**From: Kuro**

            Ooooo did u talk about me? ;)

**To: Kuro**

            Gross, why would I do that?

**From: Kuro**

            Because I am beautiful and worth talking about, duh

 

Kenma chuckled and shook his head as he began to type a response.

 

**To: Kuro**

Whatever you need to tell yourself to get by.

 

“Kenma!” a voice called behind him. He turned around and saw a girl with vibrant colored hair running towards him.

“Oh.” He said, stopping to wait for her. “Hey, Ito.”

“Hey!” she grinned. “What’s up?”

“Uhh, just heading home.” He said quietly, beginning to walk again. “What’re you up to?”

“I was looking for you!” she breathed, matching his stride.

“Why?” he frowned.

“Because!” she laughed. “You looked happier today. I was wondering if Kuroo had anything to do with it!”

“How do you…?” he knitted his eyebrows even tighter, looking to the side walk.

“I met him on the train the other night. He told me he was going to see you. To be honest, I was trying to flirt with him, but then he mentioned you and, well…my plan was foiled.”

“You’re not missing out.” he informed her as his eyes flicked over a sad face emoticon that Kuroo had sent. “He’s an idiot with a lame sense of humor and uncontrollable bed head.”

She grinned. “So you _really_ like him!”

Kenma’s face heated up and he didn’t respond, so she continued to talk.

“Anyways, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime?”

“Hang out?” Kenma repeated, taken aback.

“Yeah!” she exclaimed. “I mean…I know we don’t really know each other at all, but I think it would be really nice to get to know you. We could hang out with Kuroo too, if that’s what you wanted!”

In all honesty, Kenma despised the idea of hanging out with someone he barely knew. It made his gut clench just thinking about it. But Ito seemed…desperate? He almost felt bad at her enthusiasm, and it was clear that she really did want to hang out with him. Why, he would never know. Besides, if Kuroo came along too…

“Sure.” He mumbled. “What did you have in mind?”

“Yay!” she grinned, clapping her hands. “I had a few ideas in mind, actually. Do you two like to play video games?”

Kenma’s eyes lit up, but then he looked away. “I used to.”

“Used to?” she asked sadly.

Kenma blushed. “Uh, yeah. I haven’t played any for a long time.”

“Why not?”

“Just haven’t felt like it, I guess.”

She smiled halfheartedly. “Well, I’ll have to change that!” she giggled. “Let’s see…does Friday at seven work for you?”

Kenma took a moment to think about Kuroo’s work schedule. “That works for me…and I think Kuroo works a morning shift, so he would be able to make it as well.”

“Perfect!” she nudged his side. “I’m turning here. Give me your phone number?”

Kenma sounded off his number, then saved her number to his own phone.

“Alright, I’ll see you around!” she waved, and took off down a side street.

**To: Kuro**

            You never mentioned that you met Ito.

**From: Kuro**

            Oooooooo yeah! I forgot about her. You were talking to her? What’d she say? I bet she thinks I’m cute.

**To: Kuro**

            Don’t flatter yourself. She wants to have a gaming night with us on Friday.

**From: Kuro**

            I’m down. We’re still going to the movie tonight though, right?

**To: Kuro**

            Mhm. Why wouldn’t we be?

**From: Kuro**

            Just making sure. I’m excited to see you again J

Kenma’s stomach flopped. How should he respond to that? In the past, he would have probably ignored it, or replied with a green faced puking emoticon. But…the reason Kuroo was so quick to believe the breakup scheme was because he didn’t think Kenma cared for him anymore. He never felt like he had to be cute and flirty with Kuroo since they had known each other for so long. But…would being cute or flirty make Kuroo feel…loved?

His head throbbed. He loved Kuroo. Did he tell Kuroo that when he slept over? Kenma couldn’t really remember. If he didn’t, he _was_ thinking it.

Kenma made it to the front door of his house and shot Kuroo a response before entering.

* * *

** Kuroo **

“So.” Daichi grinned at him from across the bar. “Tonight’s the night you hang out with Kenma, right?”

Kuroo nodded. “It is.”

Daichi clicked his tongue and smiled wider, but said nothing more.

“What?” Kuroo frowned, filling two glasses with Coke.

“Nothing.” Daichi shrugged. “Just…nothing.”

“Ugh.” Kuroo rolled his eyes and delivered the Cokes to one of his tables.

When he got back to the bar, both Suga and Daichi were giggling and smiling at him.

“ _What?”_ Kuroo snapped, setting the the used glasses in the sink.

Suga covered his mouth and laughed. “Kuroo, you’re just so _cute._ ”

Kuroo’s face heated up and he squinted his eyes. “What are you playing at?”

“Well…ever since you saw Kenma, there’s been a skip in your step and a goofy grin on your face. It’s nice to see you so happy.” Suga rested back against the bar. “And every time you look at your phone, you look like you’re going to explode out of happiness. It’s really quite cute.”

“It’s all Kenma’s fault!” Kuroo groaned. “I just…I can’t…I don’t know. I _am_ happy. I’m _extremely_ happy. It’s just weird. Since we’re not dating, there are so many things that I would normally say to him that I can’t say right now. So I end up saying something else, and he’s so good at making me feel like a dumbass, and I have _missed_ that.”

Daichi and Suga exchanged glances. “You missed feeling like a dumbass?”

Kuroo nodded. “Yeah. See, when I’m around other people, like you two, I don’t feel like a dumbass because _you two_ are the dumbasses. But Kenma’s the only person who can make me feel that way, and I love it.”

“Rude!” Suga exclaimed, folding his arms. “We’re not dumbasses!”

Kuroo grinned and turned to go check on his tables again. It was a slow night, but not slow enough for them to let him leave early. And his shift just kept _dragging_ on. Minutes felt like hours, and Kenma’s response time felt like years.

They were discussing Ito now, and Kuroo almost felt a pang of jealousy. Kenma was never one to hang out with others, and now he wanted to hang out with a _girl._ Not that it mattered- Kenma had never expressed any sexual or romantic attraction to women. Even in video games when Kuroo commented to the attractiveness of a female character, Kenma just rolled his eyes. It was completely clear that Kenma had no interest in them whatsoever.

So why was Kuroo feeling jealous…?

He brushed it off. He should be _happy_ that Kenma was making friends. In fact, he _was_ happy. Kenma needed more than just Kuroo.

However, he changed the subject and told Kenma how excited he was to see him. That was platonic, right? Friends said that to each other. It wouldn’t freak Kenma out or anything…right?

Kuroo’s stomach flopped as he peeked at his phone to see Kenma’s response.

**From: Kenma <3 :3**

I’m really excited to hang out with you as well, Kuro.

 

Kuroo's heart rate took off. Kenma could have responded with many other things. “Gross” or “Me too” or “Quit being such a sap” or “You’re an idiot, please don’t say such stupid things” No, he chose to be…cute? Cute-ish? Well, It was only cute because it was Kenma. Coming from anybody else, it would be whatever. And he said he was _really_ excited. Did that mean _extra_ excited, or _truly_ excited? Either way, Kuroo would take it.

But…was Kenma only saying that because he felt like he had to? Kuroo shook his head and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He couldn’t think like that. He _refused_ to think like that again. It was that type of thinking that had gotten them into this mess in the first place. He wasn’t entirely sure if Kenma loved him anymore, but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t here to make Kenma love him again.

He was here to make sure that Kenma loved himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! So yeah, there's obviously still a little hesitation and mild confusion with where their relationship stands, but Kuroo and Kenma and pals again :) I've had some people worrying about Ito's presence, and NO she will NOT be a love interest or a way to cause drama for Kuroken. She is only there because I wanted a female character, and there really aren't a whole lot in Haikyuu with her personality and everything. So don't worry, she's harmless :)
> 
> The next chapter will be posted in two weeks, and it will be Kuroo and Kenma's date night :D  
> As always, give me a follow on tumblr to stay updated and see smutty/fluffy/shippy shit! www.kuroken-for-the-win.tumblr.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello! I'm not going to lie, I don't really care for this chapter. accidentally made it all emotional. But fear not- there will be many cute moments to come :)

Kenma felt like he was going to throw up. He had taken a shower in preparation for their date- no, it wasn’t a date. They were just hanging out. He was just going to dinner and movie with his ex-boyfriend of four years who he still loved and who still loved him and they were just friends and it wasn’t anything more than just a nice platonic evening with a really good friend.

Kenma combed through his damp hair, realizing how long it was getting, It barely grazed his shoulders, and his natural color had grown in a lot. He wished that he had gotten it cut, but there had been so much going on in his life that he completely forgot about it.

He sighed and examined his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He didn’t think he looked that awful today, which took him by surprise, as this past week had been extremely stressful due to Kuroo’s re-entry into his life. Then again, Kenma had also been taking care of himself a little bit better by eating more and re-configuring his sleeping schedule.

His hand dropped down from his hair and rested against his thigh, automatically giving it a gentle rub. Pain surged through his leg and he clenched his jaw shut. Since he hadn’t been spending fourteen hours a day in bed, he had much more time on his hands. Much more time to think. Much more time to _over_ think. And there was really only one way he could truly silence the noises in his head.

How would Kuroo react if he saw those gashes and scars? No, it wasn’t a matter of if- it was a matter of _when._ Kenma wasn’t an idiot. Even if they both agreed that they were just friends, it was _going_ to turn back into a romantic relationship eventually. And then a sexual one. It would be entirely impossible to keep his thighs covered when they had sex.

As lewd as it was, Kenma missed having sex with Kuroo. Like, _a lot._ He didn’t necessarily have a sexual drive as of late, but thinking of sex specifically with Kuroo was enough to get his blood pumping.

But…would he get grossed out and want to leave? Would he find Kenma completely repulsive and decide that he no longer wanted to do anything?

Kenma shook his head and rubbed his eyes until he saw stars. None of that was relevant right now anyways.

“Kenma?”

Kuroo’s sudden appearance caused Kenma to jump and grab at his chest. “Kuro. You scared me.”

“Sorry.” Kuroo grinned, leaning up against the doorway. “It looked like you were crying.”

Kenma tucked his hair behind his ear and folded his arms. “You’re early.” He changed the subject, pushing past Kuroo to get back to his bedroom.

“Ah.” Kuroo followed. “Yeeeeah.” He sat down in Kenma’s computer chair in front of the desk. “I got too anxious just sitting at home, so I took the early train.”

Kenma grabbed his wallet from his dresser and froze when he realized that he had left his journal wide open on the desk. He whipped his head around, but Kuroo was looking at him rather than where the journal was lying.

“Anxious for what?” Kenma asked with a deep breath, pocketing his wallet.

Kuroo leaned back and clasped his hands together across his abdomen. “I was worried that you might change your mind at the _literal_ last minute.” He smirked. “So I wanted to get here early to make sure you didn’t.”

Kenma rolled his eyes. “How many times have I _actually_ done something like that?” he questioned.

“Ha!” Kuroo threw his head back. “Too many times to count. Not that I mind, though.” He cocked his head. “Whether we went out or stayed in, it didn’t matter to me. Cuz’ I got to stay with you.”

“You’re such a sap.” Kenma mumbled while trying to hide his flustered cheeks by digging in his closet for a hoodie.

“I’ve heard that befoooorrree.” Kuroo chimed in a sing song tone, spinning around and around in the chair. “What’s good for food around here, by the way?”

Kenma slid a black hoodie on and shook his head. “I have no idea, actually. I don’t usually eat out.”

“Uuugghhhh.” Kuroo groaned, pulling out his phone. “I was so preoccupied with picking out the movie that I forgot to look at the restaurants around here.”

Kenma bit his lip. Why had he just _assumed_ that Kuroo would make all of the plans? “Sorry, I should have-“

“How about this one?” Kuroo cut him off, holding out his phone. “It’s not too far from the movie theater!”

Kenma stepped forward and took Kuroo’s phone, his heart thumping in his chest as their fingers grazed against each other. “It doesn’t look bad.” Kenma shrugged, handing it back.

“Cool. It’s not too long of a walk, either.” He stood up and stretched, his fingertips almost touching the ceiling. Kenma was able to check him out quick before turning away. He was wearing dark wash jeans and a red and black flannel with a white tee shirt underneath. On his feet were a pair of old, worn out Converse. And he looked _really_ good. Maybe it was just because Kenma wasn’t used to seeing him anymore, but Kuroo just looked more attractive now than he ever had.

Kuroo grinned when he saw Kenma staring at him, and Kenma blushed and looked away. “You like what you see?” he asked, putting a hand on his hip and posing.

“You’re such an idiot.” Kenma grumbled, making his way through the bedroom door.

“I know.” Kuroo said simply, following behind him

They trampled down the stairs, and with a quick farewell to his parents, they were out the door.

It was cool out, but the sun was still shining above them. Kuroo’s long, slow strides matched Kenma’s quick, short ones, and they were totally in synch.

Kuroo could tell something was off with Kenma from the moment he saw him, though he couldn’t pinpoint what that was. He was his usual quiet self, but seemed much more…on edge? And it seemed to be more than just being nervous because of their…date. Hangout. Whatever.

He knew he needed to talk in order to keep Kenma calm. “So…” he sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “What did Ito have to say about me?” he asked, flashing a small smile.

“Pff.” Kenma scratched his head. “She said you’re an idiot and that she feels bad that I have to hang out with you tonight.”

“Don’t say such things!” Kuroo gasped jokingly.

Kenma’s mouth pulled up into a small smile. “She wants to play video games with us this Friday, I guess.”

“I only work until four, so I’m free to do it. What time?”

“Seven.”

Kuroo nodded. “Yeah, that gives me plenty of time to go home, shower, and then meander over here. You don’t work at the library?”

“No, I have Fridays off.”

“Wonderful.” Kuroo rubbed his hands together. “Hope that kid is ready to get _slayed_ with us playing against her. Wait…” Kuroo frowned as they came to an intersection. “How old is she, anyways?”

“I have no clue. I think she might be your age, actually. I never saw her in any of my classes in third year.”

“Ah.” Kuroo clicked his tongue as they crossed the street. “How did that go, by the way? Your third year?”

Kenma bowed his head a little. “It went…alright.”

Kuroo raised an eyebrow and nudged Kenma’s arm. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it.” Kenma defended. “I mean…I don’t want you to think that I’m keeping things from you.”

“Psh. If it hurts to talk about, then I don’t want you to. Until you’re ready to talk about _anything_ in your past, I’ll wait.”

“I…” Kenma picked at the fraying sleeves of his sweatshirt. “I didn’t make any friends.” Kenma admitted.

Kuroo’s heart dropped. “You don’t have to-“

“No, I should.” Kenma cut him off. “There’s a lot I haven’t talked about, even with Coco. So…it would be good for me to do it, right?”

Kuroo couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be.”

“Alright.” Kenma took a deep breath. “Well, the last year of my second year wasn’t so bad. I avoided everybody, and they avoided me. When winter break came around, I spent a lot of time just sitting inside and playing video games. I think that’s when I started to…decline?” he could feel his anxiety kicking in, and his hands clammed up. “I didn’t make any friends in my third year. I started to have a lot of trouble with…motivation and all that. I think that’s when the depression really started to sink in. Mom and Dad couldn’t get me out of bed for school. They knew I wouldn’t be able to graduate, so they got me into online classes. I completed all of those way ahead of time because my parents really pushed me. The doctors were all recommending counselling and medications, and I just…I didn’t know when else to do. So I guess that’s when I…” he hesitated, his heart beating rapidly, not sure how to say what he needed to say.

“I know what happens after that.” Kuroo said softly, walking a bit closer to Kenma so that their arms bumped together. “So you are going to graduate this year then? Will you be able to walk with your class and everything?”

Kenma nodded. “Yeah, I can. Not that I really want to, but…”

“You’ll regret it if you don’t.” Kuroo chided.

“I know, I know.” Kenma huffed. Kuroo wasn’t the first one to patronize him about it. “What about you?” he changed the subject. “What happened…after I left Nekoma?”

“Ah. Well…” Kuroo shrugged. “I lost my touch as a captain to be honest. But I wasn’t needed for tournaments, so I was just kind of there to make sure that Fukanaga could get a grasp on being captain.”

“Fukanaga is the captain?” Kenma frowned.

“Yeah. I mean, I was _going_ to nominate you.” He teased. “Fukanaga stepped up to the plate though, and from what I hear, everything is going pretty smoothly.”

“That’s good I guess.” Kenma replied.

“This is it!” Kuroo exclaimed, nudging Kenma’s arm. They crossed the street quickly and entered the building.

To Kenma’s relief, it was relatively empty. Kuroo requested a booth, and then stated that he wanted a quiet one, so they were seated in a back corner.

The lighting was dim as they sat across from each other and the waiter set glasses of water in front of them.

After they placed their orders, Kenma cleared his throat. “So…why didn’t you go to college?”

Kuroo sipped his water and smacked his lips. “I didn’t want to go.”

“I don’t believe you.” Kenma scowled. “You put so much time and effort into those prep classes. I don’t believe that you would just decide not to go.”

“It just didn’t feel right.” Kuroo defended. “I’ll still go, I’m sure. Maybe next year. Universities are practically begging me to come to their colleges.” he folded his arms on the table and leaned onto them. “I wasn’t ready for that step yet.”

“You’re sure it had nothing to do with the breakup?”

“Kenma…” Kuroo cleared his throat. “I never really cleared this up totally with you, but I wasn’t going to go to college right away anyways. I was going to wait for you to graduate so that we could go to together.”

“I was never even sure I was going, though.” Kenma raised an eyebrow.

“Well, then I would have still gone. But you could have come with me.”

Kenma shook his head and smiled a little. “You’re always so sure that I’ll follow wherever you go.”

Kuroo laughed. “Because it’s true! You almost moved in with me, remember? I didn’t even have to ask. You told me your parents were moving and that we were going to have to find a place together. You didn’t even give me a say in the matter. Not that I needed one.”

Kenma blushed and took a sip of his water. “I’m pretty sure you’re the one who said you’d rent a place out and invited me to stay with you.”

“Kenma!” Kuroo lightly kicked his shin. “Don’t act like you didn’t want to move in with me.”

Kenma’s heart sank. Did Kuroo truly think he felt that way? “Yeah.” he said quietly. “I was looking forward to living with you. If only…”

“It’s in the past.” Kuroo cut him off. “Besides, I’ve kind of been thinking a little bit. I don’t have anything tying me down back at my place. So…what if I found an apartment closer to you?”

“No.” Kenma said quickly. “No, that’s…you don’t need to do that.”

“But then I’ll be closer to you-“

“I don’t want you to quit your job and find a new place to live just because of me, Kuro.” Kenma said sternly. “We’ll just keep doing what we’re doing.”

“Okay, okay.” Kuroo threw up his hands. “It was just an offer anyways.”

The waitress brought them their food and they began to eat in silence.

Kuroo nudged Kenma under the table. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.” Kenma replied quickly, as he was wondering the same thing. “No, Kuro, I’m not mad. I just…I don’t want us to jump into anything that we may or may not be ready for. We…we still don’t know what the future holds.”

Kuroo’s gut churned, but he smiled. “I’m with you. I understand. I don’t think we should rush into something we’re not ready for, either.”

Kenma smiled up at him. “I’m really happy we can be this honest with each other.”

Kuroo nodded. “Me too.”

They finished eating their meal, and Kuroo gently patted his belly. “You have room for pie?”

Kenma’s face lit up. “I always have room for pie.” He smiled shyly, and Kuroo’s heart felt like it might burst right out of his chest.

After a few bites, Kuroo noticed that Kenma did not, in fact, have room for pie.

“I can’t finish it.” He whined, shoving the plate towards Kuroo. “You eat it.”

“Kenma!” Kuroo exclaimed. “You know, you barely ate half of your meal.”

“I’m full.”

Kuroo was about to scold him, but he stopped short. He didn’t want to chastise him for something that was out of his control. “You’re sure you’re full?” Kuroo asked, pulling the plate closer to him.

“Entirely.” Kenma assured him. “This is actually the most I’ve eaten in a while, to be honest.”

“How come?” Kuroo asked, his mouth full of pie. “Are you just…not hungry?”

Kenma shrugged. “It’s not so much as that as it is just forgetting to eat. Um…” he looked down into his lap and fiddled with his sweatshirt pocket. “Since I started working back at the library, my sense of time is coming back. So now that my body is getting back into a schedule, I’m trying to train myself to eat and sleep at the appropriate times. I’m…I’m really trying to get better.” He finished, clearly flustered.

“You…you’re amazing..” Kuroo replied, licking his fork clean of all apple residue.

Kenma frowned up at him. “What makes you think that?”

“Well, I’ve _always_ thought it. But even more so now. There’s just…there’s a lot that seems to go with this recovery thing. And it’s only been a month since that incident, and you’re already back at work. You’re already taking better care of yourself. You’re already back to talking to old and new friends. And, I mean, the most important one is that you haven’t tried to do it again. Right?”

Guilt washed over Kenma. “I haven’t tried to kill myself again, no.”

Kuroo studied Kenma. What kind of face was that? Why did he look so ashamed? “What’s with that look?” Kuroo asked. “I’m not here to scold you, Kenma. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Kenma thought about the wounds on his thighs, and whether he should bring that up. Instead, he brushed Kuroo off. “It’s embarrassing. Let’s just leave it at that. We should go, doesn’t the movie start soon?”

Kuroo nodded and fished out his wallet. Even though it bothered him, he wouldn’t push Kenma to talk about everything on his mind. If Kenma wasn’t ready to talk, he would wait. He would wait as long as it took.

 

* * *

 

 

When they got to the movie, the found that they were the only two in the theater, aside from a few teenagers in the very front row.

They claimed two seats in the far back.

“I hope you didn’t pick another lame movie.” Kenma grumbled.

“Of course I didn’t!”

“The movie is about to start and the theater is practically empty.”

“It’s Thursday night, Kenma. Cut me some slack.” He elbowed him in the arm. “Besides, just because it doesn’t have a lot of viewers doesn’t mean it’s not a good movie.”

“Fair enough.” Kenma sighed, settling back into his chair.

As the previews played, Kuroo leaned over and asked, “You remember the last time we were in the movie theater together?”

Kenma’s face immediately turned dark red. “We don’t have to talk about that.”

“We don’t have to _talk_ about it, but I’ll definitely be _thinking_ about it. Best. Blowjob. _Ever_.” He grinned.

“Shut up.” Kenma hissed, pulling his knees up onto the chair with him.

Kuroo had missed embarrassing Kenma like this. It was one of his favorite past times. “You know, I never got to repay the favor.” Kuroo winked, pushing up the arm rest that separated them.

“Yeah, well, at this rate, you never will.” Kenma threatened, and Kuroo had to hold back a laugh.

“You’re so cute when you get all flustered.” Kuroo said, slouching down in his seat.

“Why do you get so flirty and horny as soon as the lights go off?” Kenma whispered, his knees still pulled up to his chest. “It’s weird.”

“Is it really?” Kuroo drawled, folding his hands across his abdomen. “I don’t know. Maybe I got so used only being able to touch you when it was dark?”

Kenma rolled his eyes. “That’s no excuse.” He muttered, readjusting himself in his seat.

Was he moving…farther away from Kuroo? _“Did I ruin it?”_ Kuroo asked himself as the movie began to play. His mind started to race- had he gone too far? Was Kenma completely turned off even just by speaking of their past sexual relationship? They had already established that they were going to remain friends and nothing more than that, but was it wrong to _talk_ about that kind of stuff as well?

Kenma could tell that Kuroo was over thinking. Well, he _had_ come off a lot more bitter and rude than he wanted to. But that’s how he always was. And it never seemed to bother Kuroo before.

But things were different now.

“Kuro.” Kenma said quietly, letting his feet drop back down to the floor. “I’m cold.”

“You want my flannel?” Kuroo asked, beginning to unbutton it.

“No.” Kenma replied, scooting closer to Kuroo, whose arm automatically wrapped around Kenma’s shoulders.

Kuroo’s heart beat heavily in his chest. So he was wrong- Kenma wasn’t upset with him. God, why did he have to confuse himself?

As the opening credits rolled through, Kenma could feel something stirring inside of him, crawling up through his stomach and resting in his chest. At first, he thought that it would stop. But then it didn’t, and a full on anxiety attack plagued him. He curled himself against Kuroo, relying totally on the larger man’s strength to keep him from sliding off of the seat. As the movie played, he tried to focus on his breathing. In fact, he was so focused on that, that he forgot to pay attention to the plot.

Not that it mattered. He could tell it was awful.

“Kuro…” he nuzzled his face a little bit more into Kuroo’s chest, swallowing hard down his dry throat.

“Yeah?”

“This movie sucks.” He rasped.

Kuroo groaned. “I know. I’m sorry. Do you want to leave? I can bring you home early.”

“No.” Kenma sighed. He needed to move his focus to Kuroo. These breathing exorcises weren’t helping anything. He swung one leg over Kuroo’s lap. “Does this…bother you?”

“Does what bother me?”

“Being this close.”

“Of course not.” Kuroo scoffed, giving Kenma a light squeeze. “Kenma, I thought I established this- I love you and I want to be as close to you as you’ll allow.”

Kenma smiled into Kuroo’s chest, breathing in his cologne. His heart was sky rocketing, and he thought that he was going to pass out. But the scent was comforting. “I missed being this close to you.” He whispered.

Now it was Kuroo’s turn to be embarrassed. “I’ve missed this too.” He said, resting a hand on Kenma’s inner thigh.

Kenma held back a flinch. “You should…stay over again tonight.” He asked wistfully.

“Is that okay?” Kuroo asked, concerned. “I don’t want to push any more boundaries-“

“I really want you to stay over tonight, Kuro.” Kenma said quickly. If Kuroo didn’t stay over tonight, he would have no distractions. He would end up hurting himself again.

Kuroo could tell that something was wrong. Kenma was starting to shake slightly, and it felt as though he were inadvertently trying to get affection from him. A distraction? “Is everything okay?” Kuroo asked, trying to get a look at Kenma’s face.

Kenma’s throat began to close up, and his eyes were growing hot with tears. God, of all times, why did _this_ _feeling_ have to hit him right now? He swung his legs off of Kuroo and tried to pull away, but Kuroo held him back, forcing Kenma to look him in the eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, resting a hand on the side of Kenma’s neck.

“I don’t…I don’t know.” Kenma sputtered, and tears began to flow down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I don’t know. God, I knew it was coming but I thought I could stop it.”

Kuroo wasted no time. He grabbed Kenma’s hand and they quickly made their way to the emergency exit that was only a few feet away from them. It came out to a dark hallway, and Kuroo squeezed Kenma’s hand even tighter as they walked down it.

Once they were outside and the cool air welcomed them, a sob escaped Kenma’s throat. He tried to muffle it with his free hand, but Kuroo still heard it.

Kenma felt so stupid. Would Kuroo be ashamed? Would he be embarrassed to be around him? What would they have done if there had been more people in the theater? Would he change his mind and go home and decide to cut him off and never see him again-

Kuroo pulled Kenma into his arms and held him while Kenma continued to cry. He tried to stop them- he tried to stop the tears, but it was a useless attempt.

Kuroo ran his hand through Kenma’s hair, trying to relax him as best as he could. This used to calm him down in the past, but he’d never had it this bad before.

When Kenma was finished crying, neither of them said anything. They just stood there for a little while longer, holding onto each other like their lives depended on it.

“Kenma?” Kuroo asked, trying to get a good look at his face. “What…what just happened?”

Kenma didn’t know what to say. The anger he felt towards himself began to bubble up inside of him, and he started to take it out on Kuroo. He pushed Kuroo away. “It’s exactly what it looked like.” He wiped his face, beginning to walk away. Kuroo grabbed him by the upper arm and jerked him back.

“Seriously?” he asked, impatience reeling into his voice. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know, Kuro!” Kenma yelled. “It just…it just happens! I won’t even have a reason! That’s what anxiety is, that’s what a panic attack is. They’ll come out of nowhere, even if I’m feeling great. It’s like my brains way of saying ‘oh you’re happy now, huh? Let me remind you of how shitty you actually are!’ So I don’t know. I don’t know, Kuro.”

“So let’s _talk_ about it.” Kuroo said calmly, grabbing Kenma’s hand. “Don’t try to walk away from me. It’s okay, you know. I know you’re thinking that I will think less of you now, but I don’t. I promise. I just…I want to _be_ here for you, babe. I want to help you so that kind of thing stops happening to you.” Tears started to flow down Kenma’s face again, but this time, Kuroo wiped them away gently. “I wonder…how many tears have fallen that I could have caught?”

Kenma shook his head and sniffed. “That’s not something you need to dwell on.”

“No, but…seeing you like this…it makes me angry. But it makes me even angrier knowing that it’s basically my fault that this is happening.” 

“Stop.” Kenma said, shoving Kuroo’s hand away. “Don’t ever say things like that. It’s not…you aren’t at fault for my flaws, okay?”

Kuroo nodded. “I know.” He reached back and grabbed Kenma’s hand. “Let’s go home.”

Kenma nodded, holding onto Kuroo’s hand as they walked down the dark alley. However, as soon as they were on the street, Kenma pulled his hand away. Kuroo didn’t let it bother him- that’s how Kenma had always been.

“So…what are you supposed to do? When you feel a panic attack coming, I mean.”

Kenma shrugged. “I don’t know, to be honest. I just…try to regulate my breathing. Just focus on getting my heart rate back to normal. Obviously it’s not working.” He grumbled.

“Well…I’ll help you. I can find something that will help calm you down.”

“Don’t take it upon yourself.” Kenma said quietly. “I’m not your responsibility.”

“Well no, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to help you.” Kuroo sighed. “I’ll think of something. I promise.”

“I just don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Kenmaaaaa.” Kuroo moaned. “You never have been and never will be an inconvenience to me. Okay?”

Kenma nodded. “If you say so.”

“I _know_ so. And if you are, I’ll tell you. Everything is out on the table for me. I’m not hiding from you ever again.” Kuroo admitted, wrapping an arm around Kenma’s shoulders. “Are you cold?”

“We’re almost home.” Kenma reminded him, though he was grateful for the moment of heat that Kuroo’s body provided before he removed his arm.

“Just making sure.” Kuroo hummed.

When they got to the Kozume residence, Kenma entered first. They both slipped their shoes off, said a quick hello to Natsumi and Masao, and retreated up to Kenma’s bedroom.

“You wanna take a bath?” Kuroo asked, stripping his sweatshirt off. “I can go get the water running for you, if you want.”

“I don’t want one.” Kenma muttered, dropping onto his bed. He was exhausted.

“Suit yourself.” Kuroo shrugged, flopping down next to Kenma. “Snuggle me.” he whined, burrowing his face into Kenma’s neck.

A mixture of irritation and happiness flowed through Kenma. “Gross, no. Why don’t you go take a bath, you stink.”

“Kenma!” Kuroo gasped, his jaw dropping. “I’ll have you know, I showered right before I left so that I would be fresh for you.”

“And yet your hair still looks like you had rolled out of bed after falling asleep while it was still wet.”

“Kenmaaaaaa!” Kuroo whined again, pulling him into his arms. They lay like that for a while, just listening to each other’s breathing.

“Are you getting tired?” Kuroo asked, gently rubbing Kenma’s back.

“Not really.” Kenma murmured.

“Me either.”

A small frown pulled at Kenma’s brows. “What are you-“

“I wasn’t suggesting anything.” Kuroo said quickly. “I was just wondering if there was something you’d rather do than just lay here. Which I’m totally fine with. I just like being around you, but I don’t want you to be bored.”

“I know.” Kenma pulled away and sat up. “I don’t want you to be bored either, though.”

Kuroo folded his hands across his abdomen. “We’ve never really had this issue before, you know? Where we don’t know what to do or how to act. Everything used to be second nature to me, but now…”

“It’s like walking on eggshells around me. I know.” Kenma rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Kuroo replied, sitting up. “I meant that a lot of time has passed and it’s like we’re getting to know one another all over again, but we already _do_ know each other so well, so it’s just… a clusterfuck.”

“Well…what would we be doing if none of that had ever happened?” Kenma asked. “When we were together, I mean.”

Kuroo smiled and shrugged. “I don’t know.” He reached out and ran his fingers through Kenma’s hair, gently rubbing at his scalp. “We would probably be curled up together right here, and I would watch you play your video games.” Kenma eyes began to close as he leaned into Kuroo’s touch. “And then you would start to fall asleep, and I would pluck the game out of your hands.” He pulled Kenma forward into his arms. “And then you would probably pass out shortly after, and I would focus on matching my breathing to yours so that it would help me fall asleep as well. And for the entire night we would be totally in synch. Like we always are.”

Kenma sighed deeply. “Do you think we can ever be like that again?”

Kuroo’s deep laugh vibrated through his chest. “No doubt in my mind.”

“What…” he hesitated “what will it take?”

“I wish I could say.” Kuroo laid back so that they could relax. “Kenma…were you…satisfied with our relationship?”

Kenma’s heart skyrocketed and he pulled away, propping himself up on his elbow. “Of course I was. Why would you even ask that?”

“Because I need to know what to change. Because I want to be the best that I can for you. And if it’s not good enough, then I want to keep trying and trying until I am.”

Kenma rolled his eyes and flopped back down. “I can’t believe that you would think you’re not good enough for me. It’s… definitely the opposite way around. It’s not that you ever made me feel like I wasn’t good enough…it’s just that I care about you so much that I want you to be happy. Even if it’s without me. Even if it hurts.”

“Come on.” Kuroo glared. “You always make me happy, Kenma. I wouldn’t stay with you if I weren’t happy with you. I love to be around you. I love _you_. I will tell you that as many times as I have to until you fully understand that I _truly_ love you. Where else am I going to find a cute introvert who can match my sass and isn’t afraid to call me out? Nowhere. Because I’ve already found one, and I’ve already fallen in love with him. Countless times, I may add.”

Kenma blushed. “What does that mean, ‘countless times’?”

“I didn’t just fall in love with you when we were younger.” Kuroo ran his hand through Kenma’s hair again. “That was just the first time. I fell in love with you whenever we practiced volleyball. Whenever we played video games, or watched movies. And I fell in love with you whenever you talked, when you spoke about things that you cared about. To see that passion in your eyes, it made me always think ‘Is this how he looks when he talks about me?’ So it made me want to do more to make sure that you loved me.”

Kenma’s heart caught in his chest. “You’re such a sap.”

“Mm. I’m well aware of that.”

“I…” Kenma throat tightened, but he forced those words out. The words that he really needed to say. “I love you, Kuro. I’m sorry if you ever felt otherwise. I’m not good with showing affection. I know that you’re so…expressive, and you want to hold my hand in public, and you want all of these things-“

“You’re panicking again, Kenma.” Kuroo realized. “Take a breath. I’m okay with it, remember? The only thing I really expect from you is the truth. As long as you can provide that for me, then we’re good. So relax. Besides, you don’t need to be worrying about this right now. We’re working on you getting better.”

Kenma nodded, curling back up in Kuroo’s lap. “I’m really happy you’re here.” He managed to choke out.

Kuroo squeezed him tighter. “I’m really happy I’m here too.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeee. So. What'd you think? Definitely not one of my face chapters, btu I think it's because I've read it over and over again. Maybe I should get a beta reader...? Any volunteers?   
> Anyways, Kuroo and Kenma are definitely getting closer again, slowly but surely. The next chapter is going to be Ito's game night :D I'm so excited!! However, I haven't decided what game they're going to play. Anyone have any ideas? I was thinking something like Minecraft, but let me know if you have a better idea!
> 
> As always, you can follow me on tumblr at kuroken-for-the-win.tumblr.com!! I update often and reblog a lot of cute shit.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...yeah. To my returning readers...HELLO! It's been over two years since an update, and here I am! I've had a really hard time with writing, and the longer I put off updating, the worse it got. My writing style has changed and matured, so this chapter might feel a little strange. And there will probably be some minor inconsistencies (particularly with days). The majority of it was written two years ago, and I just have been adding to it these past few weeks to try and salvage it. It's not the most satisfying of updates, but I really hope to continue with it and put out new content more often (like...hopefully at LEAST once a month...). I'm sorry for making you wait so long. But I think I'm ready to finally get back into the swing of things :)
> 
> Also, if you're able to support my writing, any little contribution helps!! I have a Ko-Fi page. It's super easy to donate, and it really would help me!!! https://ko-fi.com/A0A87Z1Q

Kuroo was a nightmare to wake up the next morning.

“You need to,” Kenma sighed, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. “You don’t want to be late for work.”

“I could just stay here and sleep with you all day,” Kuroo yawned, tugging Kenma closer.

“I know,” Kenma replied. “I would like that, too.”

Kuroo sat up slowly and stretched his arms. “You have therapy with Coco today, right?"

"Mm. Why?"

"You’re going to tell her, right?”

Kenma frowned. “Tell her about what?”

“Well…the panic attack. Our date. Everything…?”

Kenma shifted over on the bed. “Yes,” he answered truthfully. “I plan to.”

“Good,” Kuroo sighed, relief in his voice. “Maybe I can go with you someday or something? I’d like to meet her.”

Kenma rolled his eyes and flopped back onto the bed, rolling himself in his blankets. “Who says she wants to meet you?”

Kuroo turned his head around fiercely. “I am a treat!” Kenma half smiled.

“Yeah, a _dog_ treat.”

Kuroo’s jaw dropped and he sprung over to the other side of the bed, trying to jerk the blanket off of Kenma. “Take it back!” he whined. “Take it back right now!”

The laugh Kenma released sent a warm, happy feeling through Kuroo’s gut. “Okay, okay! You're not a dog treat!” he exclaimed, breathlessly.

“You’re darn right,” Kuroo grinned, brushing Kenma’s now staticky bangs out of his eyes. “Walk me down to the front door?”

Kuroo dressed quickly before they descended down the stairs, hands entwined together. “I’ll see you Friday, then?” Kuroo asked, tugging Kenma into a hug.

“Mm,” Kenma responded, his arms wrapping tightly around Kuroo’s waist. “Thank you. For staying the night,” he said quietly.

Kuroo rested his chin on top of Kenma’s head. “It was my pleasure.”

Kenma pulled his head back, staring up at Kuroo. “Have fun at work.”

“You as well.” He ruffled Kenma’s hair and winked before leaving through the front door.

The house was quiet. Kenma assumed his father was cooped up in his office, blueprints and diagrams scattered across the floor while his mother went out to run her errands.

When he went back to his room, he began to pace uneasily, nervous thoughts flying through his head. Was this okay? To get close to Kuroo again? He could already feel a type of dependency forming, like the one they had for each other before they broke up. What if he grew too dependent? Would they take Kuroo away from him? His head throbbed, and he dropped down onto his bed. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t lose Kuroo again. They understood one another better now than they ever had, so…that was good, right? The good outweighed the bad.

…Right?

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Kuroo tucked the mop bucket back into the closet, trying not to make eye contact with anybody who just watched him trip and spill four sodas all of the floor.

“Kuroo,” Daichi tapped him on the shoulder as he prepared new drinks behind the bar. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Kuroo nodded. “Sorry. Just…a lot going on.”

Daichi nodded. “If you gotta go take a break, do it. If you need someone to vent to, give me five minutes. We can go out back.”

Kuroo bit his lip. “No biggie, don’t worry about it. I’ll just step out for a few. Have a smoke.”

Daichi stared him down for a few seconds before responding. “I’ll be out in five minutes.”

Kuroo nodded and hung up his apron before stepping out the back door. When Daichi finally came out, he was already halfway through his first cigarette.

“Alright, spill,” Daichi sighed, plopping down next to him on the steps.

Kuroo didn't hesitate. “I spent the night at Kenma’s last night,” he breathed, exhaling smoke from his lungs.

“Oh,” Daichi replied. “Is that…bad?”

“We didn’t do anything. We went on our date and…everything went fine. We had dinner. We went to a movie. And everything was fine. But then he had a panic attack and things got a little messy. I didn’t know what to do, you know? I mean, we ironed it out. I stayed over and we cuddled and all was fine, but…”

“But what?” Daichi pressed. “A lot has happened to him, Kuroo. This healing process is going to take time. Having you back in his life- it’s all going to take time. And during that time, it’s going to be hard for both of you. You’ve already talked about everything, yeah?”

“For the most part. But I still feel like there’s something he’s not telling me. Maybe it’s because he’s not ready. Or maybe it’s because he’s afraid of what I’ll think. But there’s definitely something there. And I guess I’m a little scared that if I open it up…he’ll just get worse.”

“If you leave him again he’s going to blame himself.”

“He’ll understand if I explain-”

“Kuroo,” Daichi said firmly. “You’re getting a second chance at being with the man that you love. You fuck this up, you won’t get another. Kenma’s smart. He knows what he wants, and he knows what makes him happy. But he’s not going to keep putting himself through this with you. He’s not going to forgive you if you leave.”

Daichi’s words hung heavy in the air, but they didn’t go unheard.

“I know. I’m just so terrified that I’m going to hurt him without even realizing it.”

“He’s not a glass doll either. He’s not going to break with a small slip up. Just…say what you need to say to him. Reassure him as often as you can. And make sure he’s saying what he needs to say too. And just because something is sensitive…doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it. Get as comfortable with him now as you were before. Maybe even more so.”

Kuroo nodded. “I know. You’re right. Nobody has ever meant this much to me.”

“Atta boy!” Daichi grinned, clapping Kuroo on the back. “The two of you are going to be alright.” He began to stand up, but then stopped himself. “Has he talked to anybody from Nekoma since the incident?” “I don’t think so, but I’m not entirely sure. Why?”

“It might be good for him to see them, once he’s acclimated to you again. I’ll bet that they miss him, and he misses them just as much.”

“Shit,” Kuroo sighed, grinding his cigarette out on the ground before disposing of it in the aluminum bucket next to the steps. “I didn’t even think of that. It would be nice to get the whole gang back together.”

Daichi nodded and held the door as Kuroo passed through. “Re-socializing him back with his old friends would be good for him.”

“He actually has a new friend that we’re hanging out with tomorrow,” Kuroo commented. “I’m not sure how they met or what their relationship is, but she’s super nice.”

“ _She_ , huh?” Daichi smiled. “You have a little competition?”

“Ha!” Kuroo scoffed, washing his hands at the employee sink. “She’s cute, but…well, what can I say,” he wiggled his eyebrows. “I am _quite_ a catch.”

Daichi rolled his eyes. “Forget I said anything. Get back to work, slacker.”

Kuroo only smiled and pushed through the swinging doors to the kitchen, his heart feeling a little lighter.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Telling Coco his personal problems was becoming a lot easier for Kenma to do, though it was still difficult. “I feel like he’s going to disappear again,” Kenma sighed. “It doesn’t feel real.”

“That’s a valid feeling,” Coco nodded. “It’s only been a few days. It will definitely take time to get used to one another again.”

“He acts like nothing has changed.”

“Maybe there’s a lot that he’s trying to forget too. He has a harsh reality to face. For some people, acting as though nothing has happened is a coping mechanism.”

“I wish I could act like that too,” he sighed.

“Well like you said, he acts like nothing has changed. That doesn’t mean it didn’t. How he deals with it will be completely different than how you deal. If you can both communicate your feelings properly, then there won’t be any problems. Let me put it this way,” she folded her hands on her desk. “Do you want him to act though things are different?”

“No,” Kenma answered immediately. “That would be awkward.”

“It certainly would be,” she agreed. “And I think that he knows what conversational topics might be a little hard for you to talk about.”

Kenma nodded. “I didn’t tell him about…you know. Self-harming. And I don’t really know how to.”

“That isn’t necessarily something you need to talk to him about right now anyways,” she confided. “Maybe further down the road, when you two are closer, you can set aside some time to discuss it. Do you think he will see you differently?”

“I don’t think so,” he shook his head. “But I’m not certain. Kuroo is…he’s a very open man. I don’t think he would see them as disgusting or anything, but it’s just…it’s physical proof that he wasn’t there.”

“So you’re worried that it would actually trigger him instead?”

“Sort of, yeah. He always takes things to heart. He doesn’t really have a problem calling others out and making sure blame is taken in correctly, but it’s different with me. When it comes to me, everything is always his fault. Even when he has nothing to do with it, he will find a way. So with this, he’ll see them, and he’ll think that he should have been there.”

“Maybe he will push past that, thinking instead that you may be feeling extremely self-conscious.”

“He’ll still feel responsible. And he’ll dwell on it for days.”

“I can understand that. Do you plan on being intimate with in the future?”

Kenma shrugged. “I didn’t plan on breaking up with him. I didn’t plan on making up with him. Nothing ever goes as planned. I have told him that I don’t want that type of relationship yet, and I know he won’t push.”

“I know you know that I don’t think it would be wise,” she leaned back in her chair. “At least, not right away. But even so, if your impulses and desires make it hard to resist him, then you should tell him far before anything happens. Don’t let him get you into bed and be taken by surprise.”

“Oh my God,” Kenma groaned. “This is embarrassing.”

“Well, we need to address every ultimatum here!” she chuckled lightly. “When is the next time you’re going to see him?”

“Tomorrow,” Kenma nodded. “We’re having a game night with someone I met at work. She approached me at the library one day and just started chatting. Then she kinda just…didn’t leave me alone.”

“I think that will be good for you!” she smiled again. “Having more than just Kuroo around will be very beneficial.”

“I think so too,” Kenma agreed, looking up at the clock. “Well, I guess that’s it for the day, then?”

Coco’s eyes flickered to the clock as well. “Shoot! I suppose so. I always lose track of time when you’re in here.”

“I bet you say that to everybody,” Kenma half smiled as she stood up to walk him out.

“Just the ones I like,” she winked, opening the door for him. “I’ll see you on Tuesday. Have fun with your game night!!”

Kenma padded down the hallway and out the back door, making his way home. He pulled out his phone, revealing a text message from Ito.

**You and ‘Roo should let me dye ur hair tmrw!**

_Yeah…not gonna happen._

**WHY NOT**

_I’ve had my fun in dyeing._

**Can I cut it**

_I…guess?_

**YASSS. Ill make you look great, I promise.**  
**Maybe you can convince Kuroo to let me fix some of that mess on his head?**

_I can certainly try, but good luck getting him to let you around his neck with scissors._

His phone blipped, and two texts appeared one after the other from Kuroo.

**Why is work so BORING**  
**How was therapy?**

_It was ok. Nothing new._

**:/**

_How is work?_

**Eh, it’s going alright. I’ve made quite a bit in tips, so**

_How?_

**I’m charming, Kenma. The ladies love it**

_I think they can just tell that you’re a flamer and like you because of it_

**Ah, you’re probably right. Curse the hypersexualization of beautiful homosexual Japanese men like myself!**  
**At least I made bank from it tho halalala**

_There’s a light at the end of every tunnel._  
_Oh yeah, Ito wants us to help dye her hair tomorrow_  
_She wants to cut mine_  
_And buzz yours_

**THAT WENCH WILL DO NO SUCH THING**

_Good luck telling her that…_

When Kenma arrived at the library, his co-workers said their hellos and then goodbyes, and he was quickly left by himself. It was quiet, as expected, and he easily slipped into the groove of checking in returned books that had piled up throughout the day.

His phone vibrated, and he looked at it immediately. It was from Kuroo.

**So… If I were to…show up at the library or something…would that be ok?**

_Is this a roundabout way of asking me if you can come over?_  
_Yes I think that would be ok. I would like to see you anyways._

**Sweet. I’ll be taking the train over soon. I’ll bring you some snacks too!**

_You can’t bring food into a library, Kuroo…_

**Well…are any other employees going to be there?**

_No…_

**Then I think it’s okay to break the rules. I’ll sit under that big desk and you can slip me scraps!**

_So you’re a furry now?_

**WHAT?!??**  
**NO I AM NOT**  
**Although, I’m not against the idea…**

_Um. What idea._

**A little pair of cat ears on you…maybe a cat tail plugging you up ;)**  
**Can I call you my kitten**

_You absolutely may NOT call me kitten and I am definitely NOT shoving a tail butt plug up my ass_

**So I’ll wear it then**

_Oh my God_

**;)**

Kuroo arrived around 6pm, a backpack slung over his shoulder. “What’s crackin’ cutie?” he winked at Kenma. “I brought the goods.” 

“I see that,” Kenma frowned. “How much goods did you bring?”

“Well,” Kuroo stood in front of the desk, setting the backpack on top before unzipping it. He pulled out two cans of Kenma’s favorite energy drinks, a large bag of chips, and a bag of sour gummy worms. “This much.”

Kenma glanced around, praying that nobody was close enough to hear the annoying crinkling of the bags. Thankfully, the majority of people were seated way in the back where the reading area was. The ones closer seemed to have headphones in, and didn’t pay Kuroo any mind. “Out of all of the foods you should avoid, chips rank number one!” he scolded. “Those are loud and annoying, especially with the way _you_ chew things.”

“Okay, okay,” Kuroo mumbled dejectedly, shoving everything back into the backpack. “We can munch afterwards, I guess.”

“I…didn’t mean to sound so rude,” Kenma said lightly.

“No, it was rude of me to even bring them in here,” Kuroo nodded before changing the subject. “So, whatcha doing?”

Kenma mentally kicked himself, but continued on. “All of these books came in earlier today. They’re just returns, so all I have to do is scan them in and then put them away. It’s just…very time consuming.”

“Want some help? Cut your time in half?”

Kenma shook his head. “I’d rather do it myself. And you just walk with me. So we can be together.”

Kuroo smiled. “Sure thing. Can I keep my backpack under the desk?”

“Better yet, let’s keep it in the employee room with my things.”

For the rest of the evening, Kuroo followed Kenma around while he scanned in returned books, and then took them by the cartful to deposit them back onto their designated shelves.

“So, you like it here, huh?” Kuroo asked as he assisted with books on higher shelves.

“The library?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s nice,” Kenma nodded, squatting down. “I work by myself. And it’s not like customer service where you get yelled at or anything. The worst thing that’s happened to me was when someone had late fees racked up, and they threw a fit.”

“Ugh. Hate people like that. What’d you do?”

Kenma straightened back up and grabbed another handful of books from the cart. “It was when I first started. I didn’t want to waive the fee, because I thought that might look bad on my part, but I also didn’t want to fight with them about it. I told them I would personally cover the fees, and that made them even more angry. Something like, ‘I don’t need a kid paying for my mistakes!’ So they paid it and left.”

“Whoa. That’s some reverse psychology shit you got going on,” Kuroo chuckled. “I’m impressed.”

Kenma grunted. “It was the only way to get them off of my back. But yeah, it’s pretty dull here otherwise,” he began pushing the cart down the aisle. “I’m glad I came back, though.”

“Keeps your mind busy, right?”

“For the most part.”

There it was again. That subtle feeling that there were still many things that Kuroo needed to learn about Kenma.

They finished up the cart of books, returning back behind the desk to grab the final load, which they finished much quicker than the others. When 10pm hit, they grabbed all of their belongings and headed out the door.

“So,” Kenma looked down at the ground as they walked towards the station. “You work early tomorrow, right.”

“Ah…yeah. 8 o’clock.”

“So…I suppose you have to head back home.”

Kuroo nodded. “I should go back now. But there is an early train that I could take that would get me there on time in the morning.”

“You wouldn’t get a whole lot of sleep if you stayed over.”

“I won’t get any sleep if I go home,” Kuroo admitted. “I’ll be thinking of you the entire time.”

Kenma smiled and held onto Kuroo’s hand. “Then I guess you’ll just have to stay with me again.”

Kuroo gave Kenma’s hand a squeeze, and grinned down at him. “You’re so right. Do you mind if I shower before bed?”

“Shouldn’t you shower in the morning?” Kenma frowned. “For the sake of your hair?”

“Kenmaaaa!” Kuroo whined. “Showering at night helps me with the styling process!”

Kenma only laughed as they sat and waiting for the train. When they got back to Kenma’s house and Kuroo had showered, they pressed themselves against each other under the blankets on Kenma's bed, and Kenma fell quickly into a deep sleep.

Before Kuroo fell into his own slumber, he wondered if it was always going to be as easy as this. Seeing Kenma at work, riding home with him, staying the night, holding one another until they both dozed off. He knew that they would eventually have to open up some more about themselves, Kenma especially. But for now, right in this exact moment, he was holding the man he loved.

He had Kenma back.

And nothing, no matter how dark and painful, would ever rip them apart again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you didn't hate this chapter as much as I did. The next chapter will be completely new writing. I'm hoping you will all be able to see how much I have been growing and honing my skills :) Leave me some comments if you'd like! And also, if you're able to, buy me a coffee on my Ko-Fi page? :) https://ko-fi.com/A0A87Z1Q <3
> 
> Thanks!!!


End file.
